Day 28

Today can be summarized by three things...Elrose, Mamma Mia and urine in a cup. 28 Days...head down, work hard, eat clean. The words of my trainer are still echoing in my ears. If only she knew what lengths I have gone to in order to honor the beaudacious body code. Today I was "pure country". If you are wondering what that means, well, perhaps you should read on....

Brad surprised us with a trip to Saskatoon to take in the ever so famous, "Mamma Mia". Since I am a huge Abba fan and am known to break out in song and dance at the very sound of their voices, it was a super duper treat for me. And since Saskatoon is 2.5 hours away, we embarked on our "surprise" road trip.

It is then when I began my 4 Litre drink-a-thon as I must consume that before the clock strikes midnight. As we approached the thriving metropolous of Kyle, Saskatchewan, my bladder was on red alert. In other words, bursting at the seams. As there was nothing that looked "clean" enough for her highness (me), we pressed on towards Elrose. The Elrose bar is where I like to pee on the way to Toon Town. Ah yes...it was in sight now....soon I would have relief.

The pressure was building and I unzipped my jeans to provide a little bit more comfort. The 2 Litres of water wanted to come out and soon it would see the light of day (literally). I anxiously anticipated arriving at the bar...how glorious it will be to pee. As we approached, my eyes desperately searched but could not find the "open" sign. Dear god...what will I do if they are not open. I cannot go one more mile. Really, I can't. I was almost peeing my pants......but THERE....on the other side of the road....a gas station with a lit open sign. It was like water in the desert.

Heaven's above!! Thank you! We skirted over to the other side of the road....I lept from the car (remember my jeans are not fastened) and awkwardly held my jeans up. Racing towards the door, I reached out for the handle. NO! It is locked. THEY LIED. THEY ARE NOT OPEN! YOU ARE NOT OPEN YOU LIARS!! What am I going to do? The pee was coming and there is no stopping it now. There...beside the CLOSED gas station was a fuel truck. I will seek refuge behind it and pee there. It is kind of private but it doesn't matter now...I am going to pee my pants any minute.

Quickly, I opened the door and grabbed my empty coffee cup (why I put coffee on top of all that water....I will never know). Why the coffee cup you say? Well, like any pure bred farm girl (I am not pure bred...but grew up with some total cows), I know that peeing in the wind can be dangerous. So, I hold the cup up and let 'er rip. The stream of precious pee is protected from the wind and thus never gets on my pants.

I fill the cup up once....oh god...it's still coming...I dump it...pee all over my hand...cup fills a second time....dump it....pee all over my hand....and finally...I fill it half full the the third go. AHHHHHHHHHHH! The relief. And wow...no one drove by, walked by or saw me with my booty hanging out. Well, with the exception of my 8 year old daughter who's curiousity kept her captive for the whole scenario. She then promptly told me upon entering the car..."Mom, that was NOT pretty". Thank you, Eden!!!

(And for all you germaphobes, I carry anti-bacterial sanitizer and wipes in my car at all times so stop freaking over the potty hand. They do it all the time in other countries as they find toilet paper unsanitary). Anyways, I felt better. That's all that mattered. As we drove away from the little town of Elrose, my dear husband mentioned something to me. "Andrea, did you see the sign that said, 'Smile, you are on camera both inside and out'....guess some guys are going to get a little more booty than they bargained for". (He smiled and continued to drive like nothing had happened). I almost choked on my own spit. I asked him why he didn't tell me about the sign and the peeping camera. He told me I was in too much of a flap to pee and didn't listen or heed his warnings so he just let me go. And go I did!!! He apologized to me...I told him not to bother but reminded him that he will have to answer to Jesus. Needless to say, I hear the couch calling his name tonight.

So know this dear trainer....I am committed. I am in this for the long run. I have even em-bare-assed myself all for the sake of attaining a beaudacious bod. I have peed on my hand, peed in more small towns than I have fingers, drip dried and even withstood the cursed weight fluctuations brought on by Aunt Flo. I am kicking some serious chunky monkey a$$ and there is no turning back now. If you can't handle the heat...then git outta da kitchen. You picking up what I'm laying down, sista?

Over.