The Underwear Gauge

Off to the gym this morning! I figure I have to get that out of the way as tonight is a big night for my niece and I wouldn't miss it for the world. The theme of the day today is to work out...really really hard. I have some catching up to do as the last week was a complete write off. I am done to 154 lbs and that is brilliantly awesome...however, if I would have stayed on track, I would probably be down to 151 lbs. So close to breaking the 150 lb barrier. So at the gym today, I am going to work hard. I have a philosophy that if I can keep the same pair of underwear on after my workout...I have not worked out hard enough! And if I can keep the same pair of underwear on...well...that is just plain disgusting. Anyways, it's a good gauge...if your body is soaked with sweat...then you did a good job. If not, you are completely copping out.

Jo and her chillin's were over last night for dinner and Jo so emphatically expressed to me that I was obnoxious again and how happy that made her. Awww...what a great bfff! And I can't even retaliate because she knows my visa number, login passwords for virtually everything and my pin. So revenge is not even an option. But I did enjoy hanging out with her. And it was way better than having "company" that comes only for the food and take no time to socialize because they are too busy. Not too busy to eat my food but too busy to have a coffee after?!! You know who I mean...the kind that are like grasshoppers. They come, they eat, they leave. I didn't actually invite you over to eat...I invited you over to visit!!

Everything we do is so focused around food. When the people of the earth gather....they eat. Some drink. Some dance. Some drink and dance but they all share one thing in common.....they eat. And I am guilty of this too. I can't count the number of times that I have approached the dinner table like a ravenous gluttonous starving hyena. I said 'like' a starving hyena...not that I am one. Clearly....I am not. Take a look at the meat on my bones. If I was the Thanksgiving turkey, I would be the one that needs the supersized roasting pan. So just imagine how awkward it is for me to run with all the junk in my trunk. I kind of look like a supersized turkey with shorts that ride up her arse and of course with the added benefit of thighs of thunder.

But I intend to change that. I am going to go run today and do back and triceps. Saturday is rest day and CHEAT day........AND Sunday....I am going to run 10km. Jesus help me.

Okay....have a great weekend my cyber buddies!!! I will post again on Sunday night....unless something amazing happens. Or something ridiculous. Who am I kidding...something ridiculous always happens. So, expect to hear from me. Toodles.

ps- I am listening to Rock and Roll Girl right now.....Rock on peops of the earth!! And I forgot that I was only in my underwear and only remembered that when I was standing on my front step getting the mail out of the mail box this morning. Somebody kill me please!! AHHHHHH!!!! Okay...putting the People Magazine down and going to the gym!!!!!

Andy

pps- dedicated to my fabulous five!! Click here!

It's How You Run The Race

Just as promised...I made it to the gym. And just as expected it felt really really good!! It's not whether you win or lose...it's how you run the race, right?! That metaphor is so true and it is so true when it comes to running. It is all about technique. The more I improve my technique, the more efficiently I will run...thus causing me to finish well. This is so true in real life. I am going to finish well.

Part of "running the race" requires me to break-free of some old cycles and patterns in my running. I noticed today that I clench my fists tightly when I run. Becoming aware of my tightened fists allowed me to relax my hands...thus conserving energy. Instead of looking down at the timer on the treadmill, I look straight ahead to ensure proper posture and form. Looking down is dangerous in running as one cannot see oncoming danger....but more importantly form is compromised and in doing so....one cannot focus on the finish. You have to look ahead when you run...you can't watch your feet or have your head down. You have to lift your chin up. When you lift your chin up, you can see what lies ahead....the beginning of a slope....or the end of one.

Runner's occasionally hit the "wall" in running. In that moment, every part of you feels like it will collapse. Your lungs burn, your thighs throb and your brow is soaked with sweat. You don't feel like you can push yourself any farther. But upon pushing past the end of yourself, you break-thru your wall and find yourself energized and capable of pressing on.

And there will always be those people on the sidelines who should be your biggest fans...but they throw their sticks and stones on your path to trip you up. But if you look just a little farther down the road, your family is cheering you on every step of the way. And it is because of them that you find the strength to dodge the obstacles and finish well.

And since I feel like I belong in Texas (everything is big in Texas)...I know that I am an overcomer. And even though I am extremely tempted to just be a hippie and live on a beautiful beach in Australia...I will not give up. What the heck am I talking about?! I am going to Australia and being a hippy. Well...I am going to be a clean hippy at the very least. But just so there is no confusion...no dreads allowed and I am most certainly going to wear anti-perspirant. I don't know why...but now I have that annoying song from the Pee Wee Herman Movie...."The stars at night, are big and bright.....(clap, clap, clap, clap).....deep in the heart of Texas". What a dumb show! Well, except for Large Marg....I loved her!! She was big. And from Texas. But then so were the Beverly Hill billies....I could use some Texas Tea about now. Then I could inflate the prices, make all of you pay even more for fuel and then slowly take over the world. Ah....what a feelin'!!

Night...this Chunky is chunked out!! Slayin' the fat monster one ounce at a time!!

Andy

Something went aw-ry!

The mirror has two faces. Sometimes I look in the mirror and see what is truly reflected but most days I see a clouded image of myself. It may be the steam from the shower or perhaps it is an entire array of 'history', snap shots in time and of course a healthy dose of self-loathing that cause us to see a reflection that is skewed. The world tells us what we should see. It tells us how we should look. It defines beauty for us. And everyday when we stare back at ourselves into the cloudy looking glass, we hold our selves accountable to the world's standard's of beauty. How we feel about ourselves, often defines what we see. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder...when I look in the mirror, I am the beholder. I see what I want to see. Chunky Monkey or diva? Or maybe a diva chunky monkey.......with a grass skirt doing the hula!! Okay...perhaps not. I do question, if I was a guy, would I be attracted to me? Probably not...lol!!

With that said, I have missed an entire week at the gym. Yup...I fell right off the wagon....right on my head. I still ate right....I just didn't run. But tomorrow, I am back on. I want this so I am going to do it. I miss the endorphins and the general feeling of good health. It's time to kick this chunky monkey body in the ass and seriously whip it in to shape. The ball is rolling...so why stop it.

Instead of standing in front of the mirror tomorrow morning and being disgusted with myself, I will just not be disgusted. When I stand in front of the mirror naked...thinking...dear God...can it be true??? Or when I lay on a beach and the Save the Whale's people try to push me back into the water...well...you kind of figure you have a problem. And the reality that I wasn't feeling that good yesterday or today should not be a reason to skip out on the gym. The gym is part of my life now. Chunky Monkey goddess is who I am. I go to the gym because I need it like I need to breathe. It is a part of my day. So what went awry? I will tell you....I got lazy. That's it. L A Z Y. So, let's grab the bull by the bulls and do what we gotta do!!

okay!!! Enough of the positive confessions and self-affirmations! Just get your butt out of bed, shower, get dressed, kiss your family, work hard and work hard at the gym. That's all it takes. It's just like running....just put one foot in front of the other and do it!!!

So, tomorrow when I blog....I will tell you about the 2nd day of the rest of my life. Why the 2nd day? Because the first day was day one of this journey. And now that I 've plateau'd....tomorrow will be the 2nd day...as I am entering a new dimension. Beam me up Scotty!!

Andy :)

PS-

Jo is baking cookies!!! HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME JO? I know what I want and I want it now.......I WANT COOKIES!!

Just put a bell around my neck, throw me in the pasture and call me Betsy!!! Mooo!

The Interview: Behind the Scenes

I FEEL LIKE MY OWN PERSONAL ROCKSTAR?? Oh my gawd...what was I thinking???

Andy

Day 108: Chunky Monkey TV

So...here is a little taste of Chunky Monkey TV....ahhhh!!

Chunky TV

I am feeling very chunky right now!!! And I haven't been to the gym yet!!! Nooooo!!! Long day....very long day. And so tomorrow will be another very busy day....but I will eat according to plan. I will not cheat. Even though there will be chocolate chip oatmeal cookies and a plethora of other amazing treats. (God...help me!!)

Andy :)

Day 107

I started today with a good dose of Abba, a Saskatchwan Sunrise and a mini dance party in my bathroom. Who says I can't rock out in my shower?! In my bathroom...I am a rock star!! Today started out grrreat!! In an attempt to have some effective "team building", I took Joanne south of Swifty today to see a breath taking Saskatchewan sunrise.

With the great sound of Abba pumping through my trucks speakers...we took in the sunrise. And then suddenly, I had an idea. I tossed my camera at Joanne and burst out of the car door. Not even thinking, I ran across the blustery highway in my heels and turned my back to the sun. I didn't consider the fact that I was standing in the middle of a highway as I struck a pose. Quickly, Jo snapped a pic and I bolted back to the safety of my vehicle. Oh what a feeling!!! It was great team building, it was completely insane and it was a great way to start the day.

The day kind of seemed like a smelly sardine sandwich. It started good, the middle stunk and the end was awesome. The day ended with a Great Big Sea concert...what could be better than that? I had so much fun!! In fact, it reminded me how much fun having fun is. I am a little reluctant to admit this...but I missed the gym today. I figure a GBS concert was worth it. And since I still stuck to my eating plan, the fat monster will not gain any territory on me today!!

Tomorrow is a big day as I will be filming the first chunky monkey episode, getting my body comp completed and preparing the final preparations for our business launch on Friday.

And I am super pumped as two of my dear friends...one from TO and the other from NY are coming tomorrow night. This will be a true test for me as I am training and will not be able to have a party in my mouth. AHHHH!!! I am already weak in the knees just thinking about it. I must stay strong. I can get through a weekend of celebratory food and beverage and not give in to the cries of the fat monster. DIE you screaming glutton!! Die!!

Things to take note of: 1. Joanne baked me a wonderful batch of her amazing short bread cookies with chocolate chips on top. Melt in your mouth....goodness!!! Cheat day was amazing...thank you god for chocolate chips!!! 2. My fitness friend Gail is kicking butt in her battle to slay the fat monster- you are doing so good and you look great. I know we are competing against each other in the gut buster's challenge...but woooo...you lookin' good girl!!! 3. Life is full of the good, the bad and the ugly. In fact, every day has all three of those elements. I choose to remember the good, to move past the bad and make the ugly pretty.

Chunking out!!

Andy

Day 106

5 a.m. came with a vengeance this morning as I woke up absolutely famished. I have never felt so uncomfortable in my life. I laid in my bed for an hour and a half thinking about how good breakfast would taste and feel. And it's not a good sign when a person is dreaming about how good oatmeal will taste. And then I fell asleep. And then I woke up again and I was sure I had the flu as I felt like I was going to woof my cookies. However, how can one "woof their cookies" if one's stomach is completely empty? It's called dry heaving...and there is nothing good about that.

So after eating my oatmeal, protein shake and orange, I felt way better. However, shortly after feeling better about my breakfast, I went to make my bed and noticed that my finger (the one I cut last night making supper) split open and bled right by my pillow. Of course, I am completely disgusted as I forgot about it until now. Now being...the time I get back into bed for the night. ARRRGH!

I did however, surprise myself today when I went to the bathroom and pulled my dress pants down....and realized that I forgot to undo them. Wooo...bye bye hips. This is a good sign and it makes me think that all the running is worth it. It is right??

I am getting all psyched up for Thursday as we are filming our first two minute episode of chunky monkey. AHHH!! My nerves are definitely not nerves of steal!!! I am not feeling very fit....and doesn't television make you look fatter than you already are?! AHHH!!!!! I just spent three months losing ten pounds...now a camera is going to add twenty! My heart crumbles into a pile on the floor only to be swept up and thrown into the trash. (DRAMA...I know...but I can't help it....it's part of who I am so....just deal with it).

I hope I can sleep. Nervousness plus hunger...not a good combo. Throwing up now....

Sweet Dreams!!!

Chunky

Day 105: Looking beyond Limitations

When it rains...it pours. Oh yeah, don't forget about the gale force winds, the golf-ball sized hail and of course the flash flood. More has happened this week with crazy stuff than I can even believe possible. I just tilt my head sideways and say...really??? REALLY???? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ARE YOU NEW? OR ARE YOU JUST STUPID? Did I mention that stupidity really gets on my nerves? Oh yeah...and that's the kind of day it's been...this January 17th.

And Staples can shove their..."that was easy" button right up where the sun don't shine as nothing is easy in this life. Eating a cookie...that's easy. Drinking wine and nibbling on cheese and crackers...again...so easy. Losing weight, changing one's life, running 21km...NOT SO EASY!

Whoever said losing weight was easy??

Okay...that's enough of the glass is half empty talk! I must see beyond...what is. And I must see what can be. In every single area of my life I must look at opportunity. Weight, running, career, relationships.....I have to see what lies beyond the realities that are staring back at me. If I only look at what is....I will never see what can be....and thus never achieve anything. If my thinking and/or perception of something is limited...then I am crippling my future. If I only see myself as fat...then fat is what I will be. I am not limited to anything except my vision for myself. I must look beyond my limitations and press past them. I can and I will do it. (quivering with fear now).

After my run yesterday, I was feeling discouraged. Of course, the "runners high" followed my run but I know I can do better. I ran about 8 km in about 60 minutes. My goal is to run 10 km in 60 minutes. I can do it. Fat and rolls flopping everywhere...I can definitely do it. Next week, I will run 9 km. And I know that the ever so popular runner's physique is just beyond my grasp. In three months, I will look better, feel better and run better. And even though all I want right now is a chocolate chip cookie....okay....I want 5 chocolate chip cookies.....I know that I have to earn my way to success. Every single day, I have to do what is required in order to achieve my goals.

It shouldn't matter that running beside the friendly stomping giant was extremely distracting. It shouldn't matter that he smelt like an ENTIRE bottle of cheap after-shave. It shouldn't matter that my finger that I cut at dinner was bleeding all over the place. And it definitely shouldn't matter that I have just experienced one of the dumbest days in my career. No...I will not let that stop me. Just put one foot in front of the other and run. Whether it be angry running or light, happy like a gazelle running...I will do it. And come June, I will run a half marathon...and I will run it well. And while doing that...I will relax the front of my ankles. How the heck do you relax the front of your ankles??? A little advice from a book on running. I dare you....try it....relax the front of your ankles.....and when you figure out how to do it...please let me know.

I am in it for the long run....literally. And since I am down to a whopping 155lbs which is what a lightweight in the UFC would weigh...(my self-esteem is soaring high now...shoot me please)...I am ready to shed some pounds and attain more of a "runners" physique. My next body comp is on Thursday and I will give you all the goods...the before pictures, the measurements....and the mid-pictures. Oh gawd...I don't know if I can do this.....I'd rather play russian roulette with a double barrel shot gun. It seems easier. But I will show you where I started...and then show you where I am at. And this summer....I will show you the after pictures. Get ready...cuz it ain't gonna be pretty.

Good night bloggosphere!!

Chunky

Day 101

Woe is me...for I am undone! My body afflicted. My thighs...quivering. My lungs....burning. Running is hard work and oh my gosh...I feel like I'm going to die. It is not easy and my chunky body does not feel ready for it. I can feel every ounce of fat jiggling as I run. And of course, I wore the wrong shorts today....as they creeped and crawled the entire time my fat jiggled on the treadmill. So, while the people on the elliptical trainers behind me watched me fight with my crawling shorts, I struggled with good form and technique as picking wedgies does not support good jogging technique.

Gawd...big busted women should not be running either. Yes, I have a great few sports bras...it's just that...well...it's hard to lug those babies around while prancing on a treadmill. Okay...it's far from prancing...it's like I am back in junior high...and I'm the fat girl stomping and grunting around the track. Gawd...somebody kill me please. And to make it worse...today...I got a cramp. I have never had a cramp before. I had to walk in the middle of my run because of my cramp. And because of walking...I lost momentum (mentally). So I left the gym feeling like I didn't get the best work out. Big busted chunky monkey did not get a good work out in today. Alas!! I have failed. But the good thing is....is that I get to do it all over again tomorrow. Can you hear the enthusiasm in my voice???

And what the heck was the gingerbread man thinking..."run run as fast as you can...you can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man....." Of course, I can't catch you. I've been eating you all day and now I am too FAT to run. First you tempt me to eat you....and then you taunt me when I can't catch you. I hate you little gingerbread man. You don't have to run with boobs and chunky thighs. Like who the hell wrote all these childhood nursery rhymes anyways?? How about old mother hubbard!? Like what the heck is her problem. No food!!! NO wonder I like to eat...I'm afraid of a bare cupboard and getting whipped soundly and sent to bed. And I want my dog to have a bone!! I associate no food with being whipped and my dog starving to death. Next thing you know, I will be singing Ring-around-the-Rosie and falling to my horrible lonely death. And this is what we are teaching our children??!! All this time I thought it was Barbie's fault. Now I think it is Mother Goose's fault.

I have no excuse for this rant. It's just that my workout was not so hot today....and I feel frustrated. Again...some stored up anger from the fact that somebody was in locker 81 again today.

And I have to weigh myself tomorrow. Uggh! ....must press on..........

Night!

Andy :)

Day 100

100 days of eating healthy and exercising!! I can't believe it has been that long already. I have to keep the momentum going. The running...oh...the running...my body hurts...but it is a good thing....I think. I am completely exhausted so I promise I will update all of you tomorrow. For now...I am off to a Radox Muscle Soak bath and my bed.

Night!!!

Day 98: Roads Closed

My Calgary trip/Dr. Appointment may be postponed as the roads are closed...thanks to Mother Nature. We will try later on...in the meantime, no hot chocolate for me on this blustery cold snowy morning. Gotta slay the fat monster one day at a time. Thank God for four-wheel drive!! It's -29 degrees C outside and I would love to hibernate today. Welcome to the prairies!!

Running outside will not be happening...so, it's off to the gym for some cardio. Did I mention my legs feel like they are going to fall off today? Yesterday's run was great...but my body is paying for it. Spaghetti legs is an understatement.

.....hey....since I have been training...the phrase eat drink and be merry no longer applies....what else can one do besides eat, drink and be merry?? Starve, sip and be sad?? It's no wonder that prairie people struggle with weight. What else can you do when the weather is this ugly?!

Eat, Drink and Be Merry....er...ummm....diet, drink water and try to find your smile,

Chunky

Day 97: Forecast: Sunny

Sometimes I have to stop and catch my breath. It is so easy to get caught up in all the ups and downs and ugly parts of life and forget who I am. I am reminded today....of who I am and where I am going. And even though things sometimes feel really really challenging....hopeless...and absolutely impossible....there is always a rainbow after an ugly storm. And even if I have to paint a friggin' rainbow on the ceiling of my bedroom...I will. It will remind me at the end of every ugly day, that after every storm, there comes one of this earth's most beautiful phenomenon's--the rainbow. Metaphorically speaking of course. I am determined to see my rainbow!!!!!!!! This is the year!!! The year when my tears will be dried...and all of my promises and hopes....will NOT be denied. Forecast: SUNNY

You may not agree that a rainbow in phenomenal...that's okay...I really think it is quite beautiful. I used to imagine when I was a kid what it would be like to find the end of a rainbow. Stay with me here...I KNOW finding the end of a rainbow is impossible. I did graduate!! I imagined these things as a little girl. But if a person could find the end of it...I imagine myself running through a pasture....and passing through each vibrant color. Perhaps I would have to run 50 feet before leaving one color and leaping into the next. I imagine each of the colors to be invigorating and amazing in their own way. The beauty of the light it produced would be unsurpassable and it would feel like another time and another place. Anyways, I used to daydream about rainbows in this manner when I was a little girl. And there is still something amazing about rainbows to me...even though I am 32 years of age. Okay fine....I am almost 33 but I am not there yet!!

Rainbows are amazing...from a biblical perspective, they are God's promise not to flood the earth. From a child's perspective, they are an amazing discovery that stimulates curiosity and imagination. From an adult's perspective...well...they are not even worth mentioning. But for me (I am not an adult everyday), they are a reminder that after we go through something....And that is the point, if we go through something, we don't stick around...we keep going to the other side. And on the other side is an amazing display of color and light. No storm....no rainbow.

All this deep rainbow talk is simply my way of working through some personal relationship struggles. I shared with you at the end of last year that I wanted to improve the relationships that matter to me. Not an easy process. A painful one. But a necessary one. So that is where I am at today.

This morning I woke up feeling down. Of course, Sundays seem to always come with a vengeance for me. I don't know why. I don't like Sundays. They are sad days for me. And since today I woke up and was feeling under the weather...the Sunday blues were that much more forceful.

I decided that I could not lay in my bed a moment longer for many reasons. First and foremost, being down and out doesn't go away unless pushed away. Secondly because my trainer had instructed me to start my new program today. And finally, my beautiful angels were anxious for me to hang out with them. Let's be honest...they were hungry.

I got up. Made lunch. (The time between getting up and making lunch consisted of...me getting out of bed at 10:30, eating my breakfast, greeting my family and laying back down in my bed feeling sorry for myself). Then I decided enough was enough and reviewed today's training program. I get bonus points with my trainer if I work out today. First on the agenda....run 10 KM. That's it....just go to the gym and run 10 K. AAAHHHH!!! I can't just run 10 K!

Well, I went to the gym. I ended up running 6.76 KM within 60 minutes. So, I am first of all slow and second of all under the 10 K. That's okay. I am actually feeling quite good about it. I have never run that far in my life so for me this is a great achievement. And the endorphins after...my God!! I felt like I could have solved world hunger and cured cancer this afternoon. So, I decided to get groceries. A little less rewarding than solving world hunger and curing cancer, but still very necessary. The children have to eat you know!!

I must say...I feel great. My body hurts so I am getting ready for a hot bath...with a wee bit of Radox muscle soak in it. I will finish reading my magazine. I will snap my fingers for Raul...for he will bring me my hot tea and then he will massage my feet. I will sit back in my jet tub and just drift away. SNAP OUT OF IT!! Fine...I will sit in my tub...sip cold water from my tap...and scrub the calluses from my feet. Reality bites!! But running felt GREAT.

Now, I just have to work myself up to running 21KM and I am ready for a half marathon. YIKES!!!! Anything is possible right? So, it's possible for a chunky monkey to run in a marathon and not die??? Has it ever been done by a fatty before??? Well, there's a first time for everything. And after all, the race will be worth it....for there will be a rainbow for me at the end of it.

Night!!

Chunky

Day 95: A Pretty Butterfly

In the dead of winter...a small fly made an emergency landing in my mug of water. Water encompassed the little guy and he struggled to free him self. The more he tried to break free the deeper he sank in to the deep dark Starbucks mug. The water engulfed him and he had no strength left in him to fight. He gave in and breathed his last. (Do flies breathe?) Then I filled my mouth with vitamins, not noticing the dead carcass floating in my water and placed my lips on the edge of the mug. Tipping my mug back, my eye caught something dark....and right before it entered my mouth I pulled back...and gagged and spit...a little. By now my saliva had started to breakdown the capsules of vitality in my mouth and the bitter flavor of disgusting health over took my taste buds. Is today Monday??

I weighed myself this morning. I gained 1 pound over Christmas and New Year's. Yup...it's definitely feeling like a Monday. Amazingly, I don't feel bad about it. The pound will be gone within a day or too as I am working very hard at the gym these days. Also, Aunt Flo is due for a visit and I am always up a pound or two when she is around. Gawd I hate her.

Yesterday was a great day at the gym. I worked on legs and my knee held out very very well. So, I am pleased to say the least. However, my butt is incredibly sore today and even my chair is not providing the comfort I feel like I need. It's good though...maybe I'm on my way to getting accused of being a hard ass. Sadly, I will no longer be doing leg extensions as they are hard on my knee. I am disappointed about this as I was lifting a full 130 lbs (which is the full body weight of some of my friends) and I wanted to see how high I could actually go. That could be the reason why I have a bit of a knee problem.

The good news is that I discovered something about myself last night. I can still do a full bridge, hold it and then gracefully descend to the floor. It provides me with an amazing stretch and it feels so good! So, it will become part of my daily stretches. Also, I am still able to do a cartwheel and a round-off so I am feeling pretty good about that. And yes, I can prove it. I just did one here in my office. Joanne looked a little frightened but I didn't end up crashing into anything and landed on my feet. Maybe being 32 isn't so bad.

Yesterday, Jo was horrified with me. She thinks I am living dangerously and should really consider some of the risks I am taking. I understand her concerns, but it is after all my life. And I will do whatever the hell I want. I don't see what the big deal is but I guess it is important to put a return address on the letters I send out. Yup...that's what I did. I know your mouths are probably hanging open and you are horrified knowing the risk I have taken. That's right, I sent out letters with no return address. It's an incredible risk, I know...but that's how you live life on the wild side. That's my way of saying yesterday was a pretty average day. Nothing too out of the ordinary for me.

Well, with the exception of the nice looking lad who accidentally kicked his water bottle over at the gym yesterday. I think he would have been less embarrassed if had not been full, had not sprayed everywhere and if it had not happened right in front of me. I tried not to laugh or even smile...but I couldn't help it. He seemed even more embarrassed when I helped him clean it up. LOL....big tough macho man....all embarrassed....it was lovely to see.

To top it all off, I had a conversation with a colleague. Upon leaving, my colleague thanked me for the visit and said to me..."You have ADD, don't you". I sheepishly admitted that I may have some slight challenges. He then explained to me that he did too and that is why he realized how severely affected I am by it. LOL!! He did make me feel better by telling me that people with ADD are just aware of every single thing going on around them. Nicely said!! I've found great ways to cope thanks to Jo and her Mom. However, I still have not gotten a body sock or weighted vest. Jo...you promised!! And you promised to make short bread cookies too! Occasionally Jo will pull on my arms or push on my head if I am out of control...LOL...nothing feels better. Hey look.....there's a pretty butterfly.

CHEAT DAY TOMORROW!!!! WOOOOOO!

Andy:)

My cryptonite.

Day 93: Half Empty

I finally caught the culprit who insists on occupying locker 81 and boy did I let her have it tonight. Brawl in the locker room!!! Of course, she left laughing...but I know she will never do that again. Well, she probably will but she agreed to text me and let me know ahead of time so that I can mentally prepare to use locker 79 as an alternative. She also said she would hold 79 for me so nothing wierd happens.

Ever wonder what other people think of you? I do. Like..what do all those women in the locker room think of me when I point and drone on and on about how much I need locker 81. I hope they don't think I'm wierd.

I swear it's a curse if locker 81 is taken. It's almost as bad as when Aunt Flo comes to visit. That's a curse if I've evere seen one. She is scheduled for a visit very soon which could account for my snarly, I feel fat, get the hell out of my way attitude. I don't know why she has to come. She is so not welcome at my house. She costs me money, she inconveniences me, she causes marital discord and she makes me feel fat. What use is she??? My doctor suggested to me to have an IUD inserted. I asked her if I could insert it or if she would have to. She smiled and said she would have to. Dear God...is it bad if your doctor smiles when talking about invading my body?? And the fact that she is my friend...ya that's right...I go for coffee with her....is this going to be wierd? Like...will there be wierdness after?? At coffee...will we talk about the weather.....and my IUD.....and will I come in to the coffee shop with a bag over my head because she has seen parts of me that I have never even seen??

At the gym tonight, I had to wait for a treadmill. I started on the recumbant bike, moved to an elyptical trainer and then on to the first available treadmill. It was not a good work out. I don't feel fit right now because of it. And staring into the mirrors I could only see the rolls, the flaws and the soft body that I occupy staring back at me. It really captivated me tonight. In fact, I even walked into the wall in the change rooms as I was leaving because I was staring back at myself in the mirror....looking at my body. Bleh. Oh and caught someone else doing the same thing. Us women are all the same, eh?? It all started in the garden of Eden...I blame Adam. It's his fault!! You just had to take the apple from Eve eh? You probably knew that you would all of sudden be naked. That's what you wanted...isn't it Adam...the fall of man was because you wanted to notice Eve's naked body. You make me sick man!! And Eve...well...she started an ugly cycle which all of us now have to endure. AHHH!

And what is the deal with all the people at the gym. Just because it's January and everyone is feeling fat from Christmas doesn't mean you have the right to swarm the gym at 5:30 p.m. Like...helllo!!!! Some of us have been working out since September and over Christmas and I think that alone gives me first right to any of the machines, weights and balls in the gym. Like...I am really happy that you are working out and making some changes...but....GET THE HELL out of my way.

Maybe I'm just grumpy as Canada just lost the gold medal game to Russia. We hang our heads in defeat, we wipe the maple leaf from our faces, we write shame on our fore heads, tear our clothes and put ash on our heads. It was an embarassing defeat. And I am now resinating the demeanor of "Grumpy"....another dwarf. Yesterday was "Happy" and today is "Grumpy"...with my luck...tomorrow will be "Sneezy" but I am looking forward to "Sleepy". Snow White was a bit of whore...wow.....come to think of it...Smurfet was the biggest shameless hussy of them all. One girl and 99 boys....wow....what a slut!! No wonder my mom didn't want me to watch that show!

I hit the gym. I ate well. What more is there to say. Okay...one more thing....yes...I am grumpy. And this is a "the glass is half empty" sort of post. But tomorrow will come soon and it will be another day. "We live to play, another day".

Night!

Grumpy

Day 92: Advil, Therapists and Muses

I have finally found the secret to life. You can fire your therapist, you can throw out your Advil and you can tell your muse to take a hike. Hello exercise...and hello endorphins. I highly recommend it!! Why do I say this...well today....after the gym, my headache was gone, I felt something (I'll explain what I found at the end of the post...keep your panties on) and I had an amazing idea. So, maybe it is worth the pain, the sweat, the humiliation, the work and the not eating cookies. Maybe....just may....be.

Game on!! Those are the words uttered to me today by someone who is supposed to be my "dearly beloved friend". She is now my new opponent. Oh don't worry, I love her to pieces, but I am going to bury her in this competition. And for the sake of concealing her identity...I will refer to her as Lil Mamma.

This morning, Lil Mamma emailed me what she ate, how much time she put in at the gym, what she ate again and to top it all off....how many sit ups she did. So, being the non-passive, grab the bull by the balls, competitive kind of person I am....I told her that the next time I see her I am going to be a hard body because there is no way in hell that I am going to let her one-up me on the "getting fit and healthy" thing. She has a great start and I am feeling some pressure to take things up another level in my own regiment. You ain't gonna come into my kitchen and kick my dawg! Ohhh noo...you're in my house now. Can you handle what the Rock's got cookin'?? I think not!

I also told her that if she loses even half of the weight that she says she is going to lose by the next time I see her...I will buy her a healthy breakfast (aka: red wine). Her reply...game on! Oh yeah...it is most definitely game on. You goin' down Lil Mamma!! Only one question...what happens when I win this dastardly quarrel? Oooh! We will see who the champion will be in February...won't we Lil Mamma! (Truth be told- I am seriously worried that she is going to open up a can of whoop ass on me. Why? Because she is determined...and there is nothing scarier than challenging someone who is determined. Oh...please help me fat god...I want to win...or at least not lose to badly.)

If you can't stand the heat....you better get out of the kitchen. (shaking in my boots now)

Funny...I feel some new motivation now. And to be honest, the asparagus, sweet potato (baked) fries and fish was absolutely amazing tonight. It is so good to be back on the plan. And there is nothing more dangerous than a chunky monkey gone rogue. Yup...deviating from the North American diet and plunging the stake into the fat monster's heart is an unbelievable feeling. The gym was great tonight. Although, when Joanne arrived I was horrified to see that she was looking so....so....so cute. I snarled at her"How dare you show up here looking so cute!" That is totally against the rules. The gym is for sweat, blood and tears. There is no cute in that!!!

Tonight, I had the courage to ask for a spot. It doesn't matter if it was Joanne...I asked...and I received. And it was good because I was able to do more weight and that was a good feeling. Although my muscles are now screaming...but it was worth it. The hot bath made up for all the pain at the gym.

Side Note: Sue from Glee is my hero...because she says everything I think and don't have the kahoney's to say. I love her. Secretly, I want to be her. Actually, you should know that I do not have kahoneys at all as I am a woman. Just a little fyi. Can you imagine what it would be like to work out with Sue?! Probably not very good...she would say the brutal truth...I would then cry...and then I would go drive a steak knife into my jugular.

Tomorrow...back to the gym for some fat monster ass kicking. I am looking forward to it as I need to be in great condition by February 20th. And you know...I felt something today that I haven't felt in a long time....I think it was happy...it lasted for about ten minutes...it came while I was in the Wal-mart parking lot so I know it was there just for no other reason...except pure contentment. I have no idea where that came from!! But it has not visited me in quite some time. It was light and fluffy. Kind of like a butterfly. It was there....and then it was gone. But I liked it. I think it was happy...it felt like happy...and when I say happy I don't mean one of the dwarves. I sure hope I can find it again tomorrow. Maybe one day soon....I will find my smile again. That's got to be worth some wine and chocolate chip cookies....! Okay...maybe just some new clothes.

Night!!

Andy :)

Day 91: BBB

Finding a new dream. Focussing on my shortcomings and working at improving them. A clean start. A new year. Off the wagon...on again. Off again....On..........and off again. NO......ON!!!! This is the year. This is the year for good things, good times and great accomplishments. Personal victories....and breakthrough in every way imaginable. Let my cup runneth over with good things!!!

The art of weight-loss takes more than a couple days at the gym and a reduction in calories. Being a true chunky monkey: fat monster slayer requires dazzling sword play, an adventurous plot and a fair share of heros and villains. The heros being our trainers, core exercises and fat free mayo and our villains being chocolate chip oatmeal cookies, wine and the cream in my decaf coffee. Gawd...I need my own personal Robin Hood or Captain Jack Sparrow to help me out in my fight against fat. A hero who is resilient and agile. One who is capable of inflicting grievous piercing wounds in the fat monster herself. That's it!!! I need my own swashbuckler. Ha!! I am my own swashbuckler!!! On guard, cookies of oatmeal and chips of chocolate!!

The routine, the food and the drone of "back to they gym" is so completely banal. However, it is good to bet back to the basics. Back to the basics...what the heck am I talking about? I am starting a whole new routine. I am running. Oh gawd...my thighs are burning in anticipation. My stomach already feels like upchucking from over exertion. My body is already reacting to what it knows will be the death of the fat monster. I haven't even started yet and I am dreading all the time on the treadmill. It doesn't matter. New year...new start. Right? I gotta remember to drop off a check at my trainers house...I don't have the new routine yet, but I KNOW it's going to hurt!!

Right!! It's time to eliminate all distractions so that I can focus....all distractions in every sense of the word. Yup...packed up the last of the chocolate chip oatmeal cookies {myyy preeeciousss} and gave them to a friend to enjoy. Of course, I didn't expect her to enjoy them right in front of me. So after wiping the drool from my lip, I ate my carrots, snap peas and beef jerky. Yum!!! ANYWAYS, no more distractions. The last of the "junk food" has been eliminated. Do I have to tell you how I eliminated it? FINE! New Year's was harder on me than Christmas. But no worries fellow chunkies...I am back on the wagon. Back to eating clean. Back to the gym. When you fall off the truck...you just get back on again...right?!

We interrupt this blog post for a fast breaking news story. If Brad thinks the "vampire girl" is hot and sexy, then I am going to sink my teeth into my own arm and suck my own blood {cuz I can't reach my neck}. Dude, she has fangs...there is nothing sexy about that. It's creepy. It's weird. Crazy...coo coo...crazy for cocoa puffs. OMG...you messed up your first season on the Bachelor, went crazy, did some soul searching....you are back for another season.....all for what....to tell us that the vampire was hot. I don't know if I can lower myself this low only to watch you fall for a freaking vampire girl. Have you not read Twighlight?? Vampires are dangerous!! Oh...but you know I will watch. It's like pushing a bruise or staring at ugly naked people...you know you don't want to...you know you shouldn't...... but you just can't stop. Did she get a rose...I fell asleep....tell me...did Vampire Girl get a rose??? And OMG....I hope you find your happiness....what is wrong with you people??? Excuse me, I just choked on the cheezball lines you are stuffing down the bachelor's throat. AHHHH!!! I am going to write that book....oh yeah...I totally am....."Girls are stupid". And it's sequal....."Boys are Dumb" and thus the reason why love is on again....off again....where the heck are we....what are we doing...oh...we are on. No off. Nope...we are on! And it's no friggin' fairy tale. AHH!! If you have to go on a TELEVISION SHOW to get married. You are dumb. All of you. Rant Over. (And yet, I can't stop watching it. And as Jo says, "it's like watching a car accident...you just have to look").

Now for our regularly scheduled broadcast...So in the spirit of the new year...and I don't know what possessed me to do this...but nonetheless...I decided to look up chunky monkey in the urban dictionary...and here's what it said...

1. noun: the object of a chubby chaser's affection.

2. a magically delicious Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream flavor.

3. a more polite desription of someone who is rather obese

4. an abnormally large turd.

So now I wonder...was chunky monkey the right description for myself and this blog. Oh yeah baby...it sure is. But soon, I will be the bbb monkey. And if you don't know what that means, then you need to watch the SNL skit with Vera De Milo starring Jim Carey. I hope I look better than her at the end of this....! Boom baby!

Happy chunking tomorrow!!!!

Andy