En Route to Vegas

We left late. We missed our turn. We are staying in a hotel that reminds me of the Shining. I think the two little girls saying "Come and play with us" and the mad men scratching redrum into the wall gave it away. The elevator is right out of the tower of terror. The phone is one step up from a rotary phone. There is goo on the wall. I am sleeping in sweat pants, socks and a tshirt to prevent my skin from touching the icky bed linens. The tp dispenser in Fuddruckers would not allow me access to tp. The strawberry milkshake I had went right through me. I now smell like Fuddruckers. And the pillow is as fluffy as a sheet of paper. Sigh....'tis a cheat day I shall not forget. And the adventure begins...

Tip: Eat less. Avoid Fuddruckers.

On again...Off again...ON again!

Hello...cyber friends!! And as they say on Poltergeist..."They're back"...er ummm..."I'm back"!! So, I fell off the wagon. It happens. I am not going to beat myself up for it. And to be honest, I have been avoiding blogging because "you're always watching" and since I made a cyber oath that I would always be honest, well, I didn't want to face all of you...in cyber world. You may be irritated with me about this but "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn". In the midst of emotional upheaval and turmoil, well, the last thing I have wanted to do is go to the gym. However, being away has helped me to realize that this is the very time that I NEED the gym. Kind of like advertising...except different..."In good times we should exercise, in bad times we MUST exercise". On again...off again...I am going to beat this!!

And so I have learned this lesson, the hard way. And so I say to you chunky monkey...you may have won a battle...but I will win this war. And in the words of...umm..some big guy in the movies...oh yeah...Arnold...."Hasta la vista, baby!". And even though I have snuggled up to my chocolate bar late at night...whispering...."My precious"....I will not let my past cripple my future...nor will I snuggle up to a chocolate bar, stroke it nor allow it to consume me....I mean allow me to consume it. Ugggh...(insert tears)...abs of steel, abs of steel, where for art thou, abs of steel????

The only thing that can bring comfort right now besides chocolate is...umm...ya...every girl has got it...you know...if you dig deep down...way down into the bottom of your purse, you are sure to find it. That's right. On the best of days, on the worst of days....lip gloss can make you feel like a princess again. You pull out the applicator, purse your lips and apply a thin layer of shine. Nothing makes a girl feel like a girl again like lip gloss!! Well, at least that's how it makes some of my friends feel...I can't say that it's done the same for me...but heck...I am willing to try anything at this point. Okay...not ANYTHING...you know...anything within reason.

I have three months to whip my rear into shape for a marathon....ha ha...okay...the 10K run in my home town. So, it's time to kick some chunky monkey kiester...right outta da kitchen!!

Mmmmm.....I love salad. (sarcasm intended). Did I mention that I am in Vegas next week...for work?? Sigh!!! How do you train and eat right in Vegas??? They don't sell "salad" in Vegas...do they?? Anybody have any tips?

Ladies Weightloss - Sandra Davis

Check this out!! If you are trying to lose weight and need some help....I highly recommend this!!!

Hang in there folks...Chunky Monkey returns to you....on Monday!!!! :)

Chunky Monkey Episode 3

Chunky Monkey wears a bathing suit...UGGGG!!!

The quest for the After......

A fellow blogger, creator of Snappy Socks and an amazing entrepreneur and friend shares her struggles...check her out! This is one amazing lady!!!

Hormone Injections...Back From The Dead!

CBC hails the headline "Hormone Injection Diet Raises Cautions". Ha! A diet fad from the 70's is rearing it's ugly head again. The idea that the quick fix to obesity and over eating is a magic pill or an injection lives on. It's alive....ALIVE!! It is shocking to me that we are still grasping at straws and want to pull a magic lever that will make all our fat melt away. I totally understand wanting a quick fix...but in my experience...a quick fix....is just that....a quick fix...then it's right back to "the way we were". And as much as I have wanted to just push a button and have my body transform into a super hard...hot body....I have discovered that the old fashioned way of eating healthy and exercising is the best solution. I also know...it is just not that simple. There is something deeper happening....everyone would be fit and healthy if it was easy. So what's the problem?

My theory: There are cycles and patterns in everyone's life. Some good, some bad. I can't always see the pattern in my own life and how I contribute to it. No more than you can see how you contribute to your own cycles and patterns. Sometimes we need someone to help us out and be that mirror that reflects the truth.

That may have happened to me last night. Maybe someone told me the truth and pointed out a pattern in my life. Ahhh!! And maybe I didn't like it. And I might have told them so. However, I think I might have needed to hear it. This may or may not have happened. ;) (Gawd...it stung like a bee...it's still burning...kind of like acid...slow...you don't feel it right away....and then WAMO!!! It get's ya....deep).

Anyways..........there is no procrustean solution to the struggle with weight. Get to the root. Pull it out. Eat healthy. Exercise. Get a support group. Pay someone to hold you accountable. And after days, months and years....you will be fit and healthy. Ahhh...crap...that sounds exactly like a procrustean solution. Well...darn it...just try it.

Side note: ....every time I turn on the Brier....I see a Tim's cup in the ice. Every time they throw a rock....I see the cup.....that brown little cup...with the good good coffee in it......and I know it's roll up the rim time.........and then I want one!!! NO...I have to have one!!! I can't relax until I get one. Do the marketing people at Tim Horton's know that their coffee is my kryptonite? Ahhhh!! I have to stop watching curling...cuz it's making me a coffee addict!!!

I am going to go to bed now, only to lay there awake because I had coffee about an hour ago. And then I will lay there in my bed wide awake and think about how dumb it was to get a coffee after the hockey game. Then I will get up at 6:30 a.m., make coffee because I am so tired....get the kids off to school and then stop at Timmies for another coffee on the way to work...because it's roll up the rim time....and I need to juice up to stay awake. And then I will come home and turn on curling...and then want a coffee...and....well...you get the picture!!! Ahhh!!! I should drink coffee before I run...do you think that will help???

Night night!!! Sincerely, Buzzed Chunky Monkey

PS-Bachelor Drama

I bailed early after seeing the unbelievable drama on the Bachelor last night! I may have to ditch the Bachelor and stick to the ever so dark drama of Mad Men. I even had to have some popcorn after watching the show because I was so disgusted with the host who looks like he can hardly stop himself from smiling. It's the bachelor's fault that I am fat!! And why shouldn't he smile...the drama is making him rich!! Why can't I capitalize on someone else's drama and disfunction?? Oh right, I have a heart! I guess I am just going to have to sell something people are addicted to....darn you Starbucks!!! Oh and Happy International Women's Day!!

Floor Hockey Princess Needs Tigerblood

What was I thinking? After receiving a desperate plead for help in the form of a text message at 11 pm Friday night, I agreed to brutalize my body all for the sake of a floor hockey tournament. It would have been okay if it was a women's league however, I hit the floor hockey floor with a mixture of mostly men and a few women. When I walked into the gymnasium at 9:30 Saturday morning....I realized what I had actually agreed to. Upon seeing the gigantic men and seasoned hockey women grace the ball hockey floor....I quivered with fear.

Having no choice, I had to play. I was tossed a Superman shirt and a sweaty hockey glove. I opted out of the sweaty hockey glove. And only one word comes to mind at the stench of the worn, disgusting, full of some boy's hand sweat.....EWWWWW!! I couldn't do it. It was swarming with bacteria and I would not subject my princess hand to the likes of it.

We lost our first game. It was discouraging to say the least. However, we made a huge come back in our second game and it raised our spirits enough to kick some butt on the gymnasium floor. I only bruised my thumb, arm, elbow, knee, shins and rib cage. And I only fell to ground once after bouncing off of a huge man who didn't even notice my princess body bounce off of him. The elbow to the nose did not draw any blood so I bounced back from that pretty good too.

After losing our first game, their star female player came over to talk to me. After cheering me up and giving me a pep talk...she called me a princess. GASP! I was horrified and tried to explain to her that I was beating the chunky monkey in me, worked out very diligently, ate well and would be running a half marathon. So I am NO princess. (I have some princess qualities but I am not one. I swear to you!) She then told me that I was a princess on the ball hockey floor. BUT.....BUT if I got a goal in our fourth game, she would remove my princess status and give me hard core hockey girl status. I had only known this girl in the heat of a ball hockey game and a few minutes on the sidelines and she had already tapped in to how I am motivated.

So, after four, 40-minute ball hockey games....in which my lungs burned, thighs quivered and butt hurt....I wished I had declined the invitation to play!! However, we WON the C-side and we were awarded some pretty non-princess type toques. I wanted to smoke the girl who hacked the heck out of my shins and of course pummel the guy who hit a slap shot at close range right into my rib cage (there is still a large bruise and welt)...but the good news is.....my team prevailed. AND....I got a goal at which point the seasoned female hockey veteran ran over to me, high-fived me and donned me with the high honor of floor hockey goddess!!!

The bad news...my body is hurting so bad I couldn't get to the gym Sunday or yesterday...but today....I am on it. I still can't bend over, my back hurts, my butt hurts, my calves hurt...actually the only thing that doesn't hurt is my head. And I am a rainbow of colors from all my bruises. I think I want to be a princess again. Or I would be cool with being Lady Gaga too!! Maybe I need some of that #tigerblood Charlie Sheen was talking about!!

Back to the gym....ughhh.

Andy :)

ps- Hot Dogs

I have to say that the hot dogs were absolutely delicious at the Scotties. I even have some pictures to prove it....of course, I am not sure whether I should post the pictures of the hot dog culprits or not....hmmmmm.......

Andy :)

Over the Weight Restriction!?

I am home!! It wasn't easy but I made it. And I am officially a chunky monkey. I am terrified to get on the scale. It was 11 days of fun. And spending most of those 11 days with my bestie on the other side of the country made saying good bye really difficult. I am such a suck some days.

I am certainly ready to eat clean and get back to the gym. I feel like I've been on a 10 day food bender. I don't regret it one bit but getting back to the basics is going to feel really really good. I know I did some damage.

Wednesday afternoon I was scheduled to fly home. Who am I kidding....I was leaving home to fly back here where I live. Anyways, I said my goodbye's and rushed into the airport. After a not so pleasant check in as the...let's just call the airline Fair Panada for the sake of saving them the embarrassment....anyways, the Fair Panada rep was having difficulty figuring out how to process my credit card for my additional bag. This is all together dumb in my opinion...but oh well. $20 for a second bag...that I need because I can't put my "liquids" in my carry on. Because I am most certainly "terrorist" material and therefore need to go through the hassle. And of course, you can't just include the second bag in the seat fare. That would be wrong! Needless to say, the delay at check in made me a little late. The security line was full of people and after skipping ahead of a few people and making them angry, I found my way to the front. Look...nothing was going to stop me from getting on my plane. So I thought!!

ANYWAYS, after having my hands swabbed...yes...they swabbed my hands at security...probably because I look like a "weed" smoker and a blow sniffer...Gawd...really?...you are really swabbing my paws?? Sup wit dat lady?? She made me feel dirty. Where was I...oh yes...after being terrorized at security I quickly reassembled my bag that they had so abruptly searched. Like really...do I really look like a threat? So, I put my bag back together and rushed down the escalator because now I am really really late. I ran past someone standing on the escalator and almost knocked them off with my bag that was hanging over my shoulder. My bad...oops. Well, I was minutes from boarding my aircraft...no time to spare. Get out of the way!!!

After arriving at my gate, I approached the rep at the gate desk and asked if I had enough time to use the washroom before boarding the plane. The rep did not even look up from his desk and curtly told me that my plane was not even at the gate. Feeling a little unhappy with the treatment I received, I went and used the washroom. And yes, I washed my freshly swabbed hands. Upon my return, an announcement was made for a gate change. Noticing a struggling elderly lady pushing her own wheelchair while the airline reps walked past her, I helped the lady find the gate as she was noticeably upset and stated she did not know where to go. I don't think she could see...poor little thang! After getting her settled, I sat down and was interrupted by yet another announcement. The rep announced that the now delayed flight had been oversold, the aircraft was carrying additional fuel and due to high winds...there was a weight restriction. She then announced pre-boarding. I watched other people who paid money for their seat just like me board the airplane. I approached the desk and the airline attendant looked me in the eye and said, "I'm sorry ma'am...but due to a weight restriction, I cannot permit you to board the aircraft".

Feeling a little disgruntled, I realized that my 10 day food bender must be bad if I am too fat to get on the damn aircraft. I saw other people who are clearly larger than me board the plane. Why me?? What about the pudgy little boy who is as wide as he is tall who just got on....why was he allowed to board. And what about the lady who you know...was...you know....bigger. Come on...admit it...if an airline attendant looked at you and said you can't board because of a weight restriction....one does have to wonder....is it really because there are too many people....or is it because I had wine....and chocolate frequently. I wanted to put my fingers around her throat and demand that she tell me the truth. I can take it. Come on...tell me!! Tell me I'm fat!! Just spit it out you skinny little beeotch. As my mind drifted off into a very ugly scenario....the flight attendant interupted me...ma'am....excuse me ma'am....

Snapping out of my daydream, I made my way to the customer service desk. Yikes!! Looking at the line up, I explained to the other delayed and inconvenienced passengers what just happened in my mind. Well, I caused some trouble as the line up of people were laughing and carrying on so much that the already disgruntled customer service rep got even uglier! Ooops!! I am just p-ing off everybody today.

Awww...it wasn't so bad. I spent another night in my "second home", had some chocolate, watched American Idol and drifted off to sleep. Gawd...it's back to the gym on Sunday!!!!!! And eating clean...well...it's kind of like that song by White Snake....."here I go again"! I have to get fit and fast as I am off to Vegas in a month. And before you curl your lip and frown at me....it's for work!!! I can prove it!!!

Night bloggosphere!!

Sincerly, Chunky (Over the Weight Restriction)