ps- Body for Wife

My husband just sent me this link. I love it! So this is dedicated to all you boys out there!!

Body for Wife

Sincerely,

Chunky

Day 87: The curse of mediocrity!

Chunky monkey has not been to the gym this week. Thank God January will be a fresh start on exercise and eating. My training program ended on December 25th and I don't start again until January. However, I can still work out...there's nothing stopping me....except the fact that the girls are on school break and I can't leave them alone to go work out, my knee is STILL bother me and I think I am....I am....tired. I feel like I am stuck in some horrible "in-between world" called limbo and can't slay nor entertain the fat monster. Ack! Spit! Spew! It is that horrible, ugly monster called mediocrity. Bleh...I spit thee out of my mouth mediocrity....right after I have a nap....and a cookie. It's like having a drink of lukewarm water....GROSS...nobody likes lukewarm. The curse of mediocrity has showed it's ugly head. And it's cousins apathy and complacency are right behind him. (Please note: all these monsters are male monsters....snicker). It's time to call in back up!! I need to get out tonight...and have my "me" time at the gym. That will do it. I know it!!!

So what did I do yesterday? I am not working. I am at home with my angels. Well......

Yesterday was full of surprises. Not the real surprising kind but the kind where you tilt your head sideways and say...."really?".

Joanne and I took our gang of kids to the swimming pool. Maybe it was because swimming seemed like a good idea. Or perhaps it was the fact that my girls were attempting to kill each other and the whole "yelling and fighting" thing was getting on my nerves. So, after my appointment, we had a date with the swimming pool.

After dropping off Jael at my Mom's, Eden and I headed out to my doctor's appointment. We sang together with Abba (so completely fun and krazy), which was playing on the radio, and shortly arrived at the doc's office. I needed a refill on my birth control, so the appointment was going to be short and sweet. After visiting with the doctor for a few minutes, she handed me my prescription. We continued to visit and Eden promptly studied the carefully typed prescription. In amazement she exclaimed, "Your middle name is Carol??? You don't look like a Carol!"

I quickly explained to her that I don't really like my middle name (who does?) and that I generally don't tell anyone what it is. Eden then asked me..."does Daddy know?"..."Yes, daddy knows"..."oh... what is birth control"...."ummm...it's a pill that stops me from getting pregnant"...."I want a baby boy"...."you want to have a baby boy or you want me to have a baby "...."I want you to have a boy, I want a brother"..."Ummm...no...no more babies, I've had my share". Of course, the doctor sat across the desk from us and thoroughly enjoyed the entire conversation. This was only the beginning...of things yet to come.

Off to Joanne's house! Eden asked me if I was going to swim with them. I told her probably not and of course she needed to know why. So, I was honest. "I haven't been to the gym in a few days and I just feel.....well....I feel kind of fat". Horrified she exclaimed, "Mom, you are NOT fat". And in the very next breath she said, "I know all of the swear words"...."really?"...."yes, I do. I know the a-word, the b-word, the c-word, the d-word, both f-words and the s-word". Of course, I was skeptical and didn't believe her. After all, the last time we talked about swear words, she told me that the f- word was frick. I was relieved to say the least. So, I asked Eden to spell the a-word, then the b-word and the f-word. In complete and utter horror, my mouth dropped open as Eden had spelled them all correctly. She didn't know the c-word...thank you God!!! I reminded her that those words were not proper and should not be used....unless of course she likes to eat soap.

It gets better. She then asked me, "what do those words mean?". Ahhhh!!! So, I explained them best I could and just avoided the f-word all together. Oh yeah...I am mother of the year now. I taught me kid the slang for poop. She then asked me if there was a swear word for every letter of the alphabet. I don't really know but I'm sure there is. (What is up with all the questions today?)

So, off to Joanne's to drop off a coffee and then out to my other friends for coffee. Krazy. I know. Tis the season, right? At my friend's for coffee, her son was really excited to show me his Christmas present from his brother which was a picture of Marilyn Monroe. Of course, we then discussed Myley Cyrus, Jimmi Hendrix and Queen. The word STD came up and of course, Eden jumped right in. "What is an STD?", she asked. And being that my friend is a nurse and love's to educate, Eden got an ear full. So, my 8 year old knows what the swear words mean, knows my middle name and learned what an STD is...all in one day. OMG!!!! This is too much for the mamma!! Thank God she didn't ask what safe sex was. Phewww!!

Feeling pleasantly plump and horrified of the days conversation topics, we headed to the pool. The pool experience was great as it was relaxing and the kids were entertained. Joanne and I sat by the pool like good Chunky Monkeys do and tried to figure out if there really was a swear word for every letter of the alphabet while we munched on some carrots. I know...we are very mature. However, we had fun but had to work hard at blocking out the little boy (12 years old) who ran out of the change room screaming and twisting his nipples and the Sasquach man who really did look like the Sasquach. Joanne told me to quit staring. I couldn't help it...I was in awe. At first glance, one would think he was swimming with a wool sweater on, at second glance one would think it was the Sasquach himself and finally at third glance, one realizes it is a very hairy version of a man who is built like a Sasquach.

Geeez....it's time for holidays to end and to get back to work. It's scary what a person's mind does when it has idle time. I guess the good part was that the sasquach-man was motivation for me to stay on the "fitness" wagon and never fall off.

In an attempt to spin all this positive, the "rest" and the break has been good for me knee. Off to the Physiotherapist again today. Then gym tonight....no and's if's or buts! I think I need cookie.

Andy :)

Day 85: To eat or not to eat...that is the question!!

The Christmas eating marathon is over!! Christmas hangover is in full swing!!! If I see one more bun, roll or decadent dessert I think I will...umm...err....eat it!! Christmas really is the time of year where one can literally eat themselves into a coma. It's funny how a holiday that is supposed to be 'holy' is the very holiday where we over spend and act like glutton's. That kind of behavior kind of takes the 'holy' out of it. Unless you use the word in reference to how you feel after....holy crap...I am sick of food. Or...holy! I feel like crap! Or...holy! Look at all the crap we have to put away.

The tree is down, the desserts have been consumed, the wine is locked away and the training begins. I am now beginning phase II of my "new life". I was down to 156 lbs before Christmas and I have been too scared to see the damage on the scale. I've lost ten pounds since the beginning of my chunky monkey battle. So that means...15 more pounds to go. SIGH. I will wait until tomorrow to weigh in. Heaven help me. Don't get me wrong...my eating was okay...not perfect but pretty darn good...I was just inactive...to say the least. And I can blame it on the fact that both of my adorable little angels had oozing, pussing, disgusting eye infections or I can blame it on the fact that the gym was closed...regardless of the reason why....chunky monkey was just not fat slaying. More like fat storing.

We had a great time in Regina yesterday however, every time I use a public washroom something horrible happens and I then feel the need to tell you about it. I know I can't blog about my ugly public bathroom experiences all the time but I can't help it. For me, the public bathroom is the most despicable place on the planet. And I certainly don't like it when the ENTIRE toilet paper roll falls onto the disgusting contaminated floor. How can I use dirty toilet paper? Drip dry...or dirty toilet paper...AHHH! Of course my six year old made the situation so much better as she witnessed the whole ordeal. As I hovered and picked the WHOLE roll off the dirty floor, she said, "Now what are you going to do, Mom?". Well, maybe you could get me some CLEAN toilet paper!!! Gawd...you don't even want to know what I did. Yup...that's right. I used the dirty paper. I am disgusted with myself.

I may have been a wee bit more sensitive yesterday as we were trying to shop and well the swarms of people made my life in particular......miserable. I don't like it when strangers bump into me, brush past me, flip their hair on me or even lean up against me. In fact, Jael wanted to go into the video game store and of course video game stores are small. And the day after boxing day everybody and their dog was shopping in the video game store. Okay maybe not with their dog but their entire family was there and they were all just standing around and brushing up against me. And me and my "don't touch me if I don't know you" philosophy...well...it didn't go over well.

As I fought to exit the store as quickly as possible, a lady asked me if I was in line. Not realizing how angry I was feeling I snapped, "NO, I just want to get out of this freaking store!". It couldn't have been too bad because the people who were pressed up against me (oh God I hated it) started to laugh at me. However, they did clear a path to let me, the germ-psycho, out of the store. So it worked out ok. Then the toilet paper incident happened. And then we left. I was exhausted from all the germs. And I bought shampoo. That's it. Amidst all the amazing sales...I bought shampoo. And as I left, I walked past MMM muffins....very slowily.

After that, we decided to go to Chapters. If I was to die...Chapters would be my heaven (and the bathroom my hell). I know, a nerd to the core. Regardless, I found a great case for me e-reader, a book on running and a "mommy" calendar. And nobody touched me there. Of course, the bathroom was less than desirable but at least the roll stayed on the holder. And well, the lure of Starbucks had a hold on me. And I bowed my knee. I submitted to a cafe mocha. I drank it. All 3/4 of it. It conquered me yesterday. Well, all I can say to the fat monster is this...you may have one that battle but I will win this war!!!! Haaarrrrrrrr!!!

And I don't think I can handle hearing one more person cry to me about how hard it is to avoid food during the holidays. It is hard on us all. And we all win some...and lose some...and gain some. And honestly, why must we demonstrate the lowest and most primitive level of intelligence...what are we children.....give the baby her bottle....or give the fatty her cookie. Oh gawd...I am the fattie who wants the friggin cookie. GAWD...ALL I WANT IS AN OATMEAL CHOCLATE CHIP COOKIE AND I HAVE NOT HAD ONE. NO NOT ONE. AND YES! I AM YELLING!! It all started when I was in playschool. I sat on a nun's knee and she taught me the song..."who stole the cookie from the cookie jar". IT WAS ME! I TOOK YOUR DUMB COOKIE AND I ATE THE WHOLE DAMN THING!

And honestly, there are no excuses!! I am a cookie addict. I need someone to feel sorry for me so I am going to call the "feel sorry for me" hotline....it's 1-888-suck-tit. At least that's what Brad told me. Gawd...Christmas, wine and sweets has turned me into a complete baby. See! See what sugar does. It is evil!! It is the spawn of Satan himself.

To eat or not to eat...why is it always the same frigging question??

New Years Resolutions:

1. Drink less wine.

2. Eat healthy.

3. Drink less wine.

4. Lose 15 lbs by April 30th.

5. Drink less wine.

6. Go to Vegas in May. (NO WINE)

7. Run every other day.

8. Drink less wine.

9. Live for a cause bigger than myself. (not wine)

10. Drink less wine.

11. Build healthy long lasting relationships. (with people, not wine)

12. Start smoking. (Just kidding) Train for marathon in June. So NO COOKIES!

13. Find a new chocolate chip oatmeal cookie recipe.

Wow...that's sad. A single tear rolls down my cheek. Okay...enough of the drama...off to get some groceries. (NOT WINE).

Sincerely,

Chunky

Day 80

So far so good...I have been able to resist the temptation of the all the Christmas treats. However, our marathon of eating starts today....I will update all of you after Christmas. Happy eating and good luck to you!!!

Merry Christmas everyone!!!

Day 79: Part I: Thank you British Columbia

You may say that I'm a dreamer......but we are on our way in raising funds for Room to Read one step at a time! Thank you British Columbia!!!
Imagine

Day 78: Secret Santa

How are we feeling? We are feeling really good. Perspective seems to enlighten even the dullest of minds...today, I feel enlightened. Having had the opportunity to speak to two different mentors who are people whom I consider extremely successful, I feel (and no other word can summarize it better) blessed to say the least.

Having lost my dad to a brain aneurism when I was 12 years old...I sometimes feel like I have missed out in some ways. Let's be honest, I feel like I missed out on a lot. I don't know what I missed out on exactly...I just know I missed out on something. And at the risk of sounding juvenile and childish, I will admit that having the lap of daddy to crawl up on after a bad day...is something I have longed for....metaphorically speaking now that I am older. And my fluctuating weight has only been a side effect of things I never handled well. One of those things being the loss of my Dad. Father's are known for wisdom, stability and protection. These are all the things I struggle with...they are what I have sought out in my own life as there was tremendous lack when I was growing up.

Thinking back, Father's Day was the only day of the year that I would want to run and hide. Why? Simply because I had no father to honor. The crafts at school were all designed to give to a "dad". I never knew who to give my craft to. And keeping the craft hurt more than anything. It felt better to give it away. And since I lost my dad at so young an age, I struggle and still do with the entire concept of "dad". Having said all this...I feel like I have reaped a harvest of love and support and the "daddy" hole in my heart is being filled to the brim....and overflowing. I can only say this, "Thank you God for the people you have brought into my life".

After talking to my mentor on the phone only moments ago, he explained to me that my identity is created through out life's journey. It's okay if I am not settled on who I actually am. It takes a lifetime to discover it. And as I spend more time working, that time away actually strains the relationships I hold so dear. So aligning my priorities with my career is absolutely essential to success as I define it. And instead of seeing stress (which I feel my plate is very full) as a negative thing...I can look at it and see it as a positive thing as it provides me an opportunity to reflect. Much like change is an opportunity for renewal, stress is an opportunity to reflect. The lifestyle I lead and how I model it to my children is what matters in life.

(Maybe I haven't missed out and if I did....I am certainly not missing out now. That is the best fatherly advice...and I am thankful for it.)

Wow!! The nuggets of gold that he has given me in a few moments over the phone has really enlightened me today. His affirmation and validation of me will not be forgotten. I am so thankful for my mentors. Thank you Bryan, ML, Aunty K and Carl!!! You have challenged my thinking, my priorities and my philosophy. Relationships are really what matter the most. At the end of your life, no one will care how much money you made...people care about the value you add to their life.

My tip of the day: I always used to say...business is business. I have discovered in the last 6 months that business is not business.....business is relationships. Life is relationships. They are the only things that we can invest in that will always appreciate in value. And the magnitude at which they will appreciate is astounding when we invest in them without restraint.

Just today, I have fallen prey to two random acts of kindness. Who are you secret Santa? The flowers are beautiful and Jo and Andy send you big hugs and a big thank you. (It is driving us crazy...we have no idea who sent us flowers...and we so appreciate it. THANK YOU!). I am overwhelmed today...in the best way possible. Just ask Joanne...I jumped up and down when the flowers came...and I hugged her and almost knocked her over. I then kissed her son and he promptly wiped it off....lol! It really made my day.

AND thank you for the support for Room to Read. I am so very excited as I have received my first pair of shoes today. Actually, I received a check so that I can purchase a pair of shoes. You know who you are....THANK YOU!!! I will post a picture soon...!!! Thank you M.S.!!!

Tonight, Brad and I are going on a date........to the gym. I am very excited about it. I know...it's pretty sad that the gym is my location of choice...however, the gym is starting to feel like home to me. I miss it when I don't go. And going on a date with the love of my life at the gym....well....it will be fun. After all, he proposed to me 13 years ago....at the gym. And I can't think of a better way to spend this evening. After my day that has been so full of insight and the Christmas spirit, I can think of no better way to spend my evening. What can be more fun than sweating together....at the gym? (Okay...there are a few things...but hey...this blog is rated PG...not R. I have to respect that. ;) ).

Sincerely,

Chunky Monkey

Day 77

Tis the season to be jolly er umm...jiggly....and that is an understatement to say the least. There is a plethora of cookies, cakes, cinnamon buns and treats that have overtaken the office. In fact, since their hostile takeover, they have taken some of my colleagues hostage. The fate of their now ripple free bodies now hangs by a thread. Will they succumb to the lure of the fat monster?? Will the strain of Christmas goodies get the better of them? Will it get the better of me? I think not!!

So far, my record remains unblemished as I have not fallen prey to the countless calories that taunt me daily as I walk past them. They send out an aroma in an attempt to lure me out of my office and into the fat snare. Others that have gone before me have fallen. They fought valiantly but they fell...for the fat monster had overtaken them. And this Christmas, more will stumble, some will be destroyed...but I....I FEAR thee not evil fat monster!! I resist your incessant calls to me. Even in the midnight hour, I turn my face away from the refrigerator. My eyes will not search to and fro looking for something to devour. I will not excavate deep into the bowels of the deep freezer for a cookie. I will not pay attention to your constant cries.

Friends, countrymen, fellow fat slayers, lend me your ear. The fat monster cries out, but we will not listen. We will fight!! The fat monster will try to take our bodies, our health and our lives...but we will not bend...we will not bow and it will never..... have........ our freedom!

Voice over:(Look at me....ah yes.....even in the heat of the calorie battle, I remain strong....regal.....honorable...........I want a cookie. Chocolate chip oatmeal...mmmm).

Okay...I know...way over the top. But I must get pumped up for the "eating marathon" that starts on December 24th. When did our culture get so wrapped up in food? Do we really need it at every occasion? And why the excess...whatever happened to just enough. More than enough creates excess....a moment on the lips...a lifetime on the hips. IS IT REALLY WORTH IT? Voice Over: (Oh gawd...a chocolate chip cookie would SO be worth it right now.)

Anyways, I hit the gym tonight. I just got back actually. And since I don't want to bore you with the details....(did I mention the recumbent bike is absolutely the most boring exercise ever? I'd rather sit in a grade 9 geography class!!)...nothing was out of the ordinary. Well, with the exception of the gigantic pools of sweat that showed up on my lower back and ass....what do the kids these days call it...oh yes.....swass....and then there is swoob...but that one is pretty self-explanatory. I wondered why the one guy looked at me funny when I passed him. I was feeling bold, beautiful and b#$chn'. However, clearly I was not....I looked like I sat in a puddle of water...I was clearly suffering from a nasty case of swass, swoob and sweat....sigh...and the color of my gym pants announced it to the world!!! Of course, I only noticed it when I looked over my shoulder into the mirror on my way OUT of the gym. I'm going to tell you this....who ever is taking locker 81 has no idea what I go through when she takes it. I look forward to the day when I catch her putting her things in my locker.....oh yeah....it ain't over until the fat lady sings. That's right...it's all over but the cryin'!!! You fight with the bull.....YOU get the horns!! (Voice Over: What I really want....is a cookie).

Night!!!

Chunky :)

Day 74: A series of unfortunate events...

Well, another day has passed and I am starting to feel a little bit of the Christmas spirit. Just a little bit. After my adventures last night, I can't help myself and have to admit that Christmas time is an amazing time of year. It amazes me how wonderful it is to spend time with friends. I just spent the afternoon with some of my dearest friends and just maybe that has helped me feel a little more Christmas-ish. Being away so much this year has left little time for me to be with my home-girls and I loved every minute of being with them today. I'm even going to get see them right around the time we bring the new year in...and I can think of no one better to spend that time with. Anyways, enough of the sap....it's on to better things.

I just spent the last hour with my Physiotherapist as I neglected to wrap my knee for my workout last night. My knee is in rough shape today and now it is completely taped to ensure no further injury. I must say it is better than the tensor as the tape fits comfortably under my jeans. Since, I completely forgot about wrapping it and got serious crap from my PT...I think I need to be a little more careful. No, I did get serious crap...he had his angry eyes on and well, he means business. In my defense, my knee has been feeling really good and well, I was so focused on "finding" the Christmas spirit that I completely forgot about it. I also believe the traumatic experience in the change room distracted me from doing what I had to do.

Yes, another unfortunate event in the women's locker room has taken place. Seriously....why me?? Why do these things always happen to me?? I rushed into the gym desperate to complete my work out so that I could find some unsuspecting souls to sing for me. That was my mission. However, upon entering the change room and opening up locker #81, I discovered that someone had put their things in it. Not paying attention to the other girl changing...I exclaimed, "How DARE she?!" The woman changing inquired as to what was the matter. Of course, I explained to her that I am a creature of habit and I feel like locker 81 is mine. Whenever I discover someone else has taken it...it throws my whole night off. She actually agreed and the other two women nearby joined the conversation.

Of course, I had to be myself and acted completely ridiculous by telling my story about locker 81. So, they were all laughing and changing and listening to my craziness. I pulled my dress pants down, stepped out of them and then into my LuLu's. I pulled them up quickly as all eyes were on me as I narrated my ridiculous rant about locker 81. After pulling up my pants, I could feel something hanging....and for lack of a better word....hanging in the crotch of my pants. There was no way I could ignore it or pretend it wasn't there. I had to find out...what was in my pants. Not even thinking...I blurted out, "What's going on here". All eyes are on me now as I reach my hand down the front of my pants and start rooting around to find out what was down there.

I could feel something foreign. Something that didn't belong. I grasped onto the intruder and yanked it out. In complete and utter horror, I realized that it was a thong. NO, not the kind you where on your foot. The other kind. With 3 pairs of eyes on me, I held the underwear out in front of me and froze as I was in shock. Out of my mouth came...."It's my panties...what are these doing in there". Realizing what had happened, I felt my face get red and hot. Embarrassed, I quickly threw them into my locker and slammed it shut. "STUPID locker 79", I grumbled. I quickly explained that I had just washed my clothes and the thong probably got stuck in them. Little did they know that I COMPLETELY LIED TO THEM as the thong had been....hmmm...."gently worn" previously.

The three women laughed hysterically at me. One had a wee bit of compassion and attempted to comfort me by saying..."at least they didn't fall out in the middle of the gym". Dear God...I wanted to die in this moment. I hate the locker rooms to begin with...and now...when I was brave and didn't care....and I changed in front of everyone....my damn "gently used" thong was in the crotch of my pants!!! How much worse can it get??

The feeling was worse than the trauma that happened today. Oh yes...you won't believe it...but there is more. Two traumas back to back. I was preparing for a meeting in our board room and accidently spilled water from the coffee pot. Desperate to clean it up quickly before my clients showed up, I burst through the door of the men's room next door to grab some paper towel. All I saw was the paper towel dispenser. Looking quickly over my shoulder....OMG...NO...there was a guy....at a urinal.....and he was peeing!!! "AHH...MY VIRGIN EYES!!" I bolted out of the bathroom before he turned around and ran into Jackie's office and hid behind the door. I waited until I heard him leave the bathroom. I peaked around Jackie's door to ensure the coast was clear. It would have been better if it would have been someone I didn't know....like Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp.....WAY less traumatic. However, it was a friend....and well.....it was a horrible feeling. Gawd...I hope he doesn't know who it was. However, I am sure he will bbm me later when he reads this.

"Dear God...I wish I was dead. Amen."

Off to a Christmas party....to which I am bringing a delightful appetizer....in which I will not indulge. So....happy calorie-free Christmas partying to you and yours this holiday season.

Cheers,

Chunky Monkey :)

PS- Please help me raise money for Room to Read by sending me a pair of size 8 sneakers from your home province/state. For each pair of sneakers I receive, I will donate $100 to Room to Read. (For the sake of the law and my marriage, I've capped it at $5000 and have a deadline of January 31, 2011). Thank you for your help!!!!

PPS- If I receive more than 50 pairs of shoes, I will auction them off and all proceeds will go to Room to Read!!

My attempt at "feeling" Christmas-ish!

After a drive through the city to observe Christmas lights...

I wizzed with my car through the lit Christmas night

And what happened then...?

Well in Swift Current they say

That my small heart grew three sizes today.

I finally felt the spirit of Christmas...it's true

Don't question or doubt it...

...just experience it too!

(I want a cookie)

Day 73- Christmas-ish

It all started when I shook the hand of the CEO of an accounting firm this morning. No, not the one I sleep with....a different one. As I extended my hand, it caught his scarf and we shook with a scarf between our hands. It was weird. Neither one of us said a thing however, we were both aware that his scarf was between our hands. What do you do when something like that happens? We did nothing. It was totally and utterly comical...and yet weird...all at the same time. I've never shaked, with scarf between our palms...I guess there is a first time for everything.

Then as he was explaining some things to me, my ear caught a song that was playing on the radio. I actually think it is so cheesy when couples have a "song". When people say, "oh..that's our song" and then drift off into another world that is full of fantasy (for that is exactly what it is), I think it is ridiculous and juvenile. What is this 1969 and we are on a back road in Saskatchewan? Do you sit in the middle seat of his half ton, honey? Oh and you probably wear his washed up "football" jacket too?......However, the song that caught my ear this morning was.....ummmm....ya.....our song...kind of. (blush) And I was trying to pay attention to the person who was speaking to me. Alas, I could not. I don't even know what he said until the song finished. It was definitely problematic. I can't help but wonder if he realized I drifted off....

I think it is because I am distracted. I am really bothered that I can't seem to feel Christmas. What does Christmas feel like anyways? In years past, Christmas was a time to gorge ourselves on food. It is the epitome of gluttony. It is eating yourself into a coma. And the best way to "feel" Christmas was to run my hand down my stomach and feel the food baby that was inside. This year...I am going to do that....just on one day.

The following is an actual email from my mom outlining our Christmas Dinner Dessert Menu:

This is the dessert menu:
Chocolate chip cookies
Spice Cookies
Butter tarts
Home-made Oreo cookies
Rice Krispie Cake
Home made cinnamon rolls
Raspberry Trifle

Are ya hungry yet?????

Thank God we are going to her house on cheat day!!

Since I no longer have parties in my mouth, nor do I find comfort in food...I can't seem to get into the Christmas spirit. I can't seem to find the "feeling" of Christmas. I now know how Cindy Lou Hoo felt when she sang..."Where are you Christmas...". Right now, I am willing to try anything to get "that feeling". I am singing that song now. In my office. All alone. Crying. Okay...not crying...but definitely....seriously....solemn.

In an attempt to feel Christmas-ish, I suggested that Jo and I go for Christmas lunch. She tells me that I will use any excuse to have a "Christmas" celebration. That may be true however, my attempt at feeling festive was destroyed by the toilet paper in the restaurant's bathroom.

Yeah...I know...another rant. But I can't help it. I really despise and loathe entirely shitty toilet paper. Okay...not toilet paper that is actually....ummm...soiled....but toilet paper that is so frail and transparent that it does not even have the strength to turn the roll on which it rests on without breaking. It has got to be one of the most frustrating experiences in the world to be forced to use toilet paper that I can actually see through. And of course, I never discover this until after I have pee'd. So, there I am trying to hover over a toilet seat, unravel a roll of toilet paper that keeps breaking, reach up into the toilet paper holder trying to find the end...and getting nothing but a BIT of paper. And so after fighting with the roll, instead of having a single strand....I have 49 small pieces. I actually shook the toilet paper holder and grumbled in complete and utter frustration. And now, because I have been struggling so long...I have virtually drip dried, have a handful of multiple pieces of less than mediocre toilet paper in my hand and my legs are ready to give out because it has taken literally 10 minutes to do something that usually takes only two. And NO, I do not need very much toilet paper. Just enough to prevent having a silver dollar in my underwear. I just want a single strand that actually absorbs. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? IS IT?? Merry friggin' Christmas to you Mr. restaurant owner!!

So after using the bathroom I returned to the table with Joanne. Joanne asked me 2x if I was okay. "Are you listening or are you off.... far away?" I was present in body. Not so present in spirit or actually even listening, however today I was just plain hungry. Probably because I had expended every ounce of my energy fighting with the toilet paper! And I am very upset that the Christmas spirit was not going to be found at lunch because I beat the heck out of the toilet paper roll. And now I am having trouble paying attention because along with the fact that I have ADD, sensory issues and I am as excitable as a high spirited mare....my stomach is eating itself. Bring me my chicken! I don't care if the chicken is not dead yet...I will take care of that....I am hungry...right....now! That is all I can think about. After I eat, I am a way better person. Full of life, energy and chicken! Joanne says I'm like Dr. Jekly and Mr. Hyde when I'm hungry. She thinks I get grumpy when I'm hungry. I think she even called me a child. LOL!! She is so right!!

Still desperate to feel Christmas some place other than my stomach, I asked our waitress, "What does Christmas feel like to you?". She didn't really have an answer. In fact, she looked at me like I was crazy (she is so right). But since my tummy was now full, I felt full of life and ready to rock. (This is the Hyde and Jekyl thing again). I told her..."Christmas to me is wrapping presents by a crackling fire. Having a good friend by my side while sharing a nice hot cup of cocoa with a touch of Baileys while listening to cheesy Christmas carols." I guess I am not that crazy because the waitress wants to come wrap presents with me....lol...I guess she wasn't feeling "Christmas-ish" either. That or she is an alcoholic. I'm not really sure.

I will make one more final attempt at "feeling" Christmas today. I will first go to the gym. Then I am going to do something crazy. Yikes....I hope I am brave enough. I will be sure to take a picture and tell you all about it tomorrow. Wish me luck!!

Andy :)

PS- Please help me raise money for Room to Read by sending me a pair of size 8 sneakers from your home province/state. For each pair of sneakers I receive, I will donate $100 to Room to Read. (For the sake of the law and my marriage, I've capped it at $5000 and have a deadline of January 31, 2011). Thank you for your help!!!!

PPS- If I receive more than 50 pairs of shoes, I will auction them off and all proceeds will go to Room to Read!!

PS- Room To Read

I have decided that in a complete rebellion against the sales lady who sold me my sneakers who said I can't wear sneakers to work, I am going to do something crazy (are you really surprised?). I am not only going to get a pair of sneakers for everyday of the week....but it is my goal to get a pair from every province.

For every pair of sneakers that I receive before January 31, 2011, I will donate $100 (I'm not loaded so I have to cap it at $5000) to Room to Read and wear sneakers for the entire month of January...that's right...every single day....Room to Read seeks to transform the lives of millions of children in developing countries by focusing on literacy and gender equality in education. Working in collaboration with local communities, partner organizations and governments, we develop literacy skills and a habit of reading among primary school children, and support girls to complete secondary school with the relevant life skills to succeed in school and beyond. For more information on this GREAT organization...please click here.....http://www.roomtoread.org.

Why sneakers? a. because I like them. b. it takes one step at a time to change the world.

If you would like to help me make a difference this Christmas, please send me a pair of sneakers from your home province or state. If you have any questions, please feel free to email me at andrea@widemouthmedia.com.

Shoe size: 8

Mailing Address:

Andrea Stevenson

Wide Mouth Media

145 1st Ave NE

Swift Current, SK S9H 2B1

Canada

306-778-2699

Day 72: Sinking Ship

Today is weigh day. I was dreading my weigh in this morning...but good news...I am exactly the same weight...157 lbs. So, the chocolate buffet did not do any damage. Well, it didn't do any long lasting damage. Today, I feel very sober (metaphorically speaking) as I have made some big decisions. I feel calm, peaceful, sad and happily terrified all at the same time. I am sure your curiosity is getting the better of you so here it is. My decision is to continue on the path that I am on. Committed. Sold out. All for one and one for all. We launch Silver Lining on January 21st and I am stoked about that!!

After evaluating my priorities and analyzing them with the opportunities that lie ahead of me, I realized that I am right on track. The path I choose in life must be in alignment with my priorities and my definition of success. With some minor tweaks and better time management, I can keep doing what I am doing and manage my stress level more effectively. Working out and eating right plays a major role in me reducing my stress. It also keeps the Chunky Monkey demon monster from taking over my body again.

My definition of success (for me personally) is:

Success is having healthy relationships with my children, husband, family and the people in my circle of trust. It is being financially secure, knowing there will be enough to live and survive without dependence on others. It is having the freedom to travel and experience the world. It is not worrying about money. It is creating a legacy for my children and my children’s children. It is spending quality time with the one’s I love where I am one hundred percent present. It is golfing on a Saturday morning with good friends, putting in a good days work, being home with the family for quality time and living for a cause that is bigger than myself. It is discovering God and the importance of spirituality in my life. It is creating a positive environment that is full of love and acceptance for the one's I care for. It is living my life in a way that influences and changes someone else’s life for the better. It is having the ability to help others financially, spiritually and emotionally. Throw a healthy dose of adventure into this mix and the recipe is complete.

I am sure it is just driving you crazy that I have not identified the opportunity that I contemplated taking. It really is quite simple...I was offered a job. That's it. It did however throw me for a loop and definitely had me evaluating my entire life. I believe this offer came at a good time as it forced me to write down on paper (yes, I used paper) what my priorities are. It also, forced me to look at my life and determine what is really important.

I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to write down goals, dreams, definitions of success, definitions of what family is and who they are. It helps to focus on what really matters. It has also helped me to appreciate who my core group is. They are not bound by geographical limitations and I am amazed at the level and depth of relationship I have with them. (You know who you are!) And gawd...I know...I am a total nerd. I can't help you know!! Write your darn goals down and clarity somehow mysteriously arrives. That is the cheesiest thing I have ever said...however, it is truth.

This entire process of losing weight, getting fit and changing myself has opened the closet door of the ugliness in my heart and is forcing me to deal with it. Weight and health are so linked to what we hide in the deepest, darkest chambers of our hearts. Part of becoming a master of living, requires us to unlock the doors we have so carefully boarded shut and start unwinding the tangled web inside our hearts and minds. And to my amazement, this cannot be done without a support group. It is surprising who steps up and is there for you when you are in a "sinking ship in the middle of the ocean on a stormy night". I can assure you , it is never who you think or expect that throws you a lifeline. I can also assure you that you will be amazed at all the good that comes out of it when you go through it. Hey...that's all that matters right? That you go through...to the other side....whatever it is that you are facing.

Now that I have my career settled (or should I say I am settled in my career), I need to get my health aligned and then my personal life. So, you will probably hear a lot about what is happening with the doctor and all of my symptoms very soon. It's all connected you know. And it is all so important in destroying the fat monster. Phase II should be another great ride and I hope you will come along with me........hey...isn't that a Great Big Sea song....."Come Along With Me"?

So, it's off to the gym to do some serious fat slaying!!

PS- Jackie, it was not very nice of you to eat fries and gravy in front of me at lunch today (even if I did order it!). (Love you girl!!)

Andy :)

Day 71: Baroness Chunky Monkey

I just looked at the calendar and realized that Christmas is next week. OMG!! How did that happen? Thank God our Christmas tree is up and decorated. I can get my gifts wrapped tonight right after I squeeze the gym in. Ahh...who has time for working out this time of year?! There is no rest for the wicked! I am starting to wonder if I am wicked...as I have no rest. Is it really Christmas?

Do you ever wonder if your life is like Truman's? You know...the whole world is watching and you have no clue. Right at that moment when you pick your nose or I sneak that bite of a cookie.....are there hidden cameras watching my every move??? I don't actually pick my nose. Well, I guess we all do at some point but I don't have to admit that. You know what they say...you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose but you can't pick your friend's nose. Just a little fyi for you.

Joanne and I pulled in late last night after fighting the fog, white knuckling the steering wheel and praying that the good Lord spare our lives. Okay...she white knuckled the steering wheel and I prayed that the good Lord would spare my life. I know...completely selfish...I know....but I didn't want to die. And since we only had two rules on the weekend....#1 No one is allowed to die. #2 No one is allowed to be stressed out....well...I wanted to follow the rules.

Regardless of how stressful the drive home was...I saw something brilliant when the fog cleared. We have Christmas lights on our house this year!!! Wooo! Joanne and I pulled into the drive way of my home and we both stared in awe. After staring for a moment, we turned and looked at each other and well...we had a good laugh. My husband put up lights for me. And I am thrilled that he was so thoughtful in doing so. They are perfect!! And even though the color scheme does not exist, the way in which they are draped over the garage door is questionable and the tangled extension cord that is wrapped around my outdoor light makes the whole lighting experience somewhat "Charlie Brown Christmas Tree-ish"....I still love it. It's worth the drive by...lol. Joanne thinks it's special.

The weekend was great but I am afraid of the damage that was done from the chocolate buffet at our five-star hotel. I don't want to weigh in tomorrow. AHHH! But, It was glorious!! I was sick after but it was definitely worth it. And who can forget Marga!! Marga was a really cute little lady that we met in the Vancouver airport. She is from Germany and was tickled pink that my Grandmother's name was Van Asselstine. So, you may all call me baroness Chunky Monkey next time you see me! (Isn't Marga cute? She was one of the sweetest ladies I have ever met. I love old people! And please, no comments from the peanut gallery).

Tom Cruise was apparently staying at our hotel while we were there. I looked for him so that I could accidentally bump into him and then snub him and act like I didn't know him. I've always wanted to do that to a star. Actually, just him. That didn't happen though.

And the snobby flight attendant on our flight home left her jacket and "wings" on the seat next to Joanne. I grabbed it and contemplated putting it on and handing out drinks. However, Joanne said she would not wait for me at the airport if they arrested me for impersonating a flight attendant. I then thought I would put it on and sing Tommy Boy's infamous song...."fat guy in a little coat". But Joanne was not in support of that idea either. What are they going to do....arrest me?? She explained later that she was worried that the snobby flight attendant would not find my stunt funny and would ultimately hurt my feelings by saying something mean. Whatever Jo!! ;) So that didn't happen either.

While in Vancouver, I found the most amazing sneakers on Robson Street. I told the shoe sales lady that I thought they would be great at work. The sales lady was horrified and said I could NOT wear my shoes to work specially if I was wearing dress pants. I explained to her that I thought it would look good. She told me that my boss probably wouldn't like it. I told her that I was the boss and I can wear whatever the hell I want! (snicker)

I love sneakers. I think I am going to buy a pair for every day of the week. And I will have you know that I wore them to work today....with dress pants. And yes!!! I met with clients today. My sneakers didn't seem to bother them one bit. And my feet felt great. I could run up and down the stairs, skip and even jog across the icy street. I love sneakers. Besides, I feel good in them and no one is going to tell this chunky what she can and cannot where. (Look at the pics...you can see my awesome sneaks!!) You can also see how my shirt is gaping open because they don't make button up shirts for women who have boobs! Thank you Mexx!!! Get some models with boobs...some of us have them you know!

This Saturday is Christmas at my Mom's house. Thank you God that our meal is on a cheat day. My Mom has baked chocolate chip cookies for me!!! Woooo!!! And all these years I thought she didn't love me. I was so wrong. There is nothing better than homemade chocolate chip oatmeal cookies. And oh yes....they must have oatmeal in them in order for me to eat them. I can't wait. I also can't believe that I am more excited about cookies than the turkey.

On a more serious note, after school today, Jael asked me if they really do put dead people in boxes in the ground. She thinks it's weird. She is right into the Christmas spirit alright! I have no idea where that came from but I do have to agree...it is kind of weird. She also told me in the next sentence that we cannot have a fire in the fireplace on Christmas Eve because Santa will burn his butt. This is coming from the child who told me that Santa wasn't real only a week ago. What I want to know is why I am only finding this out now? Santa isn't real? WTH? Who the heck has been eating all of my cookies all these years? No! I am quite serious!! I want my cookies back!! RIGHT NOW!

Regardless, Santa is not a good example for my kids. He is over weight, he has poor fashion sense (he's been wearing the same outfit since I was a kid), he is hard on the reindeer (but I guess he is trying to be green), he lives on cookies and he supports elf labour. Tell me, does the North Pole have a gym? And if it does, does Santa ever use it? I think NOT!!

Personally, I like the grinch. Why? Because like him, I think I have a heart that is two sizes too small....I am not in the Christmas spirit this year. If I hear one more Christmas Carol in the store...I may snap and throw christmas oranges at the FAKE Santa who has been eating all of my amazing cookies all these years. And yesterday in Ikea, the Christmas Carol that was sung slightly faster than normal actually made Joanne unpack her cart faster. The song was super annoying...but watching Joanne was one of the funniest things I have ever seen in Ikea. Of course, I sobered right up after the cashier told me what my total came too. ANYWAYS, there is still hope because the Grinch's hear grew...maybe mine can too. I wonder how much weight I will gain when my heart grows? Dammit! Everything is always so complicated. I can't even grow my heart without gaining weight!

After all this cookie talk...the only thing that is going through my head is Cookie Monster's "C" is for cookie song! HEY! Sesame Street has contributed to my weight problem too. Darn you Sesame Street and Barbie!! That's it! I'm calling my lawyer. Right after I get home from the gym.

Happy Fat Monster Head Hunting!! This year will be the first Christmas that I don't gain weight over the Christmas Season. Cheers to that!!!

Andy :)

Joanne is wrapping me knee so that we can shop. Lovely shopping on Robson with a fat knee!

Chocolate Buffet...mmmmmm!

Me...after the chocolate buffet.

Super creepy waitress at Red Robins...yup...she was real...the talking, breathing, heart beating type. Just super duper creepy!!

Day 69

We have not had internet access since Calgary airport. Of course, our five-star hotel had it however, it was $15.95 plus HST per night per device. We are far to thrifty for that! It is 11:35 pm and I am slipping into a deep sleep. So, I will update you all on our adventures in Van very soon. Don't worry, I took a picture of the chocoholic buffet and Marga from Germany. You will see those tomorrow!! Right now, Joanne and I are on our laptops in a dark basement after an entire weekend with no internet access. Again, since I am falling asleep, I feel it would be wise to stop sharing with you now before something incriminating comes out of my mouth.

Farewell!!

Day 67: Locusts and Wild Honey

Brad and the girls are off to see Tangles and the Chronicles of Narnia in 3D. I can't help but be jealous as I love spontaneous road trips. However, it makes my heart happy to know that my girls are having a great day with their dad. Maybe Joane will go see Chronicles of Narnia with me...hmmm.

The plane ride last night was nothing but memorable. Bizarro John the Baptist was sitting in the seat ahead of us. The only thing that was missing was locusts and wild honey. His dreads of hair hung over the back of his headrest and invaded themselves into my space. I was irritated as I paid for the 6 inch radius of space around me and now some bug-infested dread lock was staring me in the face. Along with John was his side kick, Stinky. Stinky had an incredible case of BO and his aroma saturated all of the air space on the closed up, air tight jet. It took everything in my not to heave. I am not exaggerating in the least. It was so strong I could hardly concentrate on the book I was attempting to read.

I was beginning to feel irritated with the aroma when all of sudden something caught my attention. I wasn't sure if I was actually hearing what I thought I was hearing. My ears tuned in and I looked over at Joanne. Her ears noticed simultaneously with mine and out of her mouth came, "Is that a cat?!". That's exactly what it was. A cat was being extradited to BC in a crate on board MY plane. And this cat was not happy. And yup, you guessed it, the cat remained unhappy for the entire flight. Digging my nails into the arm rest beside me, I concentrated very hard on something peaceful in calm. However, when the drink cart passed I contemplated tearing an aluminum pop can in half and slitting the cats throat. Slowly. Waiting for it to bleed out.

I was starting to get cold as we had turned the air ducts up on high in hopes to "blow" the aroma from John and Stinky. Joanne jumped up to grab my coat and carefully lowered it to me so as not to contaminate it with Stinky's uncombed hair. Don't get me wrong. I have absolutely nothing against hippies...it's just that I couldn't breathe. Anyways, pulling my hood over my face to drown out the noise of the cat and the overwhelming stench...a woman across the aisle began shushing her baby loudly. I don't know why she was shushing as I could NOT see a baby nor could I hear one crying. And I don't mean soft subtle shushing...I mean shushing that sounded like a river. And lot's of it. A big raging river.

Trying to block out the circus that surrounded us, I drifted off to sleep. Joanne was irritated as well as it was now 1 a.m. our time and the people on the plane...all of them...every single one of them were having candid conversations at an incredibly high volume. I am now asleep. I slept for approximately two minutes when I woke to the sound of the Bizarro John the Baptist and Stinky serenading the occupants of the plane. And worse yet, in those 2 short moments of napping, the plane began to ascend and my left ear was completely plugged. So to the sound of Come by Yah, I was now flirting with the idea of standing up and screaming STOP! But I was far too tired and my ear hurt. Looking at Joanne, I now knew she was as angry as I was. Is this some kind of foreshadowing for how the weekend will play out.

I thought nah, it's just the plane ride. However, when we arrived in our room at 2:30 a.m, I leaped on to my bed and leaned against the headboard. Of course, my series of unfortunate events had not ceased. Can this really be happening in my 5 star hotel? Dear God. It is definitely happening. I called to Joanne and she came out of the bathroom wondering what was wrong. I asked her to listen. She tipped her head back and started to laugh. "There's nothing wrong with people having sex, Andrea". That's right. My headboard was a rocking as someone was having a lot of fun on the other side of the wall. At that point I decided I was going to sleep.

We are off to have lunch now with one of our suppliers. We will eat healthy. We will shop. We will not bow our knees to the lure of chocolate, Crave Cupcakes or the sweet aroma of West Coast cuisine. Slaying the fat monster one day at a time....on the West Coast. Happy Friday!!

Sincerely,
Chunky

Day 66

66 days and counting!! First of all, I need to put you all at ease. Everything in regards to my business and career are stable so stop worrying. Secondly, I am only in the valley of decision as opportunities knock...and they always do. The question is...which ones do we take and which ones do we leave alone.

Right now I am listening to the constant drone of the dot matrix printers that are on over drive. AHHH! And of course, the physiotherapy student sitting next to me is telling me all about her bad knee, her surgery and well....I don't actually know as I am trying to blog and I am nodding and smiling and pretending to listen. I hope she isn't saying anything serious. Maybe when she realizes that I am not listening to her at all and that I am completely detached from the conversation and she will stop talking. And NO, I don't really care that your thigh is concave from some kind of surgery you had in Alberta because you are so athletic. And honestly, do you think I care so much that in the midst of all the busyness I want to hear more chatter. I can't even pretend to be interested anymore. Why are you talking to me?! Is there some sort of magnetic field that is drawing you to me? You tell me...what the heck is the deal?? And honestly, the announcer that sounds like a fairy princess from Disney World is getting on my nerves. Like seriously...did you take caffeine pills....and suck helium? Your voice is seriously annoying.

What is it about today? Do I have a "crazy" magnet in me? Everywhere Jo and I have been....all the crazies are talking to us and telling us their life stories. The waiter, the crazy Starbucks chick and the studious student in the green arm chair a stone's throw away from me. I am just not going to look anybody in the eye. I had to look away from the waiter...he wouldn't stop talking. And then he offered to lick up the beverage he dripped on the table...followed by an offer to give us a hug because he forgot to bring the beverage. Like...are you for real, buddy?

And now Jo is commentating her every move. And I am sitting here laughing ridiculously because Jo always makes fun of me for commentating and talking to myself while I work. And YES...we are working right now. Well, that's all you can do when you are waiting for transportation. Okay...I am blogging...and Jo is working.

Joanne has called me Scrooge as every announcement, ringing bell and rattling noise is making me very grumpy. I simply asked her where the frigging jingle bells noise was coming from. Turns out it's just some rattling decorative planes that are spinning round and round. I can't concentrate with all the racket. Can everybody just SHUT UP! Okay fine...I have griped and complained about every noise, announcement, bubbly worker that has passed by me. But it's past my bedtime and sometimes I just don't like people or being around them.

Anyways, on our way here...I read to Joanne. A friend of mine sent me a book that she wrote and well, being the nerd that I am, I had to read it. Joanne wanted me to read it to her (because she was driving)...so I did. It is a great book. All about the ups and downs of finding Mr. Right. It's a compilation of stories from women all over the country...the good, the bad and the ugly of dating. After reading some of the most hilarious experiences of women and men...we read some "sappy, mushy, over the top make me throw up in my mouth" stories. Some women are so stupid. They have this fairy tale idea of what marriage and love is. And I sure as heck am not going to listen to a 23 year old child tell me about true love. And yes, Joanne had to pull over so that I could throw up. The sappy mush was so thick that my stomach erupted. There is no such thing as Prince Charming!! I think Jo and I are going to write a book called, "Women Are So Stupid". And in it will be all the stories of stupid things women do all for the sake of a guy. Come on people!! We are not desperate here!!

I did not go to the gym today. My knee is not good and I have been ordered to keep weight off of it. No kneeling, no running, no nothing. How the heck am I going to shop and keep weight off of it. Ah!! And it's back to the physiotherapist on Monday. I did however eat according to my plan as I will not let a bad knee stop me from slaying the fat monster. It's so typical, just when I am doing great....boom....knee injury. But my PT assures me that if I listen to him that it will get better and I will be on my way again. And if I don't listen to him...I am basically screwed. Ahhh!

I think I am grumpy. I want a cookie.

Day 65: Part II

So...I am completely exhausted. However, I have much to share with you. It's a crazy roller coaster I ride some days. Sometimes you're up...sometimes you're down...sometimes your head is just spinning all around....that's me today!! And no, I did not go to the gym today. My knee is aching and I cannot keep my eyes open. And just fyi...Popeye lied when he said spinach makes you strong because I just had some for dinner and well...I am just as weak as ever. So, I am going to watch Dragon's Den...yes, I am actually watching tv. Something I never do. But today, I just can't do anything else. Dragon's Den and then bed.

Cheers!!

Day 65: Part I

My weight as of today is 157.5 lbs! Wooooo!!! I am pretty happy...I am just that much closer to my goal. I will have more for you later today. Since I have not slept since 2 a.m., I figure I will get some work done. Kraziness!!! I know!! I am never drinking a diet Pepsi before bed again. Yikes!!

Happy Wednesday to you!!! :)

PS- don't!

Don’t sleep in. Don’t pull your gym clothes out of the dryer before the buzzer goes because you are running late. Don’t pack your slightly damp gym clothes in your gym bag. Don’t leave your gym bag with your slightly damp gym clothes in the car when it’s -17 outside. Don’t work an extra long day without taking breaks while drinking 4 L of water. Don’t try to run to your car with a bad knee and legs that have retained water because you haven’t moved from your desk all freakin’ day. Don’t run down stairs with legs that feel like tree stumps. Don’t pull your stiff frozen gym clothes out of your gym bag minutes before your work out. Don’t put slightly frozen gym clothes on your warm body. Don't forget to warm up with stretches. Don’t work out on a bad knee with slightly frozen gym clothes. Don’t disobey your Physiotherapist. Don’t talk about a career change late at night with your husband when you are both exhausted. Don’t do laundry until 11:43 pm after you have worn frozen gym clothes and participated in a passionate discussion regarding your future while lugging around tree stump legs. Don’t drink a diet pepsi right before bed. Don’t take gravol and then try and blog. Don’t hold a pen in your mouth and drool all over your chin while trying to blog. I'm not saying I did any of these things...I just thought of some things I may or may not have done that I think is best to avoid. I have to pee now...and it’s off to bed.

Night!!!

(Okay fine!!! I did all these things! So take it from me...don't do it!!)

Day 64: The death of innocence...

The Physiotherapist's Report: Apparently, I have acute tendonitis in my right knee. Nothing life threatening...but definitely something that discourages running. My PT assures me it is fix-able. He also tells me that I need to take it easy for the next week. No running!! Ahhh!!! I am tempted to run on it anyways. And since he reads my blog, I am sure I will hear from him as soon as he reads this post!! Since I will be training for a marathon in June...I need to be running...a lot! And not a krazy marathon...a 10k marathon. That's achievable...right. So that means weight training 3 days per week and running the rest...with the exception of cheat day. My lungs are already burning....

Run run run...as fast as you can....mmmm...that just makes me want to eat a cookie...or it makes me think of the "runs". Not really what I was going for. Speaking of the "runs", I discovered this little jewel in Wal-mart almost two years ago. It is sometimes hard to find. But I tell you, it has made my life a whole lot easier. Since I drink 4 Litres of water per day, my bowels and bladder have really responded to it. Know what I'm sayin' foo? Anyways, I am in no way endorsing products but I can't help but tell you this little secret. It is a small blue bottle that completely eliminates any and all odors. That means, you can go...and not worry about leaving any evidence (the odor) of going. You can go anywhere and anytime...and no one will know. It's one of the best things ever and should be in every girl's "transform your life" kit. Trust me, if you start drinking 4 L of water per day...you will very quickly discover that nothing sticks to your insides anymore. And instead of lighting a match (which announces to the world that you've gone #2) you can use just a drop from this little blue bottle. Did I mention it fights nicely into a purse? (....these are a few of my favorite things.....rain drops on roses and whiskers on kittens....{I can't seem to get just a drop to rhyme with anything so the Sound of Music will have to do})

In regards to my career...well, it is still up in the air. Opportunity knocks...and right now it is knocking very loudly. To be honest, I may be on the edge or at least the doorway to one of my dreams. You know...one of those things on my bucket list. YES! I have a bucket list. Doesn't everybody? They say that we should write our goals down...on paper. Well....I am a complete nerd when it comes to those things and if you searched my desk you will find a recipe box full of index cards. On these index cards are my ideas....thoughts....dreams....notes about people (what they like, how they receive love...)....in fact, that little black box is basically the card catalogue of my mind. I don't recommend you delve into it as some go in...and never come out. (They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa!! They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa).

One of my dreams on my bucket list is to run a marathon. This is something I have only ever dreamed about....and now I am going to do it. What a grand day it will be when I cross that one off my list. Bigger busted women are not typically runners and it is certainly more challenging when you have a set of jugs getting in the way. Just try it. Try running without a bra on...that's how big busted women feel all the time. I think a couple of times I've even given myself a black eye or two.

Back to childhood again!! Yup...that cursed Barbie had more of an impact on me than I realized. She could run....and she could to it without even bending her knees. And her "girls" weren't moving anywhere. I despise Barbie and her long legs and perfect 'c' cup bust and her teeny tiny little waste. Come to think of it...I just recently released some childhood guilt about Barbie. When I played with Barbie...well...Ken and Barbie...they had a little bit of fun if you know what I mean. And it is only recently that I have learned that all my friends did the same thing with their Ken and Barbie. Why is it that we are only talking about Ken and Barbie's sex life now? In my Barbie house...well...they were very healthy. Here I thought it was my dirty little secret. And now Joanne tells me she did the same thing and so did everybody else. OMG!! What has Mattel got to say about that?? Porn Barbie...the downfall of generation x. I can't worry about it too much as the kids these days don't play with dolls anymore...they have video games...they have the Sims. And my daughter loves them. Of course, I had to ask her if the game was "appropriate". She assured me that there was no "sexing" in it. Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Sexing?? Playground talk...ack...spit...my innocent little baby girl knows what 'sexing' is......(a single tear rolls down my cheek). Life as I know it...is over. For I know what goes on in the minds of little girls....God..help me....I have witnessed the death of innocence.

Anyways...enough drama ..... my career...it weighs in the balance. And since I seem to have a habit of living on the edge...I am swayed in a certain direction. Stay tuned! I will keep you posted on the progress. In fact, I will arrive at a decision next week. I can't seem to wipe the smile off my face.... Yikes. Adrenaline junky to the core! Not the kind you think I am...not the daredevil...look death in the eye kind.........well...I kind of am. (snicker)

At this moment...I need the gym!!!!!!

Day 63:

My three month comittment is coming to an end. Three weeks away to the end of my first quarter. And with my trainer, I have now set my second goal. I am happily terrified about it and yet I am afraid to tell you (because that means I will have to do it). Okay...here it is....I will be training for a marathon in June. YIKES!! A chunky monkey cannot run a marathon. How the heck is that going to work? My trainer also told me I would have to be really really committed to eating clean. I didn't think it got much worse than this!! How do I eat more clean than I already am?? If I ever see another an of flavored tuna...IT WILL BE TOO SOON.

And to make matters worse...today I'm sporting a knee injury. Last Wednesday, I turned a little while doing squats and strained it. I treated it kindly on the weekend and the inflammation and swelling was completely gone by Sunday. So, it was just a tiny bit sore...so I figured it was safe and I ran on it. Apparently, that was a bad idea as today I am off to see the physiotherapist and it is really sore again. Live and learn I guess.

So, I have not gone to the gym today as of yet. I want to hear what the PT has to say. He already chastised me for running on my injured knee before he could assess it. Gosh....I am sure it is not very serious as I walk on it just fine. Perhaps, it is just a sign of age. Gawd! Did I say that out loud?? He also told me hat I should elevate it, wrap it and ice it on the weekend. I am ashamed to admit...I didn't do any of that. I just didn't run on it. I can't be at the Canada Cup and hobble around with a tensor bandage and a bag of ice. No fun!! Besides, it would be much easier to do that if I actually looked like an athlete. Until I achieve athlete status...there will be no "nursing wounds".

Anyways, I am off to see the PT. Gosh...I hope this is not one more hurdle for the chunky monkey to leap over....my legs are getting tired. And yes, I know walls are there to be climbed...but I am tired of climbing walls. I want to live on "easy street" for a while.

And besides, I have questioned my entire career today. I see big changes in my future. Stay tuned.

Sincerely,
Chunky Monkey