Brad and the girls are off to see Tangles and the Chronicles of Narnia in 3D. I can't help but be jealous as I love spontaneous road trips. However, it makes my heart happy to know that my girls are having a great day with their dad. Maybe Joane will go see Chronicles of Narnia with me...hmmm.
The plane ride last night was nothing but memorable. Bizarro John the Baptist was sitting in the seat ahead of us. The only thing that was missing was locusts and wild honey. His dreads of hair hung over the back of his headrest and invaded themselves into my space. I was irritated as I paid for the 6 inch radius of space around me and now some bug-infested dread lock was staring me in the face. Along with John was his side kick, Stinky. Stinky had an incredible case of BO and his aroma saturated all of the air space on the closed up, air tight jet. It took everything in my not to heave. I am not exaggerating in the least. It was so strong I could hardly concentrate on the book I was attempting to read.
I was beginning to feel irritated with the aroma when all of sudden something caught my attention. I wasn't sure if I was actually hearing what I thought I was hearing. My ears tuned in and I looked over at Joanne. Her ears noticed simultaneously with mine and out of her mouth came, "Is that a cat?!". That's exactly what it was. A cat was being extradited to BC in a crate on board MY plane. And this cat was not happy. And yup, you guessed it, the cat remained unhappy for the entire flight. Digging my nails into the arm rest beside me, I concentrated very hard on something peaceful in calm. However, when the drink cart passed I contemplated tearing an aluminum pop can in half and slitting the cats throat. Slowly. Waiting for it to bleed out.
I was starting to get cold as we had turned the air ducts up on high in hopes to "blow" the aroma from John and Stinky. Joanne jumped up to grab my coat and carefully lowered it to me so as not to contaminate it with Stinky's uncombed hair. Don't get me wrong. I have absolutely nothing against hippies...it's just that I couldn't breathe. Anyways, pulling my hood over my face to drown out the noise of the cat and the overwhelming stench...a woman across the aisle began shushing her baby loudly. I don't know why she was shushing as I could NOT see a baby nor could I hear one crying. And I don't mean soft subtle shushing...I mean shushing that sounded like a river. And lot's of it. A big raging river.
Trying to block out the circus that surrounded us, I drifted off to sleep. Joanne was irritated as well as it was now 1 a.m. our time and the people on the plane...all of them...every single one of them were having candid conversations at an incredibly high volume. I am now asleep. I slept for approximately two minutes when I woke to the sound of the Bizarro John the Baptist and Stinky serenading the occupants of the plane. And worse yet, in those 2 short moments of napping, the plane began to ascend and my left ear was completely plugged. So to the sound of Come by Yah, I was now flirting with the idea of standing up and screaming STOP! But I was far too tired and my ear hurt. Looking at Joanne, I now knew she was as angry as I was. Is this some kind of foreshadowing for how the weekend will play out.
I thought nah, it's just the plane ride. However, when we arrived in our room at 2:30 a.m, I leaped on to my bed and leaned against the headboard. Of course, my series of unfortunate events had not ceased. Can this really be happening in my 5 star hotel? Dear God. It is definitely happening. I called to Joanne and she came out of the bathroom wondering what was wrong. I asked her to listen. She tipped her head back and started to laugh. "There's nothing wrong with people having sex, Andrea". That's right. My headboard was a rocking as someone was having a lot of fun on the other side of the wall. At that point I decided I was going to sleep.
We are off to have lunch now with one of our suppliers. We will eat healthy. We will shop. We will not bow our knees to the lure of chocolate, Crave Cupcakes or the sweet aroma of West Coast cuisine. Slaying the fat monster one day at a time....on the West Coast. Happy Friday!!
Sincerely,
Chunky
No comments:
Post a Comment