Day 73- Christmas-ish

It all started when I shook the hand of the CEO of an accounting firm this morning. No, not the one I sleep with....a different one. As I extended my hand, it caught his scarf and we shook with a scarf between our hands. It was weird. Neither one of us said a thing however, we were both aware that his scarf was between our hands. What do you do when something like that happens? We did nothing. It was totally and utterly comical...and yet weird...all at the same time. I've never shaked, with scarf between our palms...I guess there is a first time for everything.

Then as he was explaining some things to me, my ear caught a song that was playing on the radio. I actually think it is so cheesy when couples have a "song". When people say, "oh..that's our song" and then drift off into another world that is full of fantasy (for that is exactly what it is), I think it is ridiculous and juvenile. What is this 1969 and we are on a back road in Saskatchewan? Do you sit in the middle seat of his half ton, honey? Oh and you probably wear his washed up "football" jacket too?......However, the song that caught my ear this morning was.....ummmm....ya.....our song...kind of. (blush) And I was trying to pay attention to the person who was speaking to me. Alas, I could not. I don't even know what he said until the song finished. It was definitely problematic. I can't help but wonder if he realized I drifted off....

I think it is because I am distracted. I am really bothered that I can't seem to feel Christmas. What does Christmas feel like anyways? In years past, Christmas was a time to gorge ourselves on food. It is the epitome of gluttony. It is eating yourself into a coma. And the best way to "feel" Christmas was to run my hand down my stomach and feel the food baby that was inside. This year...I am going to do that....just on one day.

The following is an actual email from my mom outlining our Christmas Dinner Dessert Menu:

This is the dessert menu:
Chocolate chip cookies
Spice Cookies
Butter tarts
Home-made Oreo cookies
Rice Krispie Cake
Home made cinnamon rolls
Raspberry Trifle

Are ya hungry yet?????

Thank God we are going to her house on cheat day!!

Since I no longer have parties in my mouth, nor do I find comfort in food...I can't seem to get into the Christmas spirit. I can't seem to find the "feeling" of Christmas. I now know how Cindy Lou Hoo felt when she sang..."Where are you Christmas...". Right now, I am willing to try anything to get "that feeling". I am singing that song now. In my office. All alone. Crying. Okay...not crying...but definitely....seriously....solemn.

In an attempt to feel Christmas-ish, I suggested that Jo and I go for Christmas lunch. She tells me that I will use any excuse to have a "Christmas" celebration. That may be true however, my attempt at feeling festive was destroyed by the toilet paper in the restaurant's bathroom.

Yeah...I know...another rant. But I can't help it. I really despise and loathe entirely shitty toilet paper. Okay...not toilet paper that is actually....ummm...soiled....but toilet paper that is so frail and transparent that it does not even have the strength to turn the roll on which it rests on without breaking. It has got to be one of the most frustrating experiences in the world to be forced to use toilet paper that I can actually see through. And of course, I never discover this until after I have pee'd. So, there I am trying to hover over a toilet seat, unravel a roll of toilet paper that keeps breaking, reach up into the toilet paper holder trying to find the end...and getting nothing but a BIT of paper. And so after fighting with the roll, instead of having a single strand....I have 49 small pieces. I actually shook the toilet paper holder and grumbled in complete and utter frustration. And now, because I have been struggling so long...I have virtually drip dried, have a handful of multiple pieces of less than mediocre toilet paper in my hand and my legs are ready to give out because it has taken literally 10 minutes to do something that usually takes only two. And NO, I do not need very much toilet paper. Just enough to prevent having a silver dollar in my underwear. I just want a single strand that actually absorbs. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? IS IT?? Merry friggin' Christmas to you Mr. restaurant owner!!

So after using the bathroom I returned to the table with Joanne. Joanne asked me 2x if I was okay. "Are you listening or are you off.... far away?" I was present in body. Not so present in spirit or actually even listening, however today I was just plain hungry. Probably because I had expended every ounce of my energy fighting with the toilet paper! And I am very upset that the Christmas spirit was not going to be found at lunch because I beat the heck out of the toilet paper roll. And now I am having trouble paying attention because along with the fact that I have ADD, sensory issues and I am as excitable as a high spirited mare....my stomach is eating itself. Bring me my chicken! I don't care if the chicken is not dead yet...I will take care of that....I am hungry...right....now! That is all I can think about. After I eat, I am a way better person. Full of life, energy and chicken! Joanne says I'm like Dr. Jekly and Mr. Hyde when I'm hungry. She thinks I get grumpy when I'm hungry. I think she even called me a child. LOL!! She is so right!!

Still desperate to feel Christmas some place other than my stomach, I asked our waitress, "What does Christmas feel like to you?". She didn't really have an answer. In fact, she looked at me like I was crazy (she is so right). But since my tummy was now full, I felt full of life and ready to rock. (This is the Hyde and Jekyl thing again). I told her..."Christmas to me is wrapping presents by a crackling fire. Having a good friend by my side while sharing a nice hot cup of cocoa with a touch of Baileys while listening to cheesy Christmas carols." I guess I am not that crazy because the waitress wants to come wrap presents with me....lol...I guess she wasn't feeling "Christmas-ish" either. That or she is an alcoholic. I'm not really sure.

I will make one more final attempt at "feeling" Christmas today. I will first go to the gym. Then I am going to do something crazy. Yikes....I hope I am brave enough. I will be sure to take a picture and tell you all about it tomorrow. Wish me luck!!

Andy :)

PS- Please help me raise money for Room to Read by sending me a pair of size 8 sneakers from your home province/state. For each pair of sneakers I receive, I will donate $100 to Room to Read. (For the sake of the law and my marriage, I've capped it at $5000 and have a deadline of January 31, 2011). Thank you for your help!!!!

PPS- If I receive more than 50 pairs of shoes, I will auction them off and all proceeds will go to Room to Read!!