Day 91: BBB

Finding a new dream. Focussing on my shortcomings and working at improving them. A clean start. A new year. Off the wagon...on again. Off again....On..........and off again. NO......ON!!!! This is the year. This is the year for good things, good times and great accomplishments. Personal victories....and breakthrough in every way imaginable. Let my cup runneth over with good things!!!

The art of weight-loss takes more than a couple days at the gym and a reduction in calories. Being a true chunky monkey: fat monster slayer requires dazzling sword play, an adventurous plot and a fair share of heros and villains. The heros being our trainers, core exercises and fat free mayo and our villains being chocolate chip oatmeal cookies, wine and the cream in my decaf coffee. Gawd...I need my own personal Robin Hood or Captain Jack Sparrow to help me out in my fight against fat. A hero who is resilient and agile. One who is capable of inflicting grievous piercing wounds in the fat monster herself. That's it!!! I need my own swashbuckler. Ha!! I am my own swashbuckler!!! On guard, cookies of oatmeal and chips of chocolate!!

The routine, the food and the drone of "back to they gym" is so completely banal. However, it is good to bet back to the basics. Back to the basics...what the heck am I talking about? I am starting a whole new routine. I am running. Oh gawd...my thighs are burning in anticipation. My stomach already feels like upchucking from over exertion. My body is already reacting to what it knows will be the death of the fat monster. I haven't even started yet and I am dreading all the time on the treadmill. It doesn't matter. New year...new start. Right? I gotta remember to drop off a check at my trainers house...I don't have the new routine yet, but I KNOW it's going to hurt!!

Right!! It's time to eliminate all distractions so that I can focus....all distractions in every sense of the word. Yup...packed up the last of the chocolate chip oatmeal cookies {myyy preeeciousss} and gave them to a friend to enjoy. Of course, I didn't expect her to enjoy them right in front of me. So after wiping the drool from my lip, I ate my carrots, snap peas and beef jerky. Yum!!! ANYWAYS, no more distractions. The last of the "junk food" has been eliminated. Do I have to tell you how I eliminated it? FINE! New Year's was harder on me than Christmas. But no worries fellow chunkies...I am back on the wagon. Back to eating clean. Back to the gym. When you fall off the truck...you just get back on again...right?!

We interrupt this blog post for a fast breaking news story. If Brad thinks the "vampire girl" is hot and sexy, then I am going to sink my teeth into my own arm and suck my own blood {cuz I can't reach my neck}. Dude, she has fangs...there is nothing sexy about that. It's creepy. It's weird. Crazy...coo coo...crazy for cocoa puffs. OMG...you messed up your first season on the Bachelor, went crazy, did some soul searching....you are back for another season.....all for what....to tell us that the vampire was hot. I don't know if I can lower myself this low only to watch you fall for a freaking vampire girl. Have you not read Twighlight?? Vampires are dangerous!! Oh...but you know I will watch. It's like pushing a bruise or staring at ugly naked people...you know you don't want to...you know you shouldn't...... but you just can't stop. Did she get a rose...I fell asleep....tell me...did Vampire Girl get a rose??? And OMG....I hope you find your happiness....what is wrong with you people??? Excuse me, I just choked on the cheezball lines you are stuffing down the bachelor's throat. AHHHH!!! I am going to write that book....oh yeah...I totally am....."Girls are stupid". And it's sequal....."Boys are Dumb" and thus the reason why love is on again....off again....where the heck are we....what are we doing...oh...we are on. No off. Nope...we are on! And it's no friggin' fairy tale. AHH!! If you have to go on a TELEVISION SHOW to get married. You are dumb. All of you. Rant Over. (And yet, I can't stop watching it. And as Jo says, "it's like watching a car accident...you just have to look").

Now for our regularly scheduled broadcast...So in the spirit of the new year...and I don't know what possessed me to do this...but nonetheless...I decided to look up chunky monkey in the urban dictionary...and here's what it said...

1. noun: the object of a chubby chaser's affection.

2. a magically delicious Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream flavor.

3. a more polite desription of someone who is rather obese

4. an abnormally large turd.

So now I wonder...was chunky monkey the right description for myself and this blog. Oh yeah baby...it sure is. But soon, I will be the bbb monkey. And if you don't know what that means, then you need to watch the SNL skit with Vera De Milo starring Jim Carey. I hope I look better than her at the end of this....! Boom baby!

Happy chunking tomorrow!!!!

Andy