Day 27

They say that when running...runners will "hit the wall". It is that moment when extreme fatigue and exhaustion set in and you feel like you can't advance one more step. But pressing through the wall actually creates a little spurt of energy and carries you to your next check point. I HIT the metaphorical wall today. So much that I sat crying in my kitchen. Holy mackeral...I am losing it.

(Insert curse words) Yes, that is exactly how I felt this morning. I am waiting to hear back from my trainer. As you can probably guess, the scale haled bad tidings of great sadness. And the only word that came to mind...well...I actually can't say it. But it was the Mother of all swear words. The big one. And it is the only one that can accurately express exactly what I was feeling when my eyes looked upon the cursed scale. And oh it would have felt good to say...five or six times. Because my 8 year old was a stone's throw away and definitely in ear shot...I decided shouting LIAR! was more appropriate. (That and fudge, fudge, fudge, fudge inside my head...because it's cheat day and I love chocolate)

Of course, I was instantly angry. I have followed this diet to a T and I have worked out hard. I wonder why I am not seeing the scale change. After the anger passed, moments later...if you can believe this.....the tears began. Ahhh! It seems silly to cry about something so trivial. But there I sat, tears pouring down my cheeks. My family completely oblivious to my heartache. So typical. There the wife sits in a pool of tears while the children play and the old man heads outside to "play" with his car. And she is left with the reality that "she is not the fairest of them all". She isn't even the fairest of a few of them. No one can explain the psyche of a woman in the heighth of her frustration and emotional reaction all the while entertaining that wonderful relative, Aunt Flo.

My weight has always been a source of frustration for me. My self-esteem and just how I feel about me really sucks sometimes. And how I was feeling at the moment...the moment we all dread...the moment at weigh in... was not good. Why work so hard and eat so clean only to see.....nothing change. Let's be honest here...my body has changed. But the scale....oh how I hate thee foul creature of my bathroom. If malice or envy were tangible and had a shape, it would be the shape of a bathroom scale. There is no other object in the house capable of creating such sorrow inside the heart of a woman. The refridgerator...well...it may bring some happiness but that feeling is only temporal. And even the odd glass of a dazzling red wine...ahh yes...the taste of happiness in a glass...and even that happiness comes to an end. Happiness...a state of mind that should not be dependant on circumstance but is so easily affected by them.

I sent a frantic email to my trainer expressing my sorrow. I told her I was ready to quit. I was done. I'm out. But after thinking about it...I decided I wouldn't give up just yet. I spent the rest of the day cleaning with my 8 year old. It was a great day. I had so much fun teaching her how to organize and dust and purge. What a glorious feeling it is to purge. And she especially enjoyed going through all my jewelry and acquiring some new pieces for her own collection. I have to say....LOVE TANK= FULL. And she thought it was fun too so we both had a great time. After that, I found the courage to put my gym gear on and face the gym once more. As I rocked out to my cheezy 80's workout music....I whipped my chest and biceps into shape. So much that I had trouble opening the gym door after....my biceps are still trying to figure out what happened to them. Pretty soon....I can get you all a couple of tickets to the gun show....(flexing biceps). Yeah ba-bay!

So besides having a scrap with my lovah and being thouroughly exhausted from cheat day and my weight sorrow....I will lament no more. I will wipe the tears from eyes and try again tomorrow. Tomorrow is rest day...hehehehe. But back to eating clean. The transformation of a person is not easy and it affects the one's closest to us. I am expecting a new me after all this is said and done. A better me. A hawt mamma-me. And I know I will conquer this mountain. A friend who follows this blog emailed me tonight and encouraged me and explained some things to me and well....I am feeling a lot better. Thank you MK!! And really, thank you for following my progress. You keep me accountable. So, thank you bloggosphere!!

Goodnight...sweet dreams...filled with goodies, wine, delectable delights and everything that activates your palette.

PS- I love Jane Fonda...she is my fitness idol. I'm gonna get me a mean pair of wrist bands and a nasty headband....snicker. oooh and leg warmers...I must not forget those. Just picture me in a headband, wristbands, leg warmers and a body suit.....BAH HA HA HA HAA...I think I would be banned from Bodyfit for being "So 1980". That and looking like a hippo in a tutu or is it a moomoo....anyways....not good...the visual...not goooood at all....LOL!