And don't forget about those cursed mirrors that are everywhere in the change room. So even if someone's back is to me, they can spy on me using the mirror. I see their eyes come my way. And when they notice that I am noticing them...they look away quickly as if I didn't see them 'peeping'. And yet no one says anything...we just walk away and act like she didn't see me in my birthday suit. I mean I don't understand it?! I don't watch women change. Isn't there an unwritten rule that says you look away or at the floor...any where where they are not. And you most certainly don't sneak a peek. And tell me this...why the heck are there so many mirrors in the locker room anyways?? It's not like we are lifting weights in there and looking at how good our muscles look in the mirror. Oh come on now, don't kid yourselves. That's what goes in the gym. Those mirrors are not just there to ensure we have the proper form...they are there for the sake of vanity. We all do it.....oh yeah...look at those biceps....BOOM baby!!
Yesterday, as I entered into the locker room I prepared myself for the worst. I never know who will be in there, who will be changing or who will be talking to me while I am changing. That part creeps me out. I don't like changing with an audience. I do it. But I don't like it. In fact, depending on who is in the locker room at the time I need to change into my gym clothes, the entire process can become quite complicated. If it is someone I know really well...hmmm...that seems to make it more difficult for me. Why? Because I don't want anyone to see me naked when I have to see them on a regular basis. I don't like the idea of them knowing what I look like under my clothes. There is just something wrong with that.
So yesterday, as I entered the locker room I was followed by a woman. This woman is a colleague and client of mine. Because of our 'professional' relationship I was in no way going to change in front of her. I hate putting my sports bra on because it is awkward and snug. It has to be snug in order to do the 'job', however because it is snug it is a really interesting process. It's not pretty to watch me put it on. Trust me. There is no clasp so I have to slide it over my head and down my front. If you use your imagination for one moment, I am sure you can imagine what happens and what that could look like. It's nasty. In fact, it's so nasty that I don't even put it back on after I am done tanning. That's right! I leave the gym bra-less. Bra-less in Bodyfit. But nobody knows!! I have a winter coat on...so you can't even tell what I am or am not wearing.
So, yesterday in the locker room....I slowly unpacked my gym clothes. As I unpacked my gym clothes one piece at a time, my client started to talk to me. I unfolded each piece of clothing...first my shirt, then my pants...then my bra. I laid them out in a way that I could slip into them quickly in as little time as possible, revealing as little flesh as possible. She was still talking to me. She was actually standing at the bathroom stall facing me and talking...talking...talking. I was working hard at stalling without her realizing I was stalling. After all, I don't want her to know I am self-conscious. (As if she didn't know what was going on. I was being all stealth but I am sure it was obvious to her. That's probably why she was taking her time...because she knew I was suffering and she made a little game out of it. That's right, she was 'yanking my chain' and loving it!) Hell will freeze over before I change in front of her skinny little butt. I slowly slipped off each sock and replaced it with my gym sock. Socks are safe. No nakedness there. She was still talking though. AHH...go into the stall and pee already...because the moment you close the door and I hear the latch click...I am going to do my best to rip off every piece of clothing and replace it with my gym clothes before YOU are done peeing. Oh yes...it is a clothing frenzy. Clothes fly everywhere. Oh gawd! I hear the toilet paper roll. Is she done already? Hurry!! I hear the zip of her pants....NOOO!! In a very short moment, she will be unlatching the door and will witness me half dressed with clothes everywhere. And there it is...the sound of the latch. I quickly turn my back towards and continue my wrestling match with my bra. It's too late. The client sees my nakedeness. I kind of know how Adam and Eve felt...where the heck is a fig life to hide behind when I need one?
Don't get me wrong. I can do it. I can actually change and not care. However, the audience makes a huge difference in how I am feeling. Especially if the audience is young, hot and gorgeous. I'd much rather change in front of another chunky.
A short time ago, I remember getting a spray tan. I agreed to getting the spray tan done however, I insisted the owner of the spa do my spray tan. The receptionist asked me why. I told her that I wanted someone who had aged a little and who bore children. I didn't want an anorexic young beautiful super model coming any where near my naked body. Yup...when you get a spray tan, you stand there naked while the person airbrushes your entire body. And here's the kicker....if you are well endowed, they will actually lift up each one of your 'girls' to spray underneath so that there are no creases or white marks. That requires them to actually touch your boob with their hand, lift and then spray. OMG!!! I closed my eyes for the entire process as I believed if I didn't see her spraying my body, then it would be easier to convince myself that I wasn't standing naked in front of someone who is airbrushing my body. I asked her to airbrush a six pack on to my abs....but she felt that it wouldn't look authentic. What does she know?! ;)
Unfortunately, the spa owner (who is an amazing woman by the way), recognized my horrible self-esteem and made me open my eyes for 10 seconds and look into a mirror. Imagine that!!! Imagine looking into a full body mirror at your naked body while wearing just your knickers and speaking out a positive affirmation about yourself with someone else in the room with you. I can tell you that it was not my finest hour. (The only thing going through my head was....somebody please...pretty pretty please....kill meee.....I want to die.....put a bullet in my head...)
So, I guess that puts things into perspective. No one actually touches me at the gym. I can do it. I can change without shame. Oh good God...who am I trying to fool. Tomorrow I will change at home and skip the whole naked in front of audience part. That's gotta make the whole gym experience better right?
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