Day 39

A long time ago in a galaxy far far way, it is a period of civil war. Rebel calories, striking from a hidden cupboard, have won their first victory against the evil Chunky Monkey Empire. During the battle, Rebel calories managed to steal secret plans to sabotage the efforts of Andrea, aka, fat monster slayer. Pursued by sinister donuts, chocolate cake and brownies, the fat monster slayer races upon the treadmill with an eating plan that can save her body and restore freedom to wear a bikini for her and the generations after her...

One day at a time. Head down. Work hard. Ahhhh....the honeymoon period at the gym is over. The honeymoon with rice crackers and rice cakes has ceased. Now, I must learn to live peacefully with healthy food and working out. To walk through every day hand in hand with my trainer (metaphorically). I can no longer pay attention to the lusts of the flesh and indulge whenever I feel the urge. I must keep strong. I must keep courage and face the demons of my ancestors. (Okay...I don't want to be too dramatic...but I really am facing my family's demons.) I must slay the fat monster once and for all and my children's children can then taste freedom (which is not chocolate cake) and live peacefully for all their days. They will never know the pain, toils and horror of obesity. They will never be lured into the kitchen while they sleep...to graze in the pantry. They will be free....even my children's children.

So, I missed a day at the gym. Actually, I missed a whole 2 days at the gym...and here are my excuses....1. The gym in the hotel was absolutely disgusting. 2. I travelled the entire second day. Do I feel guilty...no...am I terrified of the results of the scale?? ABSOLUTELY. What news will it hail tomorrow....? If my DNA had not already predisposed me to obesity, I would not be so paranoid. However, coming from a family of chunkies, it is definitely something that weighs "heavy" (pun intended) on my heart. And since the plan that my trainer designed for me is merely a guide that has set limits on my unhealthy eating behaviors, I have no more excuses to justify my current state.

Fat Tat...that's what a guy in grade 6 used to call me. I don't know why he called me that as I was not yet chunky. However, it did do something to me that has trailed behind me for my entire life. And it was then that I noticed that other people had weight problems. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT I HAD NEVER NOTICED THERE WERE FAT PEOPLE BEFORE THAT??? I also had a night shirt that said, "I'm not fat, I'm just fluffy". Again, another defining moment in my life. These two moments are the "dark places" in my heart where I can immediately feel the pain and rejection all over again (if I let my mind go back there). In fact, these words impacted me so much that I saw "FAT" whenever I looked in the mirror. It's like I was looking through a cloudy looking glass at some inaccurate version of myself and never stopped seeing the fat little girl. Words are powerful and when used recklessly, they do some serious and long lasting damage. I can't help but wonder what words I have uttered to my own girls that have molded and shaped their self esteems in a negative way.

Someone the other day told me that they never realized I was fat. LOL!! Neither did I. According to my BMI one month ago...I was considered obese. Can you believe that?? I still fit in regular sizes but was categorized as FAT. That's right, 40% of me was fat. That means I was half fat. Half of me was fat. OMG!! Could it really be that bad? That's when truth rushes in like a flood and shows you what you really are. And at that point you honestly wonder if you are having a heart attack, a panic attack or just indigestion from the 2 pieces of chocolate cake you had for desert. However, truth mixed with some grace are the main ingredients to a lifestyle change....I think......

Even though in my head, an angry crowd throngs around me, shouting insults like fatty, thunder thighs, chunky, big girl and ugly...I turn a deaf ear to it. Long gone are the days that the fat monster rules....your days are numbered fat monster and you will soon taste defeat.

I'm going for coffee now....and I will have water...and I will love it. It will be better than a Venti Moccacino made with steamed milk, chocolate and sugar.....with extra whipped topping. Mmmmmm....I can almost taste it now....the water that is....I can almost taste the water.