Day 57

The horror of locker rooms has definitely become a reality. Much like my closet and the challenge of dressing daily, the locker room has become my personal black hole of emotion. Somedays I don't care...most days I do care. Okay...let's be honest...I care!! I absolutely detest changing in the locker room. For one, we are all so close together...I need six inches of personal space and sometimes I just don't get that. I don't like being naked next to another woman...I just don't. And no matter what you say to me or how many times I do it, I will never be comfortable in my birthday suit with observer's nearby.

And don't forget about those cursed mirrors that are everywhere in the change room. So even if someone's back is to me, they can spy on me using the mirror. I see their eyes come my way. And when they notice that I am noticing them...they look away quickly as if I didn't see them 'peeping'. And yet no one says anything...we just walk away and act like she didn't see me in my birthday suit. I mean I don't understand it?! I don't watch women change. Isn't there an unwritten rule that says you look away or at the floor...any where where they are not. And you most certainly don't sneak a peek. And tell me this...why the heck are there so many mirrors in the locker room anyways?? It's not like we are lifting weights in there and looking at how good our muscles look in the mirror. Oh come on now, don't kid yourselves. That's what goes in the gym. Those mirrors are not just there to ensure we have the proper form...they are there for the sake of vanity. We all do it.....oh yeah...look at those biceps....BOOM baby!!

Yesterday, as I entered into the locker room I prepared myself for the worst. I never know who will be in there, who will be changing or who will be talking to me while I am changing. That part creeps me out. I don't like changing with an audience. I do it. But I don't like it. In fact, depending on who is in the locker room at the time I need to change into my gym clothes, the entire process can become quite complicated. If it is someone I know really well...hmmm...that seems to make it more difficult for me. Why? Because I don't want anyone to see me naked when I have to see them on a regular basis. I don't like the idea of them knowing what I look like under my clothes. There is just something wrong with that.

So yesterday, as I entered the locker room I was followed by a woman. This woman is a colleague and client of mine. Because of our 'professional' relationship I was in no way going to change in front of her. I hate putting my sports bra on because it is awkward and snug. It has to be snug in order to do the 'job', however because it is snug it is a really interesting process. It's not pretty to watch me put it on. Trust me. There is no clasp so I have to slide it over my head and down my front. If you use your imagination for one moment, I am sure you can imagine what happens and what that could look like. It's nasty. In fact, it's so nasty that I don't even put it back on after I am done tanning. That's right! I leave the gym bra-less. Bra-less in Bodyfit. But nobody knows!! I have a winter coat on...so you can't even tell what I am or am not wearing.

So, yesterday in the locker room....I slowly unpacked my gym clothes. As I unpacked my gym clothes one piece at a time, my client started to talk to me. I unfolded each piece of clothing...first my shirt, then my pants...then my bra. I laid them out in a way that I could slip into them quickly in as little time as possible, revealing as little flesh as possible. She was still talking to me. She was actually standing at the bathroom stall facing me and talking...talking...talking. I was working hard at stalling without her realizing I was stalling. After all, I don't want her to know I am self-conscious. (As if she didn't know what was going on. I was being all stealth but I am sure it was obvious to her. That's probably why she was taking her time...because she knew I was suffering and she made a little game out of it. That's right, she was 'yanking my chain' and loving it!) Hell will freeze over before I change in front of her skinny little butt. I slowly slipped off each sock and replaced it with my gym sock. Socks are safe. No nakedness there. She was still talking though. AHH...go into the stall and pee already...because the moment you close the door and I hear the latch click...I am going to do my best to rip off every piece of clothing and replace it with my gym clothes before YOU are done peeing. Oh yes...it is a clothing frenzy. Clothes fly everywhere. Oh gawd! I hear the toilet paper roll. Is she done already? Hurry!! I hear the zip of her pants....NOOO!! In a very short moment, she will be unlatching the door and will witness me half dressed with clothes everywhere. And there it is...the sound of the latch. I quickly turn my back towards and continue my wrestling match with my bra. It's too late. The client sees my nakedeness. I kind of know how Adam and Eve felt...where the heck is a fig life to hide behind when I need one?

Don't get me wrong. I can do it. I can actually change and not care. However, the audience makes a huge difference in how I am feeling. Especially if the audience is young, hot and gorgeous. I'd much rather change in front of another chunky.

A short time ago, I remember getting a spray tan. I agreed to getting the spray tan done however, I insisted the owner of the spa do my spray tan. The receptionist asked me why. I told her that I wanted someone who had aged a little and who bore children. I didn't want an anorexic young beautiful super model coming any where near my naked body. Yup...when you get a spray tan, you stand there naked while the person airbrushes your entire body. And here's the kicker....if you are well endowed, they will actually lift up each one of your 'girls' to spray underneath so that there are no creases or white marks. That requires them to actually touch your boob with their hand, lift and then spray. OMG!!! I closed my eyes for the entire process as I believed if I didn't see her spraying my body, then it would be easier to convince myself that I wasn't standing naked in front of someone who is airbrushing my body. I asked her to airbrush a six pack on to my abs....but she felt that it wouldn't look authentic. What does she know?! ;)

Unfortunately, the spa owner (who is an amazing woman by the way), recognized my horrible self-esteem and made me open my eyes for 10 seconds and look into a mirror. Imagine that!!! Imagine looking into a full body mirror at your naked body while wearing just your knickers and speaking out a positive affirmation about yourself with someone else in the room with you. I can tell you that it was not my finest hour. (The only thing going through my head was....somebody please...pretty pretty please....kill meee.....I want to die.....put a bullet in my head...)

So, I guess that puts things into perspective. No one actually touches me at the gym. I can do it. I can change without shame. Oh good God...who am I trying to fool. Tomorrow I will change at home and skip the whole naked in front of audience part. That's gotta make the whole gym experience better right?

Day 56: Me Time

Today I had to overcome my coma-like inertia and get my body into gear at the gym. I have had to consciously work at getting my mind in the right place when it comes to getting there. I can think of it as a great sacrifice in which I buffet my body into submission or I can think of it as my 'alone' time. My time to be with myself. Me time. What the heck does that even mean?? Me time...lol...that is completely foreign to me. The only time I get 'me time' is when I am away for work. And then when I do have a day to relax, it is only then that I realize how tired I am and I spend quite a bit of that time....sleeping or just sitting and staring. I know it's really bad when someone comes up to me and wipes the drool off my lip as I stare off into space in a trance-like state. It has happened a time or two...yikes!

And just to let you in on a little secret...when I go away...I always schedule a couple extra days so that I can do nothing. Doing nothing is absolutely glorious. I am relishing in the thought of doing nothing right now. It is almost as good as escaping to the beach with Raul, my margarita and my People Magazine. So, now to get my head in the right place, I tell myself that I am going to the gym so that my brain can slip into neutral and just not think. And if I work hard, I reward myself with the electric beach. It's not as relaxing as the sandy beach but it does the trick. Well...at least for now.

And since my whole workout is strictly designed to slay the fat monster foreva, there is an entire array of factors that contribute to being a successful fat monster head hunter . Relaxation, sleep and eating habits are highly valuable and are important parts of my defensive position in my battle of the bulge. Some days it feels like every aspect of my life has been strictly regimented and there is very little room for creative spontaneity. This prevents binge eating, gym skipping and the ever so popular excuse formulating. It unarms the chunky monkey and gives me the competitive advantage. It has clearly mapped out how at night I will storm the camp of the fat monster, drive my ceremonial chunky monkey dagger into it's chest and declare war on it and it's followers. However, the fat monster has been retaliating lately and even the kitty Temptations on the tv commercials at the gym seem make my tummy grumble.

The good news in all of this is that I have finally broken the barrier. I reached milestone #1 and have broken through to the 150's. It feels good. I also have noticed that my thighs no longer touch each other. Yes that's right. I could pass a thin piece of cardboard between my thighs and not touch any skin. This is truly worth celebrating. If you have never had thighs of thunder then you will not understand how glorious and wonderful it is to have thighs that don't touch. It's like an early Christmas present!! Perhaps a donut is in order to celebrate this great milestone. No...not a deep fried donut...but a donut in the parking lot of the mall with my car would suffice. And since the brevity of human life is evident, I think it's good to live a little and pull a donut or two even if I am a "mature" adult. I actually did it the other day...and it felt good...no...it felt great....and I laughed to myself as I spun my car out of control. Of course, my near death encounter with the light post has made it very easy for my voice of reason to speak up now when I feel the urge to stunt. Where the heck is the voice of reason when I am tempted to each chocolate??

We really do pay the price to be beautiful. We don't indulge in chocolate. In fact, on my eating plan, chocolate would be considered high treason and I would be destined to the bottomless pit of fat if I broke the rules. Come to think of it, women really do go through a lot to be hawt. We pluck our eye brows, we dye our hair, we wax our legs (not to mention other body parts...), we work out at the gym, we get our nails done, we get manicures, pedicures, facials....all this to....no...all for the sake of........why do we do this to ourselves again?? Oh yeah...self-esteem...one more foreign thing to me. I am hoping to change that foreigner into a permanent resident. Well, Rome wasn't built in a day. One day at a time...right? Back to the gym tomorrow for my 'me time'. I am so excited. (sarcasm intended)

Cheers!!

Day 55

There are three things that are never satisfied...1. The grave, 2. The barren womb, 3. Fire....wait a second there are four.....4. My stomach. I am hungry. I blame the excess of calories from cheat day for my bottomless pit of a stomach today. Perhaps it was the aroma of popcorn and butter in the theatre today. Or maybe it was the home made chili, buns and the amazing assortment of desserts at the Roughrider party. It even could have been all the 'eating' that was going on around me. Regardless of what it was...my body is now paying for my one day of indulgence with the disagreeable after effects of junk food. And even though I have a strong affection for cheat day, I have really come to appreciate the benefits of eating clean.

Confession: I did not go to the gym today, however I will make up for it tomorrow by doing double duty. Simply put, I will be doing 40 minutes of cardio and a vigorous weight routine. All for the sake of losing one more pound. (insert groan here) One more pound in about a week's time. (insert another groan) Why must it take so long? And why is it I can gain that pound back in only a fraction of time it takes to lose it. Who's idea was this??? I want to talk to the manager!! Bring me your manager!!!

Where is Bob the Builder and his irritating theme song.....Bob the Builder, Bob the Builder...can he do it....yes he can!!! I need a peppy song to get me pumped up about the gym tomorrow. Right now I do wonder...can I do it? And the gym...well, I am already dreading it. And I already know that having this kind of attitude will push me off the weight loss wagon faster than you can say chunky monkey. I must remember my trainer's words in these times of peril. "Gym time is my time". Oh boy...that was weak. I am in serious and immediate danger of falling right back into the chunky monkey chubby pit if I start losing my enthusiasm. "My gym time is my time". There...that was a little better. "It is my time to look after my body...my aging body". YES!! I noticed today. My face. My face looks.....older.

Oh gawd...I saw lines in my face this morning that I have not noticed before. In fact, as I stood in front of the mirror, I almost had coronary when I smiled at myself and the laugh lines didn't go away. THEY DIDN'T GO AWAY!! They stayed!!!! And they have lingered all day!! The discovery of these lines has consumed me. Even in church when I should be thinking about God, I was thinking vain thoughts....I was thinking....God...help me for I am a woman whose face is marred by the deepening lines of middle age. Deliver me from this fate. There is no hope, my fate has been sealed...I am maturing. And since I had to pee three times during the service (I am sure you are all shocked) I had to pass by a mirror three times! That's right! The mirror is almost as nasty as the scale. Mirrors and scales...they are in the same category now. They both reveal the truth. They have no compassion, empathy and don't care how I feel. They always tell me the brutal truth. Couldn't they just say something nice for once?

They say that grey hair is a sign of wisdom. If that's true...then what are wrinkles a sign of??? And why are they deepening as I lose weight?! Ahhh...can I not have my cake and eat it to??? NO...not a real cake....a metaphorical cake! I can be fat and young looking or fit and old looking....what kind of a choice is that????

I will not lose hope. Tomorrow will be a new day. I will rise early in the morning...raise my sword and decapitate the head of my fat monster once more. For now, farewell my friends.

PS-

And please...when using a public bathroom....LOCK the stall door. Nobody wants to see you peeing. You know...once you see something...you can't un-see it. Oh God...wash my eyes...for I cannot bear the horror of what I witnessed tonight. (honestly, that is what the little silver latch is for....to protect innocent by standers from seeing you with your drawers down. Ahhhh!!)

Day 54:Chunky Monkey Goes Tobogganing

Cheat day!! What a beautiful day today!! It was definitely a winter wonderland here in the Canadian Prairies. The conditions were just right and after a hearty home made breakfast made by my Mom, my girls and I ventured out onto the toboggan hill. The sun was shining and the conditions were just right. The need for speed was all we were craving. All the training has been worth it. I had so much fun tobogganing that I could have done it all afternoon. The only problem being that I was wearing my princess Etnies instead of boots and neglected to utilize my snowboarding pants. I don't actual snowboard...but I have the pants!! And they really would have come in handy today. However, the chunky monkey has stopped me in the past from having fun with my kids. But not today!!! You want proof you say....well here it is....Chunky Monkey goes tobogganing.

So after a fun-filled afternoon with the kids and a good evening out with some friends. I am completely satisfied. Kind of. Besides the man that stood in front of me with his hand in his pants, the woman with the ugly cackle who insisted on laughing at an unbearable pitch throughout every single part of the the theatrical production...while spreading her ugly bacterii all over the back of our necks, heads and food......and not to mention my sore finger. Joanne tells me bacterii is not a word. What the heck does she know?! I'd like to cackle all over the back of that woman's head. I think I even felt her saliva penetrate some of my hair follicles.

Did I mention that getting to the gym this week took an extreme amount of dedication, discipline and a public display of kicking and screaming. I don't know why, but I have felt a little less motivation. I am not sure if I am just tired or if I am quietly caving into the lures of the donut god. Perhaps I truly am a chocolate chip cookie whore who would trade her birthright for a morsel of cookie. Maybe the fat monster has more of a hold on my heart than I realized. I have been a bit testy. I also know that the girl who likes to take locker 81 and ruin my entire gym experience will never touch it again.

OOOHhh! That's right! I saw her reach for it. I saw her touch it. She even opened it. She had the audacity to do it right in front of me. And I told her to back away from the locker. She laughed. I laughed. And then I put on my angry eyes. She said..."you are joking right?". I said..."of course.......if I wasn't joking, I would be admitting that I was nuts.....and that would be scary for you. So ya...I am joking..............(and then softly muttered)....kind of." She laughed nervously. I then turned slightly....and whispered in gangsta style, "back away from that locker or I WILL cut you"....no I didn't actually say that but I did say, "get your things out of my frigging locker". And then I laughed....and she laughed....and then I stopped laughing. (the whole experience really made my day as she is still not certain if I was joking or not. OF COURSE I WAS. But she doesn't know for sure.) (insert cackle). That was a defining moment in the locker room for me. And it made for a great work out. (Although, I skipped the dreaded ball exchanges and did core exercise number 1 instead. Bad girl...I know. Shhhh!! Don't tell my trainer. And don't worry....I will do them tomorrow right after the Roughriders bring home the grey cup.)

I left the gym feeling good. I felt hawt. I felt proud. And if I wouldn't have fallen down the steps in front of the nice looking lad on the way out....I would have felt like a million bucks. Well, maybe tomorrow I will feel like a million bucks. I know...nothing rang truer than what my Mamma used to say....Pride comes before a fall....if only I knew she meant it literally.

So, it is with a sad heart that I bid cheat day...farewell. Teach not thy lip such scorn, for it was made for eating brownies, not for such healthy and well balanced eating. Farewell, dear donuts for God knows when we shall meet again. If eating be an act of love....eat on. And when shall we eat again? In thunder, lightening or in rain? When the hurly burly's done...when the battle's lost and won....there to meet.....with....the dreaded....FAT MONSTER.

Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow,That I shall say good night till it be morrow.

Day 53: Part I

My deepest apologies for not posting the last couple of days. I travelled to Saskatoon on Wednesday to be part of a focus group and was not done until late. And then last night...again...I was tied up until very late. I chose to sleep as I was seriously lacking common sense and emotional stability. That's just my way of saying I was over tired. Craziness has been in full swing and I have so much to share with you!!

My weight....well...Aunt Flo showed up a whole week early and with a vengeance. I am not sure why she is here because she is unwelcome here. However, the sooner I get her visit over with the better so on we go to happier days. And since it is quite obvious earlier this week by the sappiness of my posts...I should think it was quite evident to you what was happening in my body. In fact, someone at swimming lessons asked me if I had my period because she read my blog and thought it was very hormonal. Thank you Corla!! LOL!!

Anyways, I have discovered that I retain approximately 2lbs of fluid when "she" is here and so if I remove those two pounds...I am right on target. (Aunt Flo I mean...not Corla.) I dislike weighing myself and that dislike turns into pure hatred when the power of the cycle is in full swing. But regardless, I feel good. My emotions are stable and I fit into a size M again. I can't believe I was in an L. Ahhhh! Anyways, the L days are over.

On my way to Saskatoon, I had another fight with the Elrose Tavern. Of course, I had to pee again. Really, REALLY bad!! And glancing over to the left I saw that their 'open' sign was lit. It lured me off the highway only to deceive me. There posted in the door was a small hard to read sign, 'closed for a memorial service'. AHHHH! I ran out of the car in disbelief and shook the door hoping it would pop open. NO, I shouted. Your open sign is on....you liar!!! The door was locked up tight. I was not peeing at the Tavern today...at least not in the toilet....all because of a memorial service. I know I know...it's not all about me...but when a girl's gotta pee...a girl's gotta pee!!

And so I found myself yet again in another awkward and uncomfortable situation. Since I was bursting with pee, I began thinking about a creative pee alternative. The gas station across the road was open. But this was the gas station where I peed outside on camera. Oh gawd...do I really want to see the faces of the men who probably watched me pee over and over and over again on their surveillance camera? The answer is no...no I do not want to know who has seen my booty. But I have no choice. I must face them or I will pee my pants. So over to the gas station I go. With my head held low, a hat on and dark sunglasses, I attempted to enter the station in stealth mode. Hoping no one would notice...I crept in through the front door. And there was an old man standing there. Oh gawd...he knows!!! He knows it was me who peed behind his fuel truck. And I knew he knew because he looked away quickly. He was probably snickering to himself or in disbelief that I would be back. Back to pee on his property. ( In my head....Shame, shame shout the villagers!!)

I walked through the door and asked where the bathroom was....he just reached out his left arm and pointed at the door. It looked yucky in there. It was dark and dank. The toilet was old and not looking as if it had seen a brush in quite some time. The wall was situated very closely to the toilet and as I squatted to hover over it, my knees banged up against the dirty feces sprayed wall. Realizing that I cannot hover because of the proximity of the wall, I sat on the seat. I SAT on it. I was dying inside...pee your pants....or get your butt dirty. I chose to get my butt dirty. BLEH! I finished my business and promptly left the building. Not looking to the left or the right I peeled out the parking lot. Not so stealthily. And when I passed Elrose again on the way home I waived....but it was a different kind of waive if you know what I am saying. ;)

That concludes Part I. Part II to come later. Off to the gym now.........

Day 51: A defining moment in my life...

Defining moments in our lives seem to set us on a course. They shape our minds. They form our paradigms. They put us on a path....and all roads go somewhere....

A defining moment in my life. One day, a voice came over the loud speaker...”Andrea Tataryn please report to the Vice-Principle’s office immediately after class”. Fear gripped my heart when I heard those words. What could I possibly have done wrong never mind be punished for? The walk down the halls felt like the green mile. The time to get to the Vice Principle’s office seemed to pass quickly and I could feel beads of sweat forming on my neck. The palms of my hands were moist and my mouth was dry with anticipation. What fate would fall upon me? I scanned my memory desperately trying to remember any offense that I had committed.

Being the withdrawn, socially awkward and shy teenager that I was, I was scared to death to sit in the chair that faced the vice principle. As I arrived at the office, the administrative assistant promptly reported to me that Mr. Fox was expecting me. Mr. Fox, the Vice Principle of my high school, was responsible to manage the discipline of students who were not so savvy with school rules. This was a challenging and unpopular position as my class alone had approximately 230 students in it. And he had a reputation for being strict and scary.

His door was open and I could see him working diligently at his desk. He was a tall slim man with a full head of curly hair and a thick mustache that spread itself across his upper lip. I peeked around the entrance to his office and his attention turned towards me. He invited me in to sit down and closed the door behind me. Sitting down and shuffling my feet nervously under my chair I looked down at the floor. I was not the most assertive teenager and being that my self-worth was virtually non-existent I displayed all the signs of a cast away. I was never picked on in school...well except for that guy in Grade six who called me fat Tat. I wasn’t fat then but his words still resonate in my head. Anyways, I had friends in school and I was slotted into my click within minutes of walking through the front doors of the SCCHS. The drama nerd herd was where I felt most at home and occasionally you could find me joining the skids for a little r and r. This should make it very clear to you that I was not dressed in brand name clothes...or even clothes that fit my body or my age. Regardless, I was in the hot seat now and had no idea why.

Waiting for the principle's words, I anticipated him to sound something like the great and terrifying wizard of Oz. But as he opened his mouth, I realized it was far less dramatic than what all the rumors had whispered about this man. As he said my name, I found my eyes bouncing upward and making eye contact with this authority figure I so passionately feared. “Andrea, I love windmills. I walked past the art room today and noticed a beautiful hand sketched picture of a windmill. May I have your permission to hang it in my office?”. In complete shock, it took me a minute to find some words. Why the heck does he need my permission to hang a picture in his office. As I hesitated, he pulled the sketch out. It had been framed and was nestled safely behind a sheet of glass. Looking closer, I noticed that my signature was on the drawing. A pencil sketch from my grade 10 year....oh yes....a sketch of a windmill taken from a photograph that my Dad had taken. I could hardly believe that he described the sketch as beautiful. Looking at the sketch closely, it was evident to me that I was inexperienced as an artist. It was not beautiful in any sense of the word. I managed to find enough courage to mutter softly, “Sure”. He said thank you and sent me on my way.

Although my response seemed to be small, my heart was moved. My ugly sketch of a windmill taken from a photograph that my now passed away father had taken was now hanging on the wall of the Vice Principle’s office of my school. It was like getting a booster shot of self-worth. It felt amazing. It gave me a wee bit of pride. It is moments like these that have shaped who I am. Sometimes it doesn’t matter who believes in you...it just takes somebody to actually do it.

The gym was GREAT today by the way. I think I may have discovered the best time of day to go....10:30 a.m. No one is using locker 81, there are hardly any people there, I have the weights all to myself and today I could have ran a marathon because I feel so good. Well, a really short marathon...maybe around the block. That counts for something doesn’t it?

Day 50: The fabric of life (I can think of nothing more noble to honor on day 50)

Sometimes slaying the fat monster can be a daunting task. Sometimes it feels lonely....however, I know I am not alone! There are many threads that are woven together to create a fabric. Fabric is made of fibers that are gathered from the source, spun into threads and then they are woven or knit into fabrics. There is a fabric of people that runs between the first and last breath that I breathe. My own personal fabric is made up of the following.....My heros.

Thank you Mom for teaching me commitment and strength.

Thank you Peter for convincing me that I had something more to offer. (He always thought I was a good enough ball player to play nationally--gotta love those big brothers!)

Thank you Sandra for always believing in me and seeing past the sometimes not-so-pretty exterior.

Thank you Marylou for teaching me family. (and being family) (I wish I had a picture of us bungee jumping as I feel that would be the most appropriate picture!)

Thank you Joanne for teaching me friendship (and being my sister).

Thank you Lorrie for teaching me forgiveness.(...and for your homemade pancakes)

Thank you Jayci for teaching me courage. (and your amazing sense of humor)

Thank you Darlis for teaching me integrity...(and always making me laugh).

Thank you Brad for teaching me generosity...(and for believing in me).

Thank you Eden for teaching me honesty...(and for lighting up my life).

Thank you Jael for teaching me gentleness...(and for being just amazing).

Thank you Angie for being my moral compass (and life long pal).

Thank you Aimee for teaching me laughter (and being my bestie).

And thank you God for the fabric of people you have woven into my life.

Each one of these people play a very important role and I thank God for them. For each of them and each virtue they have taught me, I have a story to support it. They are the unsung heros in my life.

The people that surround me make it evident to me that there is a God who is looking out for me. I can only be thankful that I am not alone in this fight of fat. There is no greater riches in the world than to have a treasure chest full of friends.

And that is one more point for me in the boxing match of life. Take that fat monster!! TKO!!

Day 49

In September, a dear friend (My otha Motha to be exact) recommended I read a book and offered to lend it to me. I promptly made a conscious decision to forget about the book and proceeded to leave it on the coffee table where it rested. While gathering my belongings to pack to come home, I glanced at it a couple of times and decided to thumb through it. Reading the first four chapters, I got nothing out of it but admitted it had the potential to be a good read. Placing it back on the coffee table, I left it behind.

Weeks later, the book showed up in the mail. It was carefully wrapped in a bag that also contained a bracelet, some freshly washed underwear and my Maui Jims that I had forgotten in Toronto. Finding the book amidst the other forgotten items, it was another not so subtle reminder to read the book....the book my friend thought I should read. Isn’t that a little presumptuous? ;) So, after letting the book sit on my nightstand for more than two months, I decided to just read it and get it back to my persistant friend.

I began the book on Friday on the way to Edmonton and finished it today on the way home. It has set me into a tail spin to say the least and I find myself evaluating my entire life. The last fifty or so pages held my heart and mind captive and the tears shed... skillfully washed the makeup clean off my face. Hiding behind my sunglasses, I concealed the tears and runny nose that its carefully written words produced. We stopped in Brooks to pee (go figure) and I quickly found the washroom in the gas station so that I could “clean” my face up before my husband realized I had been crying.

Yes, I know, he will discover that I cried for the last 30 minutes before our arrival into Brooks when he reads this post. However, I have never enjoyed crying and work very hard at doing it subtly. It is better that he find out that I cried than for him to witness it first hand as he has never handled my tears very well. It seems to make him feel helpless and bring a sobriety to the “mood” in the car. Since the RoughRider Game is on, I don’t want to take anything away from the excitement and anticipation of the CFL Western Final. And with that said, “Go Riders”!!

This book could not have come to me at a better time in my life. Why all the emotion you ask? My reaction of tears is because I can relate to some of the experiences and concepts in the book and to my surprise, a flood of emotions erupted as a result. This is not at all bad. Part of slaying the fat monster in my life means dealing with those deep-rooted issues that secretly hold my heart and thighs of thunder captive. The fat monster is only a symptom of something deeper. I know I’ve said it before, but I will say it again. Our struggles are not with flesh and blood but they are with the deep wounds, ideologies and paradigms molded by our childhood and life experiences. When the opportunity to release emotion rears it’s ugly head, it is okay to let out our tears as our tears are our god-given physical release from stress and a way to enter into healing and wholeness. They allow our bodies to deal with stress and our ever so touchy feelings in a healthy manner. Withholding tears, is crippling for me physically....a lesson learned only a few short moons ago. Since there was no bathtub for me to retreat to in order to cry...I cried behind my shades. Sometimes, that is why I wear my sunglasses at night. ;)

There is a long list of dreams and people (listed in tomorrow's post) that I am passionate about. And with each passing day I realize 3 things to be true. 1. People are more important than things. 2. Being intentional can change the entire direction of a project, relationship and even a dream. 3. Failures are absolutely essential to succeeding. And since I have failed at many many things, relationships included, I can only say that my failures are paving the road to my ultimate destiny....success.

And since I am looking at the glass as half full...I can only ask myself one question. Why the heck am I looking at a glass that is half full. I can have a glass that is full to brim and overflowing with good things. Good health, great relationships and prosperity for the sole purpose of sharing it. (some of my dreams)

See fat monster!! You thought that you were winning. Well, you were wrong! It is often darkest before the light. In the moments before dawn, the night sky is black and void of life....but at the end of darkness.....comes the most amazing and brilliant part of the day. And since I am in the dawn of my life, approaching mid-day....I am just beginning to experience the wonders of creation. Metaphorically speaking.....of course.

Cockadoodle doo!! Time for me to wake up and smell the coffee! Thank you Otha Motha for being persistent and encouraging me to read this book. Thank you to all of you for sharing this journey with me and following my blog...it means so very much to me!

I will not disclose the name of the book publicly as I feel it is essential for a human being to be in the right place to really get it. Isn’t that a life law...you either get it or you don’t? If you really want the name because you will read it and embrace it or maybe even think about just reading it....email me at andrea@widemouthmedia.com and I will tell you the name of the book. If I can encourage you to do one thing, it is to look into the mirror and really assess accurately who you are and how others see you.

See you tomorrow night!! Goodnight bloggosphere!!!

Andy :)

Day 47

It has taken 47 days to lose 6lbs. Dear God....what is up with that?? I know, I know...it's not all about the scale...it's about the inches, it's about dignity and self respect. It is not about vanity. And it is not about pounds. Or.....is it?

Since "the gym" is not my natural habitat and the cookie isle at the supermarket is, the saga of the struggling fattie continues on. And on. And on. And on.

I do understand that struggling to be svelte does not make me unique. Who isn't struggling to be svelte? I am making an exception to the hot body'd 16 year old who's diet consists of chips, beer and a steady habit of couch potato-ing. Clearly, those individuals who look hawt and have not earned it are completely disqualified and cannot possibly relate to nor share in "Mein Kempf". And I just think they suck! Okay, they don't suck, I am just envious of the fact that they will never know the taste of victory nor defeat when it comes to the fat monster. Wait a minute...why the H E double hockey sticks would I be envious of that?! I am on my way to tasting something other than french fries...and it will be the sweet taste of victory when the fat monster rears it's ugly head in my life.....no more!

This weeks challenge: The gym.

There seems at times to be a certain amount of bravado displayed by some of the beautiful bodies at the gym. And although, I believe my Creator intended my natural habitat to be the gym, I do find being there amidst the ever so confident hot bodies a wee bit challenging at times. I don't mean to point out anyone specific except for the braggadocchio who struts his not-so-hard body and slightly unfortunate looking face all over the weight area of the gym. And of course, he seems to be on the same rotation as me. Isn't that how life works? Isn't there something about Murphy's Law that besides being obnoxiously pessimistic is as true as the scale is accurate? The oversized ogre with a distinct old man smell who struts his stuff and kisses his biceps after flexing them is the type of guy that is going to be working legs right beside me. It's like working out beside a smelly peacock.....look at me....I'm so hot....I have big muscles....I grunt and sweat and kiss my biceps. And yet not a peacock, because peacocks actually are beautiful. Just remove the pea...and that is what he is. Why on earth does he have to come to the gym at the same time as me??

AND who the heck is using locker 81??? That is my locker. This is not a joke. I am not superstitious...more a creature of habit and well, when I can't use locker 81...well....I feel irritable. It throws off my whole routine.

And T-Fal just flashed an ad across the tv with french fries in it. AHHH! NO! NO! I will not give in to you evil french fries!!! Until tomorrow...then I will devour you....every last one. Helllooo cheat day!!

Alas, I am in a hotel in Edmonton with a cute guy. And he is waiting ever so patiently for me to finish blogging. I guess he is not waiting...more like snoring softly. And since a full day of driving has sucked the very life from me.....I must retire.

Until tomorrow.......happy fat slaying!! Cheers!

Andy :)

Day 45

It is only now that I have had time to sit down. (Insert groan). The day was long but good. Parent teacher interviews went very well. Swimming lessons were excellent. And dinner...well, my dear husband felt it would be a good idea to pick up french fries for the girls so dinner was just okay as I sat and watched them indulge.

As I ate my brussel sprouts, roast beef and whole grain pasta...one little fry caught my eye. It looked wonderful. The grease glistened in the light and I could hear it calling to me softly. It's aroma began to captivate me and I found myself starring at it. It had a hold on me much like the hold the ring of power had on Bilbo Baggins. Longing for it. I thought to myself...one french fry won't hurt...what can one little deep fried fry do? Maybe it was my quiet mutters..."my precious" or perhaps that my eyes reflected that of Smegol's that caught Brad's attention. Brad promptly spoke up as he saw the fry had taken it's hold on me. "Honey, I think you will sabotage yourself if you do it. Not your body...but your mind.

Glaring across the plate of fries that he was so quickly devouring, I asked him what he meant by his last comment. I may have been a wee bit defensive as me and french fries are one....and the fry had taken hold of me.

I didn't know what he was trying to say. He explained that he knows me very well, perhaps better than I know myself. I am so preoccupied in achieving a "perfect record" that one little fry...the tiniest of cheats....would be more damaging to my psyche in regards to my whole "new" lifestyle. I would eat the fry, then beat myself up for eating it, then I would realize that my clean eating record had been destroyed and I would quit the whole program. He knew that the fry would betray me......... Thinking about what he said, I realized he was right. One little fry had the potential to derail the whole freight train....wow...Brad was totally right. That is exactly what would happen. It is staggering to me when I realize the untamed power of the french fry....the french fry that would taste so good would eventually betray me. It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over such a small thing. It should have ended here but evil was allowed to endure and the left over fries remain in the refrigerator. Ahhh...the time will come when fat slayers will shape the fortunes of us all.

It began with the frying of amazing french fries. Some were given to the Elves; immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings. Some, to the Dwarf Lords, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls. And some were gifted to the race of Men, who above all else desire chocolate, wine and french fries. For within these indulgences was the power to make the one who eats of it...fat. Believing they would not get fat, they were all of them deceived. The Dark Lord Fat Monster fried in secret, a master french fry, to control all others. And into this french fry he poured all his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate to make all of us fat. One fry to rule them all. One by one, the free peoples of Middle Earth fell to the power of the Fat Monster. But there were some who resisted. A last alliance of women, men, children and fat slayers marched against the armies of the Fat Monster, and in the very aisles of the grocery store, they fight for the freedom of all chunkies....everywhere. So join me in my fight and we shall slay the fat monster together.

So...with that said, it is weigh day today...and yes...I am right on track. Wooooo!! Cheat day...here I come.

Night Night Bloggosphere!

Day 44

Sick day today. I feel less than motivated to be fit. Maybe it's the wintery weather. Perhaps it is the fact that I feel "not so hot". Maybe it is the fact that Christmas is around the corner. That is really starting to concern me. Christmas! How am I going to get through the Christmas season eating rice cakes and cottage cheese. Christmas is the time of year that I put cottage cheese on my butt...not on my plate! This year will have to be different. And in honor of this festive season, we will put a candle in a rice cake to celebrate baby Jesus' birth and leave carrots and celery out for the fat old man that will stuff his body through my chimney. Because hell will freeze over before I leave chocolate chip cookies out for anybody!! And how dare he waste the crumbs! Ever notice what a pig Santy Clause is. Good Lord buddy, get it in your mouth....who are you...the cookie monster??

It could be that today, I am craving sugar like you would not believe. I have never been so healthy in my life and have cut out everything that is not good for me. I can honestly say that I have not craved anything. That is until today. I can say that the craving goes deep. Like, my stomach seems to be a bottomless pit. And of course, I do not want cucumbers, pickles or lettuce (free foods). I want something created by the master of darkness...yes...the white stuff...........sugar! I want a fix. No..not a banona...just plain old sugar. AH! A diet Pepsi will have to do. I hope it works. I guess where there is a will, there is a way. And I must not submit to the fat monster now. NO...too much of a price has already been paid to throw in the towel. The fat monster may have won a battle or two with me...but I will win this war!

I did make it to the gym today. This is how it went...

See fatty. See fatty run. See fatty run fast. Go, go, go. Go fatty. See fatty. See fatty run. See fatty run slow. Slow, slow, slow. Poor fatty. She is tired. See fatty. See fatty quit. Fatty is a quitter.

Weigh day tomorrow....God help me....If I am not back down to 160.5 lbs, I will not be given a cheat day on Saturday. And the way I'm feeling right now....well...I NEED my cheat day like I need air to breathe. For now...if you don't find me in my bed sleeping...I will be in the kitchen serenading the love of my life...(sugar).

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Night night!!!!

Day 43

I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore! And you better get under cover. There's a storm blowin' up - a whopper, to speak in the vernacular of the peasantry. What a week!! Stress was definitely a ten. I was thinking of giving up on humanity all together but thought that might be a little....over the top. I think I will settle on the fact that donuts, deep fried food and football parties that taunt all five of your senses are the spawn of the master of darkness and we should throw them into the fiery pit in an attempt to overthrow his kingdom and allow the fatties of North America to walk free and svelte once again.

No...I didn't gain...I just wish this whole process was faster. I am so close to breaking the 160lb barrier....once and for all! It just feels like it's within reach....and I am terrified that just as I close my fingers to grasp it....the dark war lord and it's crew of imps will snatch my freedom away....foreva! As I lose heart and crumple into a ball on the floor, more commonly known as the fetal position, I will relinquish my fat slaying nunchuks and submit to an eternal membership of fattie, resident in fat-dom. I think today is ...the glass is half empty sort of day.

So....I'm on a Wizard of Oz kick...but what can I say...I found myself ripped and torn by a wild gail into a new world over run by munchkins, scarecrows without brains and irritating little dogs named Bailey...er ummm...Toto. Oh yes...and don't forget the wicked witch of the west! She's here too!! Where the heck are Uncle Henry and Auntie Emm when you need them?? (They are probably drinking a 40 at the local pub because their insurance didn't cover an "act of God". And frankly, I don't blame them). Hmmm....that's a good idea...wonder if it's in the training plan?? Dear trainer, I drank a 40 today because I realized that I am somewhere over the rainbow...if you have a gps that can find the Wizard of Oz...I would be so very grateful.

It all started when I opened my eyes today. The guilt for "skipping" the gym yesterday came in like a flood. The reality that today would mean double duty at the gym, cardio, weights and ugly ball exchanges was ever so potent. The fact that I am feeling under the weather, "blue" and not on my game didn't help either. It was work just to drive to the gym, eat my beef jerky and snap peas and put my gym clothes on. Then at that point, I realized I had forgotten my socks. So, I had to work out in my bare feet because if I go home to get socks, I will never get back to the gym. Unfortunately, having no socks only made my shoes stink and I have a small blister on my pinky toe!! While I was at the gym...a less than fit, 18 year old boy...for that is what he was...decided that he was going to offer me some advice as to how I should be lifting weights. That's all I need. Can't you see that I am wearing my angry eyes today?! I smiled, said thank you, walked away and #$*% under my breath. Don't get me wrong...advice is good....just not today!!

So after finishing the gym, I rush home to make dinner for the kids. They had swimming lessons today and would soon arrive home with a ferocious appetite. So I whipped up some soup, let out the dog and got ready for the animals to arrive home. Eden phoned before they arrived to remind me that I promised her to take her to the store to buy her a webkinz....and since I had been procrastinating fulfilling this promise...she was holding me to it tonight. My whole body aches, I feel like the wicked witch of the west (you were wondering who that was...weren't you?) and I am sick. If they would have warned me when I was young that sex would eventually mean a baby which would eventually mean living a selfless life for the rest of my life...I may have thought twice about it. That's where the brainless scare crow comes into play. Anyways, I don't want to go there!! ;)

As I sit here with the tv on, and Toto is nudging me constantly to play with him while I try to share my day with you....I am learning how male anaconda's reproduce. Multiple snakes wrap themselves around the female and stick their claws into her...YIKES! What is up with that?!

Dear Diary,

You cursed fat! Look what you've done! I'm growing! growing! Oh, what a world! What a world! Who would have thought a good little donut like you could destroy my beautiful svelte-ness?!

Sincerely, Donut Eater

Right now, I find myself tapping my princess Etnies together and whispering softly..."there's no place like home, there's no place like home".

Day 41

There was a real show stopper at Bodyfit yesterday. And of course, the star of our show....unfortunately and yet not surprising...it was me. After running and then working my back and triceps....I did my core exercises. After that I thought I would check out the electric beach and pump up my vitamin D. And here is where the show began. Exhausted from all the exertion and in desperate need of water, I undressed, lotioned up and stood in the tanning booth for 10 minutes. The 10 minutes was no more exciting than usual but the action began the moment the lights turned out. Wearing my dark glasses and weakened from the heat, I pushed on the door to get out. Only this time, the door was stuck. I mean it was really stuck. Feeling a lump in my throat, I placed my hands against the protective cage over the lights and pushed again. Not even a budge. Feeling claustrophobia set in....I started to panic. Vigorously, I shook the cage hoping to shake the door loose and get out. My God...I can't get out.....and I can now feel myself getting out of breath. Forcefully, I pushed again and again. Moments passed, sweat formed on my brow and I could feel tears welling up in my eyes....as I started to call out for help....standing there completely naked........I realized..........I was pushing on the wall and not the door! I slid my hands over and the door popped open!! Tears running down my cheeks and feeling embarassed...I don't know why as I was the only one watching...or there in the room! Can you imagine if I would have called for help?! They would have rushed in to the room, opened the booth door and I would be standing there in the neud with my dark glasses on clawing at the wall. It was then that I decided that I would no longer do double duty at the gym if I didn't have to! Alternating days for cardio and weights is way better for me. And I will look for the big red handle to get out next time!! How pathetic!

After the gym, I put on my bathing suit and hit the pool with my kids. It was great fun and even though the temperature of the pool was much lower than usual...Eden said she had a great time. She told me that I was cool...not all the time...you know...I'm not like...yo yo yo...but pretty cool some of the time. I guess that's better than being called Miss Hanegan or Cinderella's Step Mother....both of which she has called me in the past. So, flaunting my baby belling and full figured thighs....I had fun with my kids. It's all about making memories right. Don't ask me about trying to climb the rock wall. I guess I am not as agile as I once was...and since my bust is significantly smaller....things don't stay on as well as they once did.

A little while later, my ferocious appetite crept up and surprised me. It is so sneaky now...and it comes with a vengeance. I told the girls that I wanted to leave the pool and eat some supper. Actually, my exact words were, "I am so hungry I could gnaw my arm off". Eden looked at me in horror....as she took what I said literally. LOL! But they are used to how quickly we need to move when it's time for me to eat. So, off to get some din din. After that we watched Toy Story 3, and I cried at the end. What the heck is the matter with me??!!! I think the whole getting trapped in the tanning booth, facing my fears and wearing a bathing suit, double duty at the gym, a freezing swimming pool and extreme hunger just pushed me over the top. Maybe shedding a tear at a cheezy kids movie was a good thing.........

Today, I am down to 160 lbs!! Wooooo!!! I have almost broken through the barrier! Soon I will be in the next level of fatness. And what a grand day it will be. Did I mention today is cheat day?? Well, time to indulge in my chocolate bar.,,,yum!!! Good night bloggosphere! See you on the other side........!

Day 39

A long time ago in a galaxy far far way, it is a period of civil war. Rebel calories, striking from a hidden cupboard, have won their first victory against the evil Chunky Monkey Empire. During the battle, Rebel calories managed to steal secret plans to sabotage the efforts of Andrea, aka, fat monster slayer. Pursued by sinister donuts, chocolate cake and brownies, the fat monster slayer races upon the treadmill with an eating plan that can save her body and restore freedom to wear a bikini for her and the generations after her...

One day at a time. Head down. Work hard. Ahhhh....the honeymoon period at the gym is over. The honeymoon with rice crackers and rice cakes has ceased. Now, I must learn to live peacefully with healthy food and working out. To walk through every day hand in hand with my trainer (metaphorically). I can no longer pay attention to the lusts of the flesh and indulge whenever I feel the urge. I must keep strong. I must keep courage and face the demons of my ancestors. (Okay...I don't want to be too dramatic...but I really am facing my family's demons.) I must slay the fat monster once and for all and my children's children can then taste freedom (which is not chocolate cake) and live peacefully for all their days. They will never know the pain, toils and horror of obesity. They will never be lured into the kitchen while they sleep...to graze in the pantry. They will be free....even my children's children.

So, I missed a day at the gym. Actually, I missed a whole 2 days at the gym...and here are my excuses....1. The gym in the hotel was absolutely disgusting. 2. I travelled the entire second day. Do I feel guilty...no...am I terrified of the results of the scale?? ABSOLUTELY. What news will it hail tomorrow....? If my DNA had not already predisposed me to obesity, I would not be so paranoid. However, coming from a family of chunkies, it is definitely something that weighs "heavy" (pun intended) on my heart. And since the plan that my trainer designed for me is merely a guide that has set limits on my unhealthy eating behaviors, I have no more excuses to justify my current state.

Fat Tat...that's what a guy in grade 6 used to call me. I don't know why he called me that as I was not yet chunky. However, it did do something to me that has trailed behind me for my entire life. And it was then that I noticed that other people had weight problems. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT I HAD NEVER NOTICED THERE WERE FAT PEOPLE BEFORE THAT??? I also had a night shirt that said, "I'm not fat, I'm just fluffy". Again, another defining moment in my life. These two moments are the "dark places" in my heart where I can immediately feel the pain and rejection all over again (if I let my mind go back there). In fact, these words impacted me so much that I saw "FAT" whenever I looked in the mirror. It's like I was looking through a cloudy looking glass at some inaccurate version of myself and never stopped seeing the fat little girl. Words are powerful and when used recklessly, they do some serious and long lasting damage. I can't help but wonder what words I have uttered to my own girls that have molded and shaped their self esteems in a negative way.

Someone the other day told me that they never realized I was fat. LOL!! Neither did I. According to my BMI one month ago...I was considered obese. Can you believe that?? I still fit in regular sizes but was categorized as FAT. That's right, 40% of me was fat. That means I was half fat. Half of me was fat. OMG!! Could it really be that bad? That's when truth rushes in like a flood and shows you what you really are. And at that point you honestly wonder if you are having a heart attack, a panic attack or just indigestion from the 2 pieces of chocolate cake you had for desert. However, truth mixed with some grace are the main ingredients to a lifestyle change....I think......

Even though in my head, an angry crowd throngs around me, shouting insults like fatty, thunder thighs, chunky, big girl and ugly...I turn a deaf ear to it. Long gone are the days that the fat monster rules....your days are numbered fat monster and you will soon taste defeat.

I'm going for coffee now....and I will have water...and I will love it. It will be better than a Venti Moccacino made with steamed milk, chocolate and sugar.....with extra whipped topping. Mmmmmm....I can almost taste it now....the water that is....I can almost taste the water.

Day 37

My fat monster is hungry. And it cries out at the midnight hour for a morsel of bread. (She is starving to death....hehehe...and so I prevail once again).

This whole ‘working out’ thing has my...well...ummmm....how do I say it....well....my bra is too big. Why the heck am I losing weight there? It brings me back to the days of Judy Bloom and the all so popular book, ‘Are you there, God? It’s me, Margaret’. I am almost certain that every girl read this book in grade 6...at least my little group of friends did. Lately, I find myself muttering softly in the morning when I dress... “We must, we must, we must complete our bust. The bigger the better the tighter the sweater, the boys depend on us”. It worked when I was 13...I can’t see any reason why it won’t work now.

Unfortunately, I did not run yesterday. The gym here was so so so yucky! I could not bring myself to touch the sticky with black goo excercise equipment. Blech...I can still see it and....hold that thought while I go and spew........

So tomorrow will be chest day and cardio day. I despise chest day with every ounce of my being. I wish I could lift more. I am so weak chested...well endowed...but weak. OKAY! I USED TO BE WELL ENDOWED! But do not fret...I still got it!! I am after all in a C cup. Bigger than B and smaller than D...the perfect size....won’t you agree?

So to face facts, if I am going to improve the strength of my chest then I need the help of a spotter. However, I have been too embarrassed to ask. There are only old ladies that smell like old soap and big sweaty body builders who grunt and groan as if they are bulls servicing cows....that is who is nearby when I need help. And I just don’t want to look up at the ummm....er.....*legs* of whoever is helping me. This is because...some people just don’t wear the proper length of shorts.....are you picking up what I’m laying down....(bleh). Come on buddy!!! Don’t you know that private parts are just that....PRIVATE. Wear some decent shorts!!!! OR put on some frigging underwear that keeps everything in! AHH!

Anyways.......there was a drop of golden sunshine at the gym the other day. Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows...and everything that’s wonderful...that’s how I felt in this moment! There was a guy laying on the bench...and he was working hard. Drops of sweat sprayed everywhere and the ring around his neck proved that he was really pushing himself. The part that brought a sparkle to my eye was when I noticed he was lifting only the bar...lol...and inside my head...I gloated. I gloated a lot. (Ahhh...the wonderful glory of gloating.....)