Woe is me!

Happy Valentine's Day to all of you. With that said, I am feeling very anxious as this is the third day in a row that I have been sick.........in the morning. I didn't think much of it...until of course...today!

Early this morning, I frantically wrote out valentine's cards with my girls so that they had something to share with their classmates (I know...mother of the year). Jael set her alarm for 6:45 am just so she could get a head start. By the time I got out of the shower, she was 3/4 of the way finished.

So Eden and I wrote them out as fast as possible. As I sat there with my innocent 8 year old...I struggled to keep some horrible memories out of my head. Looking at her innocence and purity, it is hard to believe she said what she said.

A LONG time ago...she sort of accidentally interupted Brad and I. She opened the door and without even flinching (we were involved but not exposed...get your minds out of the gutter) she said, "oh...you guys are sexing. Trying to make a baby eh? No problem with me". Then she closed the door and left. I of course crawled into the fetal position and contemplated suicide. TOTAL mood killer. Brad laughed. I died. And the evening came to an abrupt end. And all her comments flooded into my head as we sat at the table this morning...how come she didn't flinch...my innocent little baby girl didn't even flinch. AHHH! I don't know what spurred the memory....but it made for a stressful morning. (Note: This happened a long long long time ago. Just thought you should know that.)

Giving my head a shake so I could focus and not re-live the horror, I got their skates, helmets, lunches and backpacks ready and sent them out the door. It was a race to get ready today!! Of course, when I was finally ready...the dog decided he was not going into his kennel so I played "cat and mouse" or rather "fat lady chasing irritating little dog" for 15 minutes. Finally, arriving at work, I started up the stairs to my office. It was then that it hit me. OMG!!! Please oh please oh please...I hope I just have the flu and nothing else!! If I am sick again tomorrow...well...I will just try to not think the worst. Ugggh!! Maybe that's why I am craving cookies...AHHHHH!!! (off to the pharmacy for a test!) Maybe I am just taking this too far....relax Chunky...you probably just have the flu...stop thinking the worst....(sniff, sniff, sob, sob) I never exaggerate....ever.

Anyways, I missed my run yesterday as I was...umm...not feeling well. I did feel much better by late afternoon and hit the hockey game with Brad. Of course, he ate a rink burger and fries right in front of me. This is probably the first time that I didn't long for the greasy disgustingness of a rink burger and fries as he indulged beside me. My stomach is not itself...I guess that's a good thing...I think. Hopefully all the vomiting will result in some weight-loss. I guess you could say (thank you Mark) that I am only two flus away from my goal weight!

This week, I will have to squeeze my big run in. Uggh! And the week is crazy to say the least. And my chest is sore...and my stomach is upset....and I'm grumpy. Oh and did I mention that much to my surprise...I have arm pit fat!!! Who the heck makes the bras these days?! Gawd...no wonder I stand in front of the mirror in the morning crying and scowling at my sagging aging body. Every girl at some point in her life has to face the fact that she has back fat, arm pit fat and well...gravity is starting to show it's effects. I blame it on breast feeding a baby or two...it completely destroys your body. Or is it age? Or is it both? Come on girls...you were once perkier...PERK UP!!

Wow!! I am a complete optimist today. What can I say...it's Monday! Off to the gym later to work chest (oh the irony of this) and biceps...as hard as possible so that I can moan and groan as I soak in my tub of very hot water and bath salts while hoping that I am not "with child". All for the sake of beauty!!! Okay...not beauty...but for health. For feeling better. For being a good example. My trainer tells me that working my chest will keep me perky. WELL, I AM ALREADY LOSING THE PERKY BATTLE...AHHHH! Woe is me!!!

Okay...rant over. Happy Cupid's Day!

Sincerely, Chunky.

Give me a cookie!!!!!

Sleepless in Swifty

Not one wink of sleep for me last night! I was sleepless in Swifty. However, it wasn't a night where I wrestled with something in my head. I spent most of the night just thinking about my relationships and how much I appreciate my support group. And yes, I am sentimental so it kept me awake...all night. Each hour passed and I reflected on what I have learned even in the last week. When I consider the people God has brought into my life...just for me...I count myself blessed over and above all I could hope, think or ask for. My sleep was not a cold, restless, sleepless night...more like a warm, whole, restful, sleepless night. Krazy...I know. But so true!

My entire journey that began three years ago has completely erupted into a mobius strip experience. I feel like the prisoner who left Plato's Cave for the first time. It's as if one day...I 'woke up'...metaphorically speaking. My life has more meaning, depth, love and peace today than it ever has. I have also felt more pain than ever before as I face things that I have avoided for a very long time. But I am moving past the former things and I will not dwell on things that have been taken from me. This is absolutely crucial in defeating the chunky monkey in me. Why? Because the more comfortable I am with myself, the more I can reach out to those around me and the end result is fulfillment and contentment. That is something a chocolate chip cookie or glass of wine can NEVER give me.

One day the following will be in my book...if I ever get around to writing it...I wrote this last year...it's scribbled down on a piece of paper from the Sutton Place Hotel in Vancouver...I am going to keep it...it's tattered and torn...but so much a piece of who I am. Read on...

Love. Intentional demonstrations of love that we consciously integrate into our everyday interactions with the people we value, produce platonic, intimate and long lasting relationships. Allowing ourselves to love, be loved and be vulnerable creates an atmosphere conducive to nurturing a deeper level of relationship. Ultimately, intimacy in its purest form results in feelings of purpose and fulfillment in both the giver and receiver.

The definition of love must be consistent with both the giver and the receiver in order to maintain a healthy understanding of one another. Managing interrogations of each individual if discrepancies exist is the heartbeat of the relationship, adds value and depth to it. The response from each individual will determine the ultimate overall success of the relationship. The giver and receiver must be able to alternate roles and have mutual understanding of one another.

However, love in its truest measure is unconditional and cannot be limited to "taking turns". Love then becomes an extension of oneself while expecting nor requiring anything in return. Thus we understand that love is not based on conditions or approval, nor is it earned. It is not withheld when 'wrongs' are committed. It is in that moment that the extension of love and understanding removes the stain of guilt, regret, shame and dishonor.

Love freely given and freely received produces "fruit" in our lives. In other words, giving and receiving must both occur in order to yield a "bumper crop" of love and acceptance. If the interaction contains both giving and receiving in alternating existence, a whole new level of love will be experienced.

I am learning what it means to...love. Myself, my family, my friends. Sometimes we lose things in our life...BUT God has a way of bringing them back to us. They are always in a different package...and they are always a surprise...but there is no better way to give a gift unless it is both a surprise and in a unique package...right?

Andy :)

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

TaTa Tamer

Today was another exciting day filming some chunky monkey tv. The irony of all this is that it is incredibly difficult to to eat on time, drink enough water and fit "gym time" into my day. My trainer did have a bit of fun with me today when she recommended that I buy a TaTa Tamer for LuLu Lemon. Why in the heck would she say that? What you sayin' beeeotch? LOL. I guess she thinks my TaTa's need to be tamed!!

And as much as say how buff and scary my trainer is...I need you to know that she is the sweetest lady. She is so encouraging and she is definitely fascinating. She was one of Swift Current's 5 most fascinating people for 2010. So, for me, it is quite an honor to have a trainer who is a professional body builder and is an all around amazing person. You rock, Lyris!!

So after 3 hours of filming at the gym today, I went to the locker room to get changed. It was then that I realized that George (the producer) had lost my key to my locker. He of course was really upset about it. I wasn't upset a bit. I was just going through blackberry withdrawl. Three hours...no blackberry...AHHH! And now the key is gone. However, George found it. Poor guy felt really bad. I wasn't upset...what's the worst that can happen...we have to bust the lock. No biggie!! However, I had almost 40 emails to catch up on. YIKES!! Not a good feeling.

Anyways, I haven't had a break all day. So, I am going to eat, sit back in my chair at the office, listen to some tunes and try and take a rest before my next meeting. Tomorrow brings a whole new collection of experiences for chunky monkey tv. Oh gawd...this will be my ultimate test. Did I mention I have to fit the gym in.

I want a cookie so bad right now!!!!!

Andy:)

Utopia...Selah!

"Intrinsic goals are the ones we follow and complete and that add meaning". --Dr. Henry Cloud

They say you should choose goals that fit. Usually, my goals consist of finding a pair of jeans that fit. A goal that is far too often unattainable. Why is my current state...never good enough? Why am I never satisfied with what I see? I could be 30lbs lighter and probably would still feel FAT. Maybe I need to find a way to get comfortable with myself. Perhaps, that is a key to living.

Why the hell are there SO many keys to living? The keys to living look like a friggin' janitor key ring! And how the heck do we know which key unlocks which door?? It's like trying to find a needle in a haystack...or a thong on a four hundie! No fun and near impossible! I think I may have discovered one truth on this entire journey...and it is this...Do not worry about tomorrow...for tomorrow will worry about itself. Okay...two keys....the other being...pursue only those things that are congruent with who you are. I will never be an NBA basketball player...but I will be a marathon runner. It's attainable...and it will be great to get there...however, that is not what will make me happy.

'Happy' is something the world is chasing after. More money, more things, more relationships, more achievements. We want hotter, sexier bodies, have big houses, go on extravagant holidays and drive hawt cars. We are trying to find some kind of fountain of youth that will make us look younger and less saggy. Unfortunately, 'happy' does not come from those things...at least not long lasting 'happy'. Happy comes from things that are more intrinsic...like giving to others. Or...by not waiting for someday...or by stopping to smell the roses. Or maybe just enjoying the people who surround you and telling them you love them EVERY time you think of them.

I dare you to try that for a week!! Everytime you think of someone you love...tell them. Email, text, bbm, fb...try it. See how you feel. Be real. Be sincere. Don't be weird. Yeah..like if you are a stalker...I highly recommend you not do that. FREAK!

Anyways...I still have my goals...but achieving them is not what makes me happy. There is more to it than that. 'Happy' is complex and simple all at the same time. I am in my happy place now...it involves a beach, a cold drink, the sound of the ocean, sand, a hot man-servant and the latest edition of People Magazine. And while I lay on hammock, I can relish in the fact that I am a fat monster slayer and have a perfectly ripped body with a six pack and 20% body fat. Woooo!!! Utopia!! Happy now!

And with that said...dun-dun-duuuuuunnnnnn!!!!

...the first episode of Chunky Monkey TV!

Gym Whore

Good morning people of the earth!!

My trainer was not kidding when she said my new program would challenge me. I think she is trying to kill me. I don't know what I ever did to her that would make her want to hurt me like this. After a strenuous work out last night, a great tan and a furious outburst of anger because locker 81 was occupied....I realized that this new program is going to be really tough. But when the road gets tough...the tough get going....or something like that. I was never very good at cheezball expressions.

Yesterday, I arrived at the gym at 7pm and didn't leave until...well...let's just say the gym was closed by the time I left. The new exercises are very challenging and to just take things up a notch, I decided to ball exchanges as fast as I could. OMG!! If that doesn't get rid of my baby belly...I don't know what will.

There is a new and very effective shoulder exercise incorporated into my routine. My trainer tells me it will give me some great shape and my arms should look 'cut' after a few months of this. So, I was very excited to get started. Of course, my choice in work out gear was not ideal for this sort of exercise. But how am I to forsee wardrobe malfunctions at the gym?

As I laid face down on the incline bench something horrible happened. As I was concentrating on lifting my arms forward with a good amount of weight at 10 o'clock and 2 o'clock, I noticed two of the guys were looking at me. As soon as they noticed I was looking at them. They both looked away quickly. It was like seeing a teenage boy blush and awkwardly look away as he sees the cover of Victoria Secret for the fist time.

So, naturally, I am wondering what the heck is the matter with these two guys. Of course, in the back of my mind, I am wondering what has gone awry with me, my clothes or who knows what. What's the dealyo? I put in another few reps to finish the set so as not to "appear" as though I am uncomfortable and worried to death about what is going wrong. Looking down at myself to see what possibly could be distracting the two dedicated guys I have seen work out night after night...I SAW it! The way in which I lay on the bench (EXACTLY how my trainer told me to do it) had pushed my girls upward and top that I was wearing had no hope in hell of covering me.

Horrified...I quickly stood up. Losing my balance as my arms were now exhausted from exertion I stumbled backwards. Catching myself before falling on the floor I regained my balance. I dropped the weights and as quickly as humanly possible, pulled my shirt back up over the HUGE amount of cleavage that was on display. MY GAWD! I feel like a whore of Babylon! A chunky monkey gym whore. A plus sized prostitute.

Now you may not think there is anything wrong with a bit of cleavage but I need you to know that I am not talking about a 'bit' of cleavage. I am talking about whole LOT of cleavage.

I am NEVER wearing that top again. And I am sure I made a lasting impression on the two lugs that were watching. I didn't look at them the rest of the night and hope I never see them ever again. The only problem is that they work out every single day...aaahhhhh. I guess it's all about making memories....but from now on, I will be more careful about the kind of memories I am making and ensuring my top is capable of covering...well....my top.

Sincerely,

Gym Whore

Day 106

5 a.m. came with a vengeance this morning as I woke up absolutely famished. I have never felt so uncomfortable in my life. I laid in my bed for an hour and a half thinking about how good breakfast would taste and feel. And it's not a good sign when a person is dreaming about how good oatmeal will taste. And then I fell asleep. And then I woke up again and I was sure I had the flu as I felt like I was going to woof my cookies. However, how can one "woof their cookies" if one's stomach is completely empty? It's called dry heaving...and there is nothing good about that.

So after eating my oatmeal, protein shake and orange, I felt way better. However, shortly after feeling better about my breakfast, I went to make my bed and noticed that my finger (the one I cut last night making supper) split open and bled right by my pillow. Of course, I am completely disgusted as I forgot about it until now. Now being...the time I get back into bed for the night. ARRRGH!

I did however, surprise myself today when I went to the bathroom and pulled my dress pants down....and realized that I forgot to undo them. Wooo...bye bye hips. This is a good sign and it makes me think that all the running is worth it. It is right??

I am getting all psyched up for Thursday as we are filming our first two minute episode of chunky monkey. AHHH!! My nerves are definitely not nerves of steal!!! I am not feeling very fit....and doesn't television make you look fatter than you already are?! AHHH!!!!! I just spent three months losing ten pounds...now a camera is going to add twenty! My heart crumbles into a pile on the floor only to be swept up and thrown into the trash. (DRAMA...I know...but I can't help it....it's part of who I am so....just deal with it).

I hope I can sleep. Nervousness plus hunger...not a good combo. Throwing up now....

Sweet Dreams!!!

Chunky

Day 101

Woe is me...for I am undone! My body afflicted. My thighs...quivering. My lungs....burning. Running is hard work and oh my gosh...I feel like I'm going to die. It is not easy and my chunky body does not feel ready for it. I can feel every ounce of fat jiggling as I run. And of course, I wore the wrong shorts today....as they creeped and crawled the entire time my fat jiggled on the treadmill. So, while the people on the elliptical trainers behind me watched me fight with my crawling shorts, I struggled with good form and technique as picking wedgies does not support good jogging technique.

Gawd...big busted women should not be running either. Yes, I have a great few sports bras...it's just that...well...it's hard to lug those babies around while prancing on a treadmill. Okay...it's far from prancing...it's like I am back in junior high...and I'm the fat girl stomping and grunting around the track. Gawd...somebody kill me please. And to make it worse...today...I got a cramp. I have never had a cramp before. I had to walk in the middle of my run because of my cramp. And because of walking...I lost momentum (mentally). So I left the gym feeling like I didn't get the best work out. Big busted chunky monkey did not get a good work out in today. Alas!! I have failed. But the good thing is....is that I get to do it all over again tomorrow. Can you hear the enthusiasm in my voice???

And what the heck was the gingerbread man thinking..."run run as fast as you can...you can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man....." Of course, I can't catch you. I've been eating you all day and now I am too FAT to run. First you tempt me to eat you....and then you taunt me when I can't catch you. I hate you little gingerbread man. You don't have to run with boobs and chunky thighs. Like who the hell wrote all these childhood nursery rhymes anyways?? How about old mother hubbard!? Like what the heck is her problem. No food!!! NO wonder I like to eat...I'm afraid of a bare cupboard and getting whipped soundly and sent to bed. And I want my dog to have a bone!! I associate no food with being whipped and my dog starving to death. Next thing you know, I will be singing Ring-around-the-Rosie and falling to my horrible lonely death. And this is what we are teaching our children??!! All this time I thought it was Barbie's fault. Now I think it is Mother Goose's fault.

I have no excuse for this rant. It's just that my workout was not so hot today....and I feel frustrated. Again...some stored up anger from the fact that somebody was in locker 81 again today.

And I have to weigh myself tomorrow. Uggh! ....must press on..........

Night!

Andy :)

Day 85: To eat or not to eat...that is the question!!

The Christmas eating marathon is over!! Christmas hangover is in full swing!!! If I see one more bun, roll or decadent dessert I think I will...umm...err....eat it!! Christmas really is the time of year where one can literally eat themselves into a coma. It's funny how a holiday that is supposed to be 'holy' is the very holiday where we over spend and act like glutton's. That kind of behavior kind of takes the 'holy' out of it. Unless you use the word in reference to how you feel after....holy crap...I am sick of food. Or...holy! I feel like crap! Or...holy! Look at all the crap we have to put away.

The tree is down, the desserts have been consumed, the wine is locked away and the training begins. I am now beginning phase II of my "new life". I was down to 156 lbs before Christmas and I have been too scared to see the damage on the scale. I've lost ten pounds since the beginning of my chunky monkey battle. So that means...15 more pounds to go. SIGH. I will wait until tomorrow to weigh in. Heaven help me. Don't get me wrong...my eating was okay...not perfect but pretty darn good...I was just inactive...to say the least. And I can blame it on the fact that both of my adorable little angels had oozing, pussing, disgusting eye infections or I can blame it on the fact that the gym was closed...regardless of the reason why....chunky monkey was just not fat slaying. More like fat storing.

We had a great time in Regina yesterday however, every time I use a public washroom something horrible happens and I then feel the need to tell you about it. I know I can't blog about my ugly public bathroom experiences all the time but I can't help it. For me, the public bathroom is the most despicable place on the planet. And I certainly don't like it when the ENTIRE toilet paper roll falls onto the disgusting contaminated floor. How can I use dirty toilet paper? Drip dry...or dirty toilet paper...AHHH! Of course my six year old made the situation so much better as she witnessed the whole ordeal. As I hovered and picked the WHOLE roll off the dirty floor, she said, "Now what are you going to do, Mom?". Well, maybe you could get me some CLEAN toilet paper!!! Gawd...you don't even want to know what I did. Yup...that's right. I used the dirty paper. I am disgusted with myself.

I may have been a wee bit more sensitive yesterday as we were trying to shop and well the swarms of people made my life in particular......miserable. I don't like it when strangers bump into me, brush past me, flip their hair on me or even lean up against me. In fact, Jael wanted to go into the video game store and of course video game stores are small. And the day after boxing day everybody and their dog was shopping in the video game store. Okay maybe not with their dog but their entire family was there and they were all just standing around and brushing up against me. And me and my "don't touch me if I don't know you" philosophy...well...it didn't go over well.

As I fought to exit the store as quickly as possible, a lady asked me if I was in line. Not realizing how angry I was feeling I snapped, "NO, I just want to get out of this freaking store!". It couldn't have been too bad because the people who were pressed up against me (oh God I hated it) started to laugh at me. However, they did clear a path to let me, the germ-psycho, out of the store. So it worked out ok. Then the toilet paper incident happened. And then we left. I was exhausted from all the germs. And I bought shampoo. That's it. Amidst all the amazing sales...I bought shampoo. And as I left, I walked past MMM muffins....very slowily.

After that, we decided to go to Chapters. If I was to die...Chapters would be my heaven (and the bathroom my hell). I know, a nerd to the core. Regardless, I found a great case for me e-reader, a book on running and a "mommy" calendar. And nobody touched me there. Of course, the bathroom was less than desirable but at least the roll stayed on the holder. And well, the lure of Starbucks had a hold on me. And I bowed my knee. I submitted to a cafe mocha. I drank it. All 3/4 of it. It conquered me yesterday. Well, all I can say to the fat monster is this...you may have one that battle but I will win this war!!!! Haaarrrrrrrr!!!

And I don't think I can handle hearing one more person cry to me about how hard it is to avoid food during the holidays. It is hard on us all. And we all win some...and lose some...and gain some. And honestly, why must we demonstrate the lowest and most primitive level of intelligence...what are we children.....give the baby her bottle....or give the fatty her cookie. Oh gawd...I am the fattie who wants the friggin cookie. GAWD...ALL I WANT IS AN OATMEAL CHOCLATE CHIP COOKIE AND I HAVE NOT HAD ONE. NO NOT ONE. AND YES! I AM YELLING!! It all started when I was in playschool. I sat on a nun's knee and she taught me the song..."who stole the cookie from the cookie jar". IT WAS ME! I TOOK YOUR DUMB COOKIE AND I ATE THE WHOLE DAMN THING!

And honestly, there are no excuses!! I am a cookie addict. I need someone to feel sorry for me so I am going to call the "feel sorry for me" hotline....it's 1-888-suck-tit. At least that's what Brad told me. Gawd...Christmas, wine and sweets has turned me into a complete baby. See! See what sugar does. It is evil!! It is the spawn of Satan himself.

To eat or not to eat...why is it always the same frigging question??

New Years Resolutions:

1. Drink less wine.

2. Eat healthy.

3. Drink less wine.

4. Lose 15 lbs by April 30th.

5. Drink less wine.

6. Go to Vegas in May. (NO WINE)

7. Run every other day.

8. Drink less wine.

9. Live for a cause bigger than myself. (not wine)

10. Drink less wine.

11. Build healthy long lasting relationships. (with people, not wine)

12. Start smoking. (Just kidding) Train for marathon in June. So NO COOKIES!

13. Find a new chocolate chip oatmeal cookie recipe.

Wow...that's sad. A single tear rolls down my cheek. Okay...enough of the drama...off to get some groceries. (NOT WINE).

Sincerely,

Chunky

Day 77

Tis the season to be jolly er umm...jiggly....and that is an understatement to say the least. There is a plethora of cookies, cakes, cinnamon buns and treats that have overtaken the office. In fact, since their hostile takeover, they have taken some of my colleagues hostage. The fate of their now ripple free bodies now hangs by a thread. Will they succumb to the lure of the fat monster?? Will the strain of Christmas goodies get the better of them? Will it get the better of me? I think not!!

So far, my record remains unblemished as I have not fallen prey to the countless calories that taunt me daily as I walk past them. They send out an aroma in an attempt to lure me out of my office and into the fat snare. Others that have gone before me have fallen. They fought valiantly but they fell...for the fat monster had overtaken them. And this Christmas, more will stumble, some will be destroyed...but I....I FEAR thee not evil fat monster!! I resist your incessant calls to me. Even in the midnight hour, I turn my face away from the refrigerator. My eyes will not search to and fro looking for something to devour. I will not excavate deep into the bowels of the deep freezer for a cookie. I will not pay attention to your constant cries.

Friends, countrymen, fellow fat slayers, lend me your ear. The fat monster cries out, but we will not listen. We will fight!! The fat monster will try to take our bodies, our health and our lives...but we will not bend...we will not bow and it will never..... have........ our freedom!

Voice over:(Look at me....ah yes.....even in the heat of the calorie battle, I remain strong....regal.....honorable...........I want a cookie. Chocolate chip oatmeal...mmmm).

Okay...I know...way over the top. But I must get pumped up for the "eating marathon" that starts on December 24th. When did our culture get so wrapped up in food? Do we really need it at every occasion? And why the excess...whatever happened to just enough. More than enough creates excess....a moment on the lips...a lifetime on the hips. IS IT REALLY WORTH IT? Voice Over: (Oh gawd...a chocolate chip cookie would SO be worth it right now.)

Anyways, I hit the gym tonight. I just got back actually. And since I don't want to bore you with the details....(did I mention the recumbent bike is absolutely the most boring exercise ever? I'd rather sit in a grade 9 geography class!!)...nothing was out of the ordinary. Well, with the exception of the gigantic pools of sweat that showed up on my lower back and ass....what do the kids these days call it...oh yes.....swass....and then there is swoob...but that one is pretty self-explanatory. I wondered why the one guy looked at me funny when I passed him. I was feeling bold, beautiful and b#$chn'. However, clearly I was not....I looked like I sat in a puddle of water...I was clearly suffering from a nasty case of swass, swoob and sweat....sigh...and the color of my gym pants announced it to the world!!! Of course, I only noticed it when I looked over my shoulder into the mirror on my way OUT of the gym. I'm going to tell you this....who ever is taking locker 81 has no idea what I go through when she takes it. I look forward to the day when I catch her putting her things in my locker.....oh yeah....it ain't over until the fat lady sings. That's right...it's all over but the cryin'!!! You fight with the bull.....YOU get the horns!! (Voice Over: What I really want....is a cookie).

Night!!!

Chunky :)

Day 71: Baroness Chunky Monkey

I just looked at the calendar and realized that Christmas is next week. OMG!! How did that happen? Thank God our Christmas tree is up and decorated. I can get my gifts wrapped tonight right after I squeeze the gym in. Ahh...who has time for working out this time of year?! There is no rest for the wicked! I am starting to wonder if I am wicked...as I have no rest. Is it really Christmas?

Do you ever wonder if your life is like Truman's? You know...the whole world is watching and you have no clue. Right at that moment when you pick your nose or I sneak that bite of a cookie.....are there hidden cameras watching my every move??? I don't actually pick my nose. Well, I guess we all do at some point but I don't have to admit that. You know what they say...you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose but you can't pick your friend's nose. Just a little fyi for you.

Joanne and I pulled in late last night after fighting the fog, white knuckling the steering wheel and praying that the good Lord spare our lives. Okay...she white knuckled the steering wheel and I prayed that the good Lord would spare my life. I know...completely selfish...I know....but I didn't want to die. And since we only had two rules on the weekend....#1 No one is allowed to die. #2 No one is allowed to be stressed out....well...I wanted to follow the rules.

Regardless of how stressful the drive home was...I saw something brilliant when the fog cleared. We have Christmas lights on our house this year!!! Wooo! Joanne and I pulled into the drive way of my home and we both stared in awe. After staring for a moment, we turned and looked at each other and well...we had a good laugh. My husband put up lights for me. And I am thrilled that he was so thoughtful in doing so. They are perfect!! And even though the color scheme does not exist, the way in which they are draped over the garage door is questionable and the tangled extension cord that is wrapped around my outdoor light makes the whole lighting experience somewhat "Charlie Brown Christmas Tree-ish"....I still love it. It's worth the drive by...lol. Joanne thinks it's special.

The weekend was great but I am afraid of the damage that was done from the chocolate buffet at our five-star hotel. I don't want to weigh in tomorrow. AHHH! But, It was glorious!! I was sick after but it was definitely worth it. And who can forget Marga!! Marga was a really cute little lady that we met in the Vancouver airport. She is from Germany and was tickled pink that my Grandmother's name was Van Asselstine. So, you may all call me baroness Chunky Monkey next time you see me! (Isn't Marga cute? She was one of the sweetest ladies I have ever met. I love old people! And please, no comments from the peanut gallery).

Tom Cruise was apparently staying at our hotel while we were there. I looked for him so that I could accidentally bump into him and then snub him and act like I didn't know him. I've always wanted to do that to a star. Actually, just him. That didn't happen though.

And the snobby flight attendant on our flight home left her jacket and "wings" on the seat next to Joanne. I grabbed it and contemplated putting it on and handing out drinks. However, Joanne said she would not wait for me at the airport if they arrested me for impersonating a flight attendant. I then thought I would put it on and sing Tommy Boy's infamous song...."fat guy in a little coat". But Joanne was not in support of that idea either. What are they going to do....arrest me?? She explained later that she was worried that the snobby flight attendant would not find my stunt funny and would ultimately hurt my feelings by saying something mean. Whatever Jo!! ;) So that didn't happen either.

While in Vancouver, I found the most amazing sneakers on Robson Street. I told the shoe sales lady that I thought they would be great at work. The sales lady was horrified and said I could NOT wear my shoes to work specially if I was wearing dress pants. I explained to her that I thought it would look good. She told me that my boss probably wouldn't like it. I told her that I was the boss and I can wear whatever the hell I want! (snicker)

I love sneakers. I think I am going to buy a pair for every day of the week. And I will have you know that I wore them to work today....with dress pants. And yes!!! I met with clients today. My sneakers didn't seem to bother them one bit. And my feet felt great. I could run up and down the stairs, skip and even jog across the icy street. I love sneakers. Besides, I feel good in them and no one is going to tell this chunky what she can and cannot where. (Look at the pics...you can see my awesome sneaks!!) You can also see how my shirt is gaping open because they don't make button up shirts for women who have boobs! Thank you Mexx!!! Get some models with boobs...some of us have them you know!

This Saturday is Christmas at my Mom's house. Thank you God that our meal is on a cheat day. My Mom has baked chocolate chip cookies for me!!! Woooo!!! And all these years I thought she didn't love me. I was so wrong. There is nothing better than homemade chocolate chip oatmeal cookies. And oh yes....they must have oatmeal in them in order for me to eat them. I can't wait. I also can't believe that I am more excited about cookies than the turkey.

On a more serious note, after school today, Jael asked me if they really do put dead people in boxes in the ground. She thinks it's weird. She is right into the Christmas spirit alright! I have no idea where that came from but I do have to agree...it is kind of weird. She also told me in the next sentence that we cannot have a fire in the fireplace on Christmas Eve because Santa will burn his butt. This is coming from the child who told me that Santa wasn't real only a week ago. What I want to know is why I am only finding this out now? Santa isn't real? WTH? Who the heck has been eating all of my cookies all these years? No! I am quite serious!! I want my cookies back!! RIGHT NOW!

Regardless, Santa is not a good example for my kids. He is over weight, he has poor fashion sense (he's been wearing the same outfit since I was a kid), he is hard on the reindeer (but I guess he is trying to be green), he lives on cookies and he supports elf labour. Tell me, does the North Pole have a gym? And if it does, does Santa ever use it? I think NOT!!

Personally, I like the grinch. Why? Because like him, I think I have a heart that is two sizes too small....I am not in the Christmas spirit this year. If I hear one more Christmas Carol in the store...I may snap and throw christmas oranges at the FAKE Santa who has been eating all of my amazing cookies all these years. And yesterday in Ikea, the Christmas Carol that was sung slightly faster than normal actually made Joanne unpack her cart faster. The song was super annoying...but watching Joanne was one of the funniest things I have ever seen in Ikea. Of course, I sobered right up after the cashier told me what my total came too. ANYWAYS, there is still hope because the Grinch's hear grew...maybe mine can too. I wonder how much weight I will gain when my heart grows? Dammit! Everything is always so complicated. I can't even grow my heart without gaining weight!

After all this cookie talk...the only thing that is going through my head is Cookie Monster's "C" is for cookie song! HEY! Sesame Street has contributed to my weight problem too. Darn you Sesame Street and Barbie!! That's it! I'm calling my lawyer. Right after I get home from the gym.

Happy Fat Monster Head Hunting!! This year will be the first Christmas that I don't gain weight over the Christmas Season. Cheers to that!!!

Andy :)

Joanne is wrapping me knee so that we can shop. Lovely shopping on Robson with a fat knee!

Chocolate Buffet...mmmmmm!

Me...after the chocolate buffet.

Super creepy waitress at Red Robins...yup...she was real...the talking, breathing, heart beating type. Just super duper creepy!!