A Girl's Gotta Do What A Girl's Gotta Do!

Finally, the cold weather has taken a break! Minus 45 is not my idea of a good time. However, the snow seems to blow in the most beautiful patterns across the highway when it is this cold. I sometimes feel mesmerized by the way it twists and swirls...free from restraint. Oh brother, I feel like I am writing a Robert Frost poem and reciting it to a group of sleeping high school students. There is nothing romantic about the dead of winter. When I go outside and my entire body aches from the bitter bite of the cold...I often question why I live here. And when I leave the gym and my damp hair freezes instantly causing me to resemble something similar to Meduca...well...I just don't like the cold. I hate the cold. I despise it. I loathe it entirely.

Of course, it is groundhog day today so maybe he had some good news for us. I don't know why the heck he would even attempt to come out in the friggin' hole in the ground...it is freakin' cold. And just because I am whining about how cold it is I can prove it to you. A couple of our friends did an experiment...check this out! (Ryan...you are truly one of Swift Current's Rock Stars and I still disagree...Justin Timberlake is not groovy)

So, with the bitter bite of cold and the sun shining directly in my face at this moment, I must tell you that I got my body comp results back!! And well...to date...I have lost 20lbs of fat! So, I am feeling pretty good about that. My trainer tells me my new program is going to challenge me quite a bit. I thought the old program challenged me quite a bit!! So, I am totally going to die now!! More buffeting my flesh. And when I say that...I am not referring to a buffet....although, that would be really nice right now.

After my last post, I got an interesting email yesterday. A friend of mine emailed me and this is what she said and I quote, "I just got back from the gym and had to dry my undies under the hand

blower...does that count as a good workout!" OMG!! Of course, I howled as this is the most hysterical thing I heard all day. Of course, I am a very visual person and the image in my head was quite entertaining. And I can't help but ask...what the hell were you wearing while you were drying your undies under the hand dryer??? Dear Lord...please tell me you had a towel wrapped around you. Although, standing in the buff drying underwear makes it all the more funny. And honestly, if I walked into the change rooms at the gym and saw that...I would probably hug the person for doing it as I am sure I would laugh long and hard. Of course, I wouldn't hug them if they were naked...ahhhh....whatever. It's freakin' funny. Seriously though, this is one of the funniest things I have ever heard. But I guess dry sweaty undies is better than wet sweaty undies. I think I would have just gone commando! Yes, that's right...commando. It's not something I do regularly however, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do! And sometimes, a girl just has to dry her undies under the hand blower, go commando or pee in the shower.

Don't get me wrong. I DO NOT pee in the shower. But another one of my friends told me yesterday that she has actually peed in the shower! She doesn't do it on a regular basis...but she did do it once! LOL KRAZY!! Oh and the stories did not end there but in order to keep this blog rated PG...I am going to stop while I am ahead.

With all that said, I am pumped and ready to go hard at the gym. My trainer is watching...she's always watching. And I have to say, she really encouraged me last night and I am all ready to kick the chunky monkey in the a$$. And our first episode of Chunky Monkey TV is coming out next week...oh dear Lord...

Anyways, I have to get some work done or the boss is going to get on me about slacking off at work again....wait a minute...I am the boss! .

Chunky :)

Day 85: To eat or not to eat...that is the question!!

The Christmas eating marathon is over!! Christmas hangover is in full swing!!! If I see one more bun, roll or decadent dessert I think I will...umm...err....eat it!! Christmas really is the time of year where one can literally eat themselves into a coma. It's funny how a holiday that is supposed to be 'holy' is the very holiday where we over spend and act like glutton's. That kind of behavior kind of takes the 'holy' out of it. Unless you use the word in reference to how you feel after....holy crap...I am sick of food. Or...holy! I feel like crap! Or...holy! Look at all the crap we have to put away.

The tree is down, the desserts have been consumed, the wine is locked away and the training begins. I am now beginning phase II of my "new life". I was down to 156 lbs before Christmas and I have been too scared to see the damage on the scale. I've lost ten pounds since the beginning of my chunky monkey battle. So that means...15 more pounds to go. SIGH. I will wait until tomorrow to weigh in. Heaven help me. Don't get me wrong...my eating was okay...not perfect but pretty darn good...I was just inactive...to say the least. And I can blame it on the fact that both of my adorable little angels had oozing, pussing, disgusting eye infections or I can blame it on the fact that the gym was closed...regardless of the reason why....chunky monkey was just not fat slaying. More like fat storing.

We had a great time in Regina yesterday however, every time I use a public washroom something horrible happens and I then feel the need to tell you about it. I know I can't blog about my ugly public bathroom experiences all the time but I can't help it. For me, the public bathroom is the most despicable place on the planet. And I certainly don't like it when the ENTIRE toilet paper roll falls onto the disgusting contaminated floor. How can I use dirty toilet paper? Drip dry...or dirty toilet paper...AHHH! Of course my six year old made the situation so much better as she witnessed the whole ordeal. As I hovered and picked the WHOLE roll off the dirty floor, she said, "Now what are you going to do, Mom?". Well, maybe you could get me some CLEAN toilet paper!!! Gawd...you don't even want to know what I did. Yup...that's right. I used the dirty paper. I am disgusted with myself.

I may have been a wee bit more sensitive yesterday as we were trying to shop and well the swarms of people made my life in particular......miserable. I don't like it when strangers bump into me, brush past me, flip their hair on me or even lean up against me. In fact, Jael wanted to go into the video game store and of course video game stores are small. And the day after boxing day everybody and their dog was shopping in the video game store. Okay maybe not with their dog but their entire family was there and they were all just standing around and brushing up against me. And me and my "don't touch me if I don't know you" philosophy...well...it didn't go over well.

As I fought to exit the store as quickly as possible, a lady asked me if I was in line. Not realizing how angry I was feeling I snapped, "NO, I just want to get out of this freaking store!". It couldn't have been too bad because the people who were pressed up against me (oh God I hated it) started to laugh at me. However, they did clear a path to let me, the germ-psycho, out of the store. So it worked out ok. Then the toilet paper incident happened. And then we left. I was exhausted from all the germs. And I bought shampoo. That's it. Amidst all the amazing sales...I bought shampoo. And as I left, I walked past MMM muffins....very slowily.

After that, we decided to go to Chapters. If I was to die...Chapters would be my heaven (and the bathroom my hell). I know, a nerd to the core. Regardless, I found a great case for me e-reader, a book on running and a "mommy" calendar. And nobody touched me there. Of course, the bathroom was less than desirable but at least the roll stayed on the holder. And well, the lure of Starbucks had a hold on me. And I bowed my knee. I submitted to a cafe mocha. I drank it. All 3/4 of it. It conquered me yesterday. Well, all I can say to the fat monster is this...you may have one that battle but I will win this war!!!! Haaarrrrrrrr!!!

And I don't think I can handle hearing one more person cry to me about how hard it is to avoid food during the holidays. It is hard on us all. And we all win some...and lose some...and gain some. And honestly, why must we demonstrate the lowest and most primitive level of intelligence...what are we children.....give the baby her bottle....or give the fatty her cookie. Oh gawd...I am the fattie who wants the friggin cookie. GAWD...ALL I WANT IS AN OATMEAL CHOCLATE CHIP COOKIE AND I HAVE NOT HAD ONE. NO NOT ONE. AND YES! I AM YELLING!! It all started when I was in playschool. I sat on a nun's knee and she taught me the song..."who stole the cookie from the cookie jar". IT WAS ME! I TOOK YOUR DUMB COOKIE AND I ATE THE WHOLE DAMN THING!

And honestly, there are no excuses!! I am a cookie addict. I need someone to feel sorry for me so I am going to call the "feel sorry for me" hotline....it's 1-888-suck-tit. At least that's what Brad told me. Gawd...Christmas, wine and sweets has turned me into a complete baby. See! See what sugar does. It is evil!! It is the spawn of Satan himself.

To eat or not to eat...why is it always the same frigging question??

New Years Resolutions:

1. Drink less wine.

2. Eat healthy.

3. Drink less wine.

4. Lose 15 lbs by April 30th.

5. Drink less wine.

6. Go to Vegas in May. (NO WINE)

7. Run every other day.

8. Drink less wine.

9. Live for a cause bigger than myself. (not wine)

10. Drink less wine.

11. Build healthy long lasting relationships. (with people, not wine)

12. Start smoking. (Just kidding) Train for marathon in June. So NO COOKIES!

13. Find a new chocolate chip oatmeal cookie recipe.

Wow...that's sad. A single tear rolls down my cheek. Okay...enough of the drama...off to get some groceries. (NOT WINE).

Sincerely,

Chunky

Day 71: Baroness Chunky Monkey

I just looked at the calendar and realized that Christmas is next week. OMG!! How did that happen? Thank God our Christmas tree is up and decorated. I can get my gifts wrapped tonight right after I squeeze the gym in. Ahh...who has time for working out this time of year?! There is no rest for the wicked! I am starting to wonder if I am wicked...as I have no rest. Is it really Christmas?

Do you ever wonder if your life is like Truman's? You know...the whole world is watching and you have no clue. Right at that moment when you pick your nose or I sneak that bite of a cookie.....are there hidden cameras watching my every move??? I don't actually pick my nose. Well, I guess we all do at some point but I don't have to admit that. You know what they say...you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose but you can't pick your friend's nose. Just a little fyi for you.

Joanne and I pulled in late last night after fighting the fog, white knuckling the steering wheel and praying that the good Lord spare our lives. Okay...she white knuckled the steering wheel and I prayed that the good Lord would spare my life. I know...completely selfish...I know....but I didn't want to die. And since we only had two rules on the weekend....#1 No one is allowed to die. #2 No one is allowed to be stressed out....well...I wanted to follow the rules.

Regardless of how stressful the drive home was...I saw something brilliant when the fog cleared. We have Christmas lights on our house this year!!! Wooo! Joanne and I pulled into the drive way of my home and we both stared in awe. After staring for a moment, we turned and looked at each other and well...we had a good laugh. My husband put up lights for me. And I am thrilled that he was so thoughtful in doing so. They are perfect!! And even though the color scheme does not exist, the way in which they are draped over the garage door is questionable and the tangled extension cord that is wrapped around my outdoor light makes the whole lighting experience somewhat "Charlie Brown Christmas Tree-ish"....I still love it. It's worth the drive by...lol. Joanne thinks it's special.

The weekend was great but I am afraid of the damage that was done from the chocolate buffet at our five-star hotel. I don't want to weigh in tomorrow. AHHH! But, It was glorious!! I was sick after but it was definitely worth it. And who can forget Marga!! Marga was a really cute little lady that we met in the Vancouver airport. She is from Germany and was tickled pink that my Grandmother's name was Van Asselstine. So, you may all call me baroness Chunky Monkey next time you see me! (Isn't Marga cute? She was one of the sweetest ladies I have ever met. I love old people! And please, no comments from the peanut gallery).

Tom Cruise was apparently staying at our hotel while we were there. I looked for him so that I could accidentally bump into him and then snub him and act like I didn't know him. I've always wanted to do that to a star. Actually, just him. That didn't happen though.

And the snobby flight attendant on our flight home left her jacket and "wings" on the seat next to Joanne. I grabbed it and contemplated putting it on and handing out drinks. However, Joanne said she would not wait for me at the airport if they arrested me for impersonating a flight attendant. I then thought I would put it on and sing Tommy Boy's infamous song...."fat guy in a little coat". But Joanne was not in support of that idea either. What are they going to do....arrest me?? She explained later that she was worried that the snobby flight attendant would not find my stunt funny and would ultimately hurt my feelings by saying something mean. Whatever Jo!! ;) So that didn't happen either.

While in Vancouver, I found the most amazing sneakers on Robson Street. I told the shoe sales lady that I thought they would be great at work. The sales lady was horrified and said I could NOT wear my shoes to work specially if I was wearing dress pants. I explained to her that I thought it would look good. She told me that my boss probably wouldn't like it. I told her that I was the boss and I can wear whatever the hell I want! (snicker)

I love sneakers. I think I am going to buy a pair for every day of the week. And I will have you know that I wore them to work today....with dress pants. And yes!!! I met with clients today. My sneakers didn't seem to bother them one bit. And my feet felt great. I could run up and down the stairs, skip and even jog across the icy street. I love sneakers. Besides, I feel good in them and no one is going to tell this chunky what she can and cannot where. (Look at the pics...you can see my awesome sneaks!!) You can also see how my shirt is gaping open because they don't make button up shirts for women who have boobs! Thank you Mexx!!! Get some models with boobs...some of us have them you know!

This Saturday is Christmas at my Mom's house. Thank you God that our meal is on a cheat day. My Mom has baked chocolate chip cookies for me!!! Woooo!!! And all these years I thought she didn't love me. I was so wrong. There is nothing better than homemade chocolate chip oatmeal cookies. And oh yes....they must have oatmeal in them in order for me to eat them. I can't wait. I also can't believe that I am more excited about cookies than the turkey.

On a more serious note, after school today, Jael asked me if they really do put dead people in boxes in the ground. She thinks it's weird. She is right into the Christmas spirit alright! I have no idea where that came from but I do have to agree...it is kind of weird. She also told me in the next sentence that we cannot have a fire in the fireplace on Christmas Eve because Santa will burn his butt. This is coming from the child who told me that Santa wasn't real only a week ago. What I want to know is why I am only finding this out now? Santa isn't real? WTH? Who the heck has been eating all of my cookies all these years? No! I am quite serious!! I want my cookies back!! RIGHT NOW!

Regardless, Santa is not a good example for my kids. He is over weight, he has poor fashion sense (he's been wearing the same outfit since I was a kid), he is hard on the reindeer (but I guess he is trying to be green), he lives on cookies and he supports elf labour. Tell me, does the North Pole have a gym? And if it does, does Santa ever use it? I think NOT!!

Personally, I like the grinch. Why? Because like him, I think I have a heart that is two sizes too small....I am not in the Christmas spirit this year. If I hear one more Christmas Carol in the store...I may snap and throw christmas oranges at the FAKE Santa who has been eating all of my amazing cookies all these years. And yesterday in Ikea, the Christmas Carol that was sung slightly faster than normal actually made Joanne unpack her cart faster. The song was super annoying...but watching Joanne was one of the funniest things I have ever seen in Ikea. Of course, I sobered right up after the cashier told me what my total came too. ANYWAYS, there is still hope because the Grinch's hear grew...maybe mine can too. I wonder how much weight I will gain when my heart grows? Dammit! Everything is always so complicated. I can't even grow my heart without gaining weight!

After all this cookie talk...the only thing that is going through my head is Cookie Monster's "C" is for cookie song! HEY! Sesame Street has contributed to my weight problem too. Darn you Sesame Street and Barbie!! That's it! I'm calling my lawyer. Right after I get home from the gym.

Happy Fat Monster Head Hunting!! This year will be the first Christmas that I don't gain weight over the Christmas Season. Cheers to that!!!

Andy :)

Joanne is wrapping me knee so that we can shop. Lovely shopping on Robson with a fat knee!

Chocolate Buffet...mmmmmm!

Me...after the chocolate buffet.

Super creepy waitress at Red Robins...yup...she was real...the talking, breathing, heart beating type. Just super duper creepy!!