Chunky Monkey Episode 3

Chunky Monkey wears a bathing suit...UGGGG!!!

Floor Hockey Princess Needs Tigerblood

What was I thinking? After receiving a desperate plead for help in the form of a text message at 11 pm Friday night, I agreed to brutalize my body all for the sake of a floor hockey tournament. It would have been okay if it was a women's league however, I hit the floor hockey floor with a mixture of mostly men and a few women. When I walked into the gymnasium at 9:30 Saturday morning....I realized what I had actually agreed to. Upon seeing the gigantic men and seasoned hockey women grace the ball hockey floor....I quivered with fear.

Having no choice, I had to play. I was tossed a Superman shirt and a sweaty hockey glove. I opted out of the sweaty hockey glove. And only one word comes to mind at the stench of the worn, disgusting, full of some boy's hand sweat.....EWWWWW!! I couldn't do it. It was swarming with bacteria and I would not subject my princess hand to the likes of it.

We lost our first game. It was discouraging to say the least. However, we made a huge come back in our second game and it raised our spirits enough to kick some butt on the gymnasium floor. I only bruised my thumb, arm, elbow, knee, shins and rib cage. And I only fell to ground once after bouncing off of a huge man who didn't even notice my princess body bounce off of him. The elbow to the nose did not draw any blood so I bounced back from that pretty good too.

After losing our first game, their star female player came over to talk to me. After cheering me up and giving me a pep talk...she called me a princess. GASP! I was horrified and tried to explain to her that I was beating the chunky monkey in me, worked out very diligently, ate well and would be running a half marathon. So I am NO princess. (I have some princess qualities but I am not one. I swear to you!) She then told me that I was a princess on the ball hockey floor. BUT.....BUT if I got a goal in our fourth game, she would remove my princess status and give me hard core hockey girl status. I had only known this girl in the heat of a ball hockey game and a few minutes on the sidelines and she had already tapped in to how I am motivated.

So, after four, 40-minute ball hockey games....in which my lungs burned, thighs quivered and butt hurt....I wished I had declined the invitation to play!! However, we WON the C-side and we were awarded some pretty non-princess type toques. I wanted to smoke the girl who hacked the heck out of my shins and of course pummel the guy who hit a slap shot at close range right into my rib cage (there is still a large bruise and welt)...but the good news is.....my team prevailed. AND....I got a goal at which point the seasoned female hockey veteran ran over to me, high-fived me and donned me with the high honor of floor hockey goddess!!!

The bad news...my body is hurting so bad I couldn't get to the gym Sunday or yesterday...but today....I am on it. I still can't bend over, my back hurts, my butt hurts, my calves hurt...actually the only thing that doesn't hurt is my head. And I am a rainbow of colors from all my bruises. I think I want to be a princess again. Or I would be cool with being Lady Gaga too!! Maybe I need some of that #tigerblood Charlie Sheen was talking about!!

Back to the gym....ughhh.

Andy :)

Woe is me!

Happy Valentine's Day to all of you. With that said, I am feeling very anxious as this is the third day in a row that I have been sick.........in the morning. I didn't think much of it...until of course...today!

Early this morning, I frantically wrote out valentine's cards with my girls so that they had something to share with their classmates (I know...mother of the year). Jael set her alarm for 6:45 am just so she could get a head start. By the time I got out of the shower, she was 3/4 of the way finished.

So Eden and I wrote them out as fast as possible. As I sat there with my innocent 8 year old...I struggled to keep some horrible memories out of my head. Looking at her innocence and purity, it is hard to believe she said what she said.

A LONG time ago...she sort of accidentally interupted Brad and I. She opened the door and without even flinching (we were involved but not exposed...get your minds out of the gutter) she said, "oh...you guys are sexing. Trying to make a baby eh? No problem with me". Then she closed the door and left. I of course crawled into the fetal position and contemplated suicide. TOTAL mood killer. Brad laughed. I died. And the evening came to an abrupt end. And all her comments flooded into my head as we sat at the table this morning...how come she didn't flinch...my innocent little baby girl didn't even flinch. AHHH! I don't know what spurred the memory....but it made for a stressful morning. (Note: This happened a long long long time ago. Just thought you should know that.)

Giving my head a shake so I could focus and not re-live the horror, I got their skates, helmets, lunches and backpacks ready and sent them out the door. It was a race to get ready today!! Of course, when I was finally ready...the dog decided he was not going into his kennel so I played "cat and mouse" or rather "fat lady chasing irritating little dog" for 15 minutes. Finally, arriving at work, I started up the stairs to my office. It was then that it hit me. OMG!!! Please oh please oh please...I hope I just have the flu and nothing else!! If I am sick again tomorrow...well...I will just try to not think the worst. Ugggh!! Maybe that's why I am craving cookies...AHHHHH!!! (off to the pharmacy for a test!) Maybe I am just taking this too far....relax Chunky...you probably just have the flu...stop thinking the worst....(sniff, sniff, sob, sob) I never exaggerate....ever.

Anyways, I missed my run yesterday as I was...umm...not feeling well. I did feel much better by late afternoon and hit the hockey game with Brad. Of course, he ate a rink burger and fries right in front of me. This is probably the first time that I didn't long for the greasy disgustingness of a rink burger and fries as he indulged beside me. My stomach is not itself...I guess that's a good thing...I think. Hopefully all the vomiting will result in some weight-loss. I guess you could say (thank you Mark) that I am only two flus away from my goal weight!

This week, I will have to squeeze my big run in. Uggh! And the week is crazy to say the least. And my chest is sore...and my stomach is upset....and I'm grumpy. Oh and did I mention that much to my surprise...I have arm pit fat!!! Who the heck makes the bras these days?! Gawd...no wonder I stand in front of the mirror in the morning crying and scowling at my sagging aging body. Every girl at some point in her life has to face the fact that she has back fat, arm pit fat and well...gravity is starting to show it's effects. I blame it on breast feeding a baby or two...it completely destroys your body. Or is it age? Or is it both? Come on girls...you were once perkier...PERK UP!!

Wow!! I am a complete optimist today. What can I say...it's Monday! Off to the gym later to work chest (oh the irony of this) and biceps...as hard as possible so that I can moan and groan as I soak in my tub of very hot water and bath salts while hoping that I am not "with child". All for the sake of beauty!!! Okay...not beauty...but for health. For feeling better. For being a good example. My trainer tells me that working my chest will keep me perky. WELL, I AM ALREADY LOSING THE PERKY BATTLE...AHHHH! Woe is me!!!

Okay...rant over. Happy Cupid's Day!

Sincerely, Chunky.

Give me a cookie!!!!!

Sleepless in Swifty

Not one wink of sleep for me last night! I was sleepless in Swifty. However, it wasn't a night where I wrestled with something in my head. I spent most of the night just thinking about my relationships and how much I appreciate my support group. And yes, I am sentimental so it kept me awake...all night. Each hour passed and I reflected on what I have learned even in the last week. When I consider the people God has brought into my life...just for me...I count myself blessed over and above all I could hope, think or ask for. My sleep was not a cold, restless, sleepless night...more like a warm, whole, restful, sleepless night. Krazy...I know. But so true!

My entire journey that began three years ago has completely erupted into a mobius strip experience. I feel like the prisoner who left Plato's Cave for the first time. It's as if one day...I 'woke up'...metaphorically speaking. My life has more meaning, depth, love and peace today than it ever has. I have also felt more pain than ever before as I face things that I have avoided for a very long time. But I am moving past the former things and I will not dwell on things that have been taken from me. This is absolutely crucial in defeating the chunky monkey in me. Why? Because the more comfortable I am with myself, the more I can reach out to those around me and the end result is fulfillment and contentment. That is something a chocolate chip cookie or glass of wine can NEVER give me.

One day the following will be in my book...if I ever get around to writing it...I wrote this last year...it's scribbled down on a piece of paper from the Sutton Place Hotel in Vancouver...I am going to keep it...it's tattered and torn...but so much a piece of who I am. Read on...

Love. Intentional demonstrations of love that we consciously integrate into our everyday interactions with the people we value, produce platonic, intimate and long lasting relationships. Allowing ourselves to love, be loved and be vulnerable creates an atmosphere conducive to nurturing a deeper level of relationship. Ultimately, intimacy in its purest form results in feelings of purpose and fulfillment in both the giver and receiver.

The definition of love must be consistent with both the giver and the receiver in order to maintain a healthy understanding of one another. Managing interrogations of each individual if discrepancies exist is the heartbeat of the relationship, adds value and depth to it. The response from each individual will determine the ultimate overall success of the relationship. The giver and receiver must be able to alternate roles and have mutual understanding of one another.

However, love in its truest measure is unconditional and cannot be limited to "taking turns". Love then becomes an extension of oneself while expecting nor requiring anything in return. Thus we understand that love is not based on conditions or approval, nor is it earned. It is not withheld when 'wrongs' are committed. It is in that moment that the extension of love and understanding removes the stain of guilt, regret, shame and dishonor.

Love freely given and freely received produces "fruit" in our lives. In other words, giving and receiving must both occur in order to yield a "bumper crop" of love and acceptance. If the interaction contains both giving and receiving in alternating existence, a whole new level of love will be experienced.

I am learning what it means to...love. Myself, my family, my friends. Sometimes we lose things in our life...BUT God has a way of bringing them back to us. They are always in a different package...and they are always a surprise...but there is no better way to give a gift unless it is both a surprise and in a unique package...right?

Andy :)

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

TaTa Tamer

Today was another exciting day filming some chunky monkey tv. The irony of all this is that it is incredibly difficult to to eat on time, drink enough water and fit "gym time" into my day. My trainer did have a bit of fun with me today when she recommended that I buy a TaTa Tamer for LuLu Lemon. Why in the heck would she say that? What you sayin' beeeotch? LOL. I guess she thinks my TaTa's need to be tamed!!

And as much as say how buff and scary my trainer is...I need you to know that she is the sweetest lady. She is so encouraging and she is definitely fascinating. She was one of Swift Current's 5 most fascinating people for 2010. So, for me, it is quite an honor to have a trainer who is a professional body builder and is an all around amazing person. You rock, Lyris!!

So after 3 hours of filming at the gym today, I went to the locker room to get changed. It was then that I realized that George (the producer) had lost my key to my locker. He of course was really upset about it. I wasn't upset a bit. I was just going through blackberry withdrawl. Three hours...no blackberry...AHHH! And now the key is gone. However, George found it. Poor guy felt really bad. I wasn't upset...what's the worst that can happen...we have to bust the lock. No biggie!! However, I had almost 40 emails to catch up on. YIKES!! Not a good feeling.

Anyways, I haven't had a break all day. So, I am going to eat, sit back in my chair at the office, listen to some tunes and try and take a rest before my next meeting. Tomorrow brings a whole new collection of experiences for chunky monkey tv. Oh gawd...this will be my ultimate test. Did I mention I have to fit the gym in.

I want a cookie so bad right now!!!!!

Andy:)

A Girl's Gotta Do What A Girl's Gotta Do!

Finally, the cold weather has taken a break! Minus 45 is not my idea of a good time. However, the snow seems to blow in the most beautiful patterns across the highway when it is this cold. I sometimes feel mesmerized by the way it twists and swirls...free from restraint. Oh brother, I feel like I am writing a Robert Frost poem and reciting it to a group of sleeping high school students. There is nothing romantic about the dead of winter. When I go outside and my entire body aches from the bitter bite of the cold...I often question why I live here. And when I leave the gym and my damp hair freezes instantly causing me to resemble something similar to Meduca...well...I just don't like the cold. I hate the cold. I despise it. I loathe it entirely.

Of course, it is groundhog day today so maybe he had some good news for us. I don't know why the heck he would even attempt to come out in the friggin' hole in the ground...it is freakin' cold. And just because I am whining about how cold it is I can prove it to you. A couple of our friends did an experiment...check this out! (Ryan...you are truly one of Swift Current's Rock Stars and I still disagree...Justin Timberlake is not groovy)

So, with the bitter bite of cold and the sun shining directly in my face at this moment, I must tell you that I got my body comp results back!! And well...to date...I have lost 20lbs of fat! So, I am feeling pretty good about that. My trainer tells me my new program is going to challenge me quite a bit. I thought the old program challenged me quite a bit!! So, I am totally going to die now!! More buffeting my flesh. And when I say that...I am not referring to a buffet....although, that would be really nice right now.

After my last post, I got an interesting email yesterday. A friend of mine emailed me and this is what she said and I quote, "I just got back from the gym and had to dry my undies under the hand

blower...does that count as a good workout!" OMG!! Of course, I howled as this is the most hysterical thing I heard all day. Of course, I am a very visual person and the image in my head was quite entertaining. And I can't help but ask...what the hell were you wearing while you were drying your undies under the hand dryer??? Dear Lord...please tell me you had a towel wrapped around you. Although, standing in the buff drying underwear makes it all the more funny. And honestly, if I walked into the change rooms at the gym and saw that...I would probably hug the person for doing it as I am sure I would laugh long and hard. Of course, I wouldn't hug them if they were naked...ahhhh....whatever. It's freakin' funny. Seriously though, this is one of the funniest things I have ever heard. But I guess dry sweaty undies is better than wet sweaty undies. I think I would have just gone commando! Yes, that's right...commando. It's not something I do regularly however, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do! And sometimes, a girl just has to dry her undies under the hand blower, go commando or pee in the shower.

Don't get me wrong. I DO NOT pee in the shower. But another one of my friends told me yesterday that she has actually peed in the shower! She doesn't do it on a regular basis...but she did do it once! LOL KRAZY!! Oh and the stories did not end there but in order to keep this blog rated PG...I am going to stop while I am ahead.

With all that said, I am pumped and ready to go hard at the gym. My trainer is watching...she's always watching. And I have to say, she really encouraged me last night and I am all ready to kick the chunky monkey in the a$$. And our first episode of Chunky Monkey TV is coming out next week...oh dear Lord...

Anyways, I have to get some work done or the boss is going to get on me about slacking off at work again....wait a minute...I am the boss! .

Chunky :)

Day 95: A Pretty Butterfly

In the dead of winter...a small fly made an emergency landing in my mug of water. Water encompassed the little guy and he struggled to free him self. The more he tried to break free the deeper he sank in to the deep dark Starbucks mug. The water engulfed him and he had no strength left in him to fight. He gave in and breathed his last. (Do flies breathe?) Then I filled my mouth with vitamins, not noticing the dead carcass floating in my water and placed my lips on the edge of the mug. Tipping my mug back, my eye caught something dark....and right before it entered my mouth I pulled back...and gagged and spit...a little. By now my saliva had started to breakdown the capsules of vitality in my mouth and the bitter flavor of disgusting health over took my taste buds. Is today Monday??

I weighed myself this morning. I gained 1 pound over Christmas and New Year's. Yup...it's definitely feeling like a Monday. Amazingly, I don't feel bad about it. The pound will be gone within a day or too as I am working very hard at the gym these days. Also, Aunt Flo is due for a visit and I am always up a pound or two when she is around. Gawd I hate her.

Yesterday was a great day at the gym. I worked on legs and my knee held out very very well. So, I am pleased to say the least. However, my butt is incredibly sore today and even my chair is not providing the comfort I feel like I need. It's good though...maybe I'm on my way to getting accused of being a hard ass. Sadly, I will no longer be doing leg extensions as they are hard on my knee. I am disappointed about this as I was lifting a full 130 lbs (which is the full body weight of some of my friends) and I wanted to see how high I could actually go. That could be the reason why I have a bit of a knee problem.

The good news is that I discovered something about myself last night. I can still do a full bridge, hold it and then gracefully descend to the floor. It provides me with an amazing stretch and it feels so good! So, it will become part of my daily stretches. Also, I am still able to do a cartwheel and a round-off so I am feeling pretty good about that. And yes, I can prove it. I just did one here in my office. Joanne looked a little frightened but I didn't end up crashing into anything and landed on my feet. Maybe being 32 isn't so bad.

Yesterday, Jo was horrified with me. She thinks I am living dangerously and should really consider some of the risks I am taking. I understand her concerns, but it is after all my life. And I will do whatever the hell I want. I don't see what the big deal is but I guess it is important to put a return address on the letters I send out. Yup...that's what I did. I know your mouths are probably hanging open and you are horrified knowing the risk I have taken. That's right, I sent out letters with no return address. It's an incredible risk, I know...but that's how you live life on the wild side. That's my way of saying yesterday was a pretty average day. Nothing too out of the ordinary for me.

Well, with the exception of the nice looking lad who accidentally kicked his water bottle over at the gym yesterday. I think he would have been less embarrassed if had not been full, had not sprayed everywhere and if it had not happened right in front of me. I tried not to laugh or even smile...but I couldn't help it. He seemed even more embarrassed when I helped him clean it up. LOL....big tough macho man....all embarrassed....it was lovely to see.

To top it all off, I had a conversation with a colleague. Upon leaving, my colleague thanked me for the visit and said to me..."You have ADD, don't you". I sheepishly admitted that I may have some slight challenges. He then explained to me that he did too and that is why he realized how severely affected I am by it. LOL!! He did make me feel better by telling me that people with ADD are just aware of every single thing going on around them. Nicely said!! I've found great ways to cope thanks to Jo and her Mom. However, I still have not gotten a body sock or weighted vest. Jo...you promised!! And you promised to make short bread cookies too! Occasionally Jo will pull on my arms or push on my head if I am out of control...LOL...nothing feels better. Hey look.....there's a pretty butterfly.

CHEAT DAY TOMORROW!!!! WOOOOOO!

Andy:)

My cryptonite.

Day 85: To eat or not to eat...that is the question!!

The Christmas eating marathon is over!! Christmas hangover is in full swing!!! If I see one more bun, roll or decadent dessert I think I will...umm...err....eat it!! Christmas really is the time of year where one can literally eat themselves into a coma. It's funny how a holiday that is supposed to be 'holy' is the very holiday where we over spend and act like glutton's. That kind of behavior kind of takes the 'holy' out of it. Unless you use the word in reference to how you feel after....holy crap...I am sick of food. Or...holy! I feel like crap! Or...holy! Look at all the crap we have to put away.

The tree is down, the desserts have been consumed, the wine is locked away and the training begins. I am now beginning phase II of my "new life". I was down to 156 lbs before Christmas and I have been too scared to see the damage on the scale. I've lost ten pounds since the beginning of my chunky monkey battle. So that means...15 more pounds to go. SIGH. I will wait until tomorrow to weigh in. Heaven help me. Don't get me wrong...my eating was okay...not perfect but pretty darn good...I was just inactive...to say the least. And I can blame it on the fact that both of my adorable little angels had oozing, pussing, disgusting eye infections or I can blame it on the fact that the gym was closed...regardless of the reason why....chunky monkey was just not fat slaying. More like fat storing.

We had a great time in Regina yesterday however, every time I use a public washroom something horrible happens and I then feel the need to tell you about it. I know I can't blog about my ugly public bathroom experiences all the time but I can't help it. For me, the public bathroom is the most despicable place on the planet. And I certainly don't like it when the ENTIRE toilet paper roll falls onto the disgusting contaminated floor. How can I use dirty toilet paper? Drip dry...or dirty toilet paper...AHHH! Of course my six year old made the situation so much better as she witnessed the whole ordeal. As I hovered and picked the WHOLE roll off the dirty floor, she said, "Now what are you going to do, Mom?". Well, maybe you could get me some CLEAN toilet paper!!! Gawd...you don't even want to know what I did. Yup...that's right. I used the dirty paper. I am disgusted with myself.

I may have been a wee bit more sensitive yesterday as we were trying to shop and well the swarms of people made my life in particular......miserable. I don't like it when strangers bump into me, brush past me, flip their hair on me or even lean up against me. In fact, Jael wanted to go into the video game store and of course video game stores are small. And the day after boxing day everybody and their dog was shopping in the video game store. Okay maybe not with their dog but their entire family was there and they were all just standing around and brushing up against me. And me and my "don't touch me if I don't know you" philosophy...well...it didn't go over well.

As I fought to exit the store as quickly as possible, a lady asked me if I was in line. Not realizing how angry I was feeling I snapped, "NO, I just want to get out of this freaking store!". It couldn't have been too bad because the people who were pressed up against me (oh God I hated it) started to laugh at me. However, they did clear a path to let me, the germ-psycho, out of the store. So it worked out ok. Then the toilet paper incident happened. And then we left. I was exhausted from all the germs. And I bought shampoo. That's it. Amidst all the amazing sales...I bought shampoo. And as I left, I walked past MMM muffins....very slowily.

After that, we decided to go to Chapters. If I was to die...Chapters would be my heaven (and the bathroom my hell). I know, a nerd to the core. Regardless, I found a great case for me e-reader, a book on running and a "mommy" calendar. And nobody touched me there. Of course, the bathroom was less than desirable but at least the roll stayed on the holder. And well, the lure of Starbucks had a hold on me. And I bowed my knee. I submitted to a cafe mocha. I drank it. All 3/4 of it. It conquered me yesterday. Well, all I can say to the fat monster is this...you may have one that battle but I will win this war!!!! Haaarrrrrrrr!!!

And I don't think I can handle hearing one more person cry to me about how hard it is to avoid food during the holidays. It is hard on us all. And we all win some...and lose some...and gain some. And honestly, why must we demonstrate the lowest and most primitive level of intelligence...what are we children.....give the baby her bottle....or give the fatty her cookie. Oh gawd...I am the fattie who wants the friggin cookie. GAWD...ALL I WANT IS AN OATMEAL CHOCLATE CHIP COOKIE AND I HAVE NOT HAD ONE. NO NOT ONE. AND YES! I AM YELLING!! It all started when I was in playschool. I sat on a nun's knee and she taught me the song..."who stole the cookie from the cookie jar". IT WAS ME! I TOOK YOUR DUMB COOKIE AND I ATE THE WHOLE DAMN THING!

And honestly, there are no excuses!! I am a cookie addict. I need someone to feel sorry for me so I am going to call the "feel sorry for me" hotline....it's 1-888-suck-tit. At least that's what Brad told me. Gawd...Christmas, wine and sweets has turned me into a complete baby. See! See what sugar does. It is evil!! It is the spawn of Satan himself.

To eat or not to eat...why is it always the same frigging question??

New Years Resolutions:

1. Drink less wine.

2. Eat healthy.

3. Drink less wine.

4. Lose 15 lbs by April 30th.

5. Drink less wine.

6. Go to Vegas in May. (NO WINE)

7. Run every other day.

8. Drink less wine.

9. Live for a cause bigger than myself. (not wine)

10. Drink less wine.

11. Build healthy long lasting relationships. (with people, not wine)

12. Start smoking. (Just kidding) Train for marathon in June. So NO COOKIES!

13. Find a new chocolate chip oatmeal cookie recipe.

Wow...that's sad. A single tear rolls down my cheek. Okay...enough of the drama...off to get some groceries. (NOT WINE).

Sincerely,

Chunky

Day 77

Tis the season to be jolly er umm...jiggly....and that is an understatement to say the least. There is a plethora of cookies, cakes, cinnamon buns and treats that have overtaken the office. In fact, since their hostile takeover, they have taken some of my colleagues hostage. The fate of their now ripple free bodies now hangs by a thread. Will they succumb to the lure of the fat monster?? Will the strain of Christmas goodies get the better of them? Will it get the better of me? I think not!!

So far, my record remains unblemished as I have not fallen prey to the countless calories that taunt me daily as I walk past them. They send out an aroma in an attempt to lure me out of my office and into the fat snare. Others that have gone before me have fallen. They fought valiantly but they fell...for the fat monster had overtaken them. And this Christmas, more will stumble, some will be destroyed...but I....I FEAR thee not evil fat monster!! I resist your incessant calls to me. Even in the midnight hour, I turn my face away from the refrigerator. My eyes will not search to and fro looking for something to devour. I will not excavate deep into the bowels of the deep freezer for a cookie. I will not pay attention to your constant cries.

Friends, countrymen, fellow fat slayers, lend me your ear. The fat monster cries out, but we will not listen. We will fight!! The fat monster will try to take our bodies, our health and our lives...but we will not bend...we will not bow and it will never..... have........ our freedom!

Voice over:(Look at me....ah yes.....even in the heat of the calorie battle, I remain strong....regal.....honorable...........I want a cookie. Chocolate chip oatmeal...mmmm).

Okay...I know...way over the top. But I must get pumped up for the "eating marathon" that starts on December 24th. When did our culture get so wrapped up in food? Do we really need it at every occasion? And why the excess...whatever happened to just enough. More than enough creates excess....a moment on the lips...a lifetime on the hips. IS IT REALLY WORTH IT? Voice Over: (Oh gawd...a chocolate chip cookie would SO be worth it right now.)

Anyways, I hit the gym tonight. I just got back actually. And since I don't want to bore you with the details....(did I mention the recumbent bike is absolutely the most boring exercise ever? I'd rather sit in a grade 9 geography class!!)...nothing was out of the ordinary. Well, with the exception of the gigantic pools of sweat that showed up on my lower back and ass....what do the kids these days call it...oh yes.....swass....and then there is swoob...but that one is pretty self-explanatory. I wondered why the one guy looked at me funny when I passed him. I was feeling bold, beautiful and b#$chn'. However, clearly I was not....I looked like I sat in a puddle of water...I was clearly suffering from a nasty case of swass, swoob and sweat....sigh...and the color of my gym pants announced it to the world!!! Of course, I only noticed it when I looked over my shoulder into the mirror on my way OUT of the gym. I'm going to tell you this....who ever is taking locker 81 has no idea what I go through when she takes it. I look forward to the day when I catch her putting her things in my locker.....oh yeah....it ain't over until the fat lady sings. That's right...it's all over but the cryin'!!! You fight with the bull.....YOU get the horns!! (Voice Over: What I really want....is a cookie).

Night!!!

Chunky :)

Day 73- Christmas-ish

It all started when I shook the hand of the CEO of an accounting firm this morning. No, not the one I sleep with....a different one. As I extended my hand, it caught his scarf and we shook with a scarf between our hands. It was weird. Neither one of us said a thing however, we were both aware that his scarf was between our hands. What do you do when something like that happens? We did nothing. It was totally and utterly comical...and yet weird...all at the same time. I've never shaked, with scarf between our palms...I guess there is a first time for everything.

Then as he was explaining some things to me, my ear caught a song that was playing on the radio. I actually think it is so cheesy when couples have a "song". When people say, "oh..that's our song" and then drift off into another world that is full of fantasy (for that is exactly what it is), I think it is ridiculous and juvenile. What is this 1969 and we are on a back road in Saskatchewan? Do you sit in the middle seat of his half ton, honey? Oh and you probably wear his washed up "football" jacket too?......However, the song that caught my ear this morning was.....ummmm....ya.....our song...kind of. (blush) And I was trying to pay attention to the person who was speaking to me. Alas, I could not. I don't even know what he said until the song finished. It was definitely problematic. I can't help but wonder if he realized I drifted off....

I think it is because I am distracted. I am really bothered that I can't seem to feel Christmas. What does Christmas feel like anyways? In years past, Christmas was a time to gorge ourselves on food. It is the epitome of gluttony. It is eating yourself into a coma. And the best way to "feel" Christmas was to run my hand down my stomach and feel the food baby that was inside. This year...I am going to do that....just on one day.

The following is an actual email from my mom outlining our Christmas Dinner Dessert Menu:

This is the dessert menu:
Chocolate chip cookies
Spice Cookies
Butter tarts
Home-made Oreo cookies
Rice Krispie Cake
Home made cinnamon rolls
Raspberry Trifle

Are ya hungry yet?????

Thank God we are going to her house on cheat day!!

Since I no longer have parties in my mouth, nor do I find comfort in food...I can't seem to get into the Christmas spirit. I can't seem to find the "feeling" of Christmas. I now know how Cindy Lou Hoo felt when she sang..."Where are you Christmas...". Right now, I am willing to try anything to get "that feeling". I am singing that song now. In my office. All alone. Crying. Okay...not crying...but definitely....seriously....solemn.

In an attempt to feel Christmas-ish, I suggested that Jo and I go for Christmas lunch. She tells me that I will use any excuse to have a "Christmas" celebration. That may be true however, my attempt at feeling festive was destroyed by the toilet paper in the restaurant's bathroom.

Yeah...I know...another rant. But I can't help it. I really despise and loathe entirely shitty toilet paper. Okay...not toilet paper that is actually....ummm...soiled....but toilet paper that is so frail and transparent that it does not even have the strength to turn the roll on which it rests on without breaking. It has got to be one of the most frustrating experiences in the world to be forced to use toilet paper that I can actually see through. And of course, I never discover this until after I have pee'd. So, there I am trying to hover over a toilet seat, unravel a roll of toilet paper that keeps breaking, reach up into the toilet paper holder trying to find the end...and getting nothing but a BIT of paper. And so after fighting with the roll, instead of having a single strand....I have 49 small pieces. I actually shook the toilet paper holder and grumbled in complete and utter frustration. And now, because I have been struggling so long...I have virtually drip dried, have a handful of multiple pieces of less than mediocre toilet paper in my hand and my legs are ready to give out because it has taken literally 10 minutes to do something that usually takes only two. And NO, I do not need very much toilet paper. Just enough to prevent having a silver dollar in my underwear. I just want a single strand that actually absorbs. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? IS IT?? Merry friggin' Christmas to you Mr. restaurant owner!!

So after using the bathroom I returned to the table with Joanne. Joanne asked me 2x if I was okay. "Are you listening or are you off.... far away?" I was present in body. Not so present in spirit or actually even listening, however today I was just plain hungry. Probably because I had expended every ounce of my energy fighting with the toilet paper! And I am very upset that the Christmas spirit was not going to be found at lunch because I beat the heck out of the toilet paper roll. And now I am having trouble paying attention because along with the fact that I have ADD, sensory issues and I am as excitable as a high spirited mare....my stomach is eating itself. Bring me my chicken! I don't care if the chicken is not dead yet...I will take care of that....I am hungry...right....now! That is all I can think about. After I eat, I am a way better person. Full of life, energy and chicken! Joanne says I'm like Dr. Jekly and Mr. Hyde when I'm hungry. She thinks I get grumpy when I'm hungry. I think she even called me a child. LOL!! She is so right!!

Still desperate to feel Christmas some place other than my stomach, I asked our waitress, "What does Christmas feel like to you?". She didn't really have an answer. In fact, she looked at me like I was crazy (she is so right). But since my tummy was now full, I felt full of life and ready to rock. (This is the Hyde and Jekyl thing again). I told her..."Christmas to me is wrapping presents by a crackling fire. Having a good friend by my side while sharing a nice hot cup of cocoa with a touch of Baileys while listening to cheesy Christmas carols." I guess I am not that crazy because the waitress wants to come wrap presents with me....lol...I guess she wasn't feeling "Christmas-ish" either. That or she is an alcoholic. I'm not really sure.

I will make one more final attempt at "feeling" Christmas today. I will first go to the gym. Then I am going to do something crazy. Yikes....I hope I am brave enough. I will be sure to take a picture and tell you all about it tomorrow. Wish me luck!!

Andy :)

PS- Please help me raise money for Room to Read by sending me a pair of size 8 sneakers from your home province/state. For each pair of sneakers I receive, I will donate $100 to Room to Read. (For the sake of the law and my marriage, I've capped it at $5000 and have a deadline of January 31, 2011). Thank you for your help!!!!

PPS- If I receive more than 50 pairs of shoes, I will auction them off and all proceeds will go to Room to Read!!

Day 71: Baroness Chunky Monkey

I just looked at the calendar and realized that Christmas is next week. OMG!! How did that happen? Thank God our Christmas tree is up and decorated. I can get my gifts wrapped tonight right after I squeeze the gym in. Ahh...who has time for working out this time of year?! There is no rest for the wicked! I am starting to wonder if I am wicked...as I have no rest. Is it really Christmas?

Do you ever wonder if your life is like Truman's? You know...the whole world is watching and you have no clue. Right at that moment when you pick your nose or I sneak that bite of a cookie.....are there hidden cameras watching my every move??? I don't actually pick my nose. Well, I guess we all do at some point but I don't have to admit that. You know what they say...you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose but you can't pick your friend's nose. Just a little fyi for you.

Joanne and I pulled in late last night after fighting the fog, white knuckling the steering wheel and praying that the good Lord spare our lives. Okay...she white knuckled the steering wheel and I prayed that the good Lord would spare my life. I know...completely selfish...I know....but I didn't want to die. And since we only had two rules on the weekend....#1 No one is allowed to die. #2 No one is allowed to be stressed out....well...I wanted to follow the rules.

Regardless of how stressful the drive home was...I saw something brilliant when the fog cleared. We have Christmas lights on our house this year!!! Wooo! Joanne and I pulled into the drive way of my home and we both stared in awe. After staring for a moment, we turned and looked at each other and well...we had a good laugh. My husband put up lights for me. And I am thrilled that he was so thoughtful in doing so. They are perfect!! And even though the color scheme does not exist, the way in which they are draped over the garage door is questionable and the tangled extension cord that is wrapped around my outdoor light makes the whole lighting experience somewhat "Charlie Brown Christmas Tree-ish"....I still love it. It's worth the drive by...lol. Joanne thinks it's special.

The weekend was great but I am afraid of the damage that was done from the chocolate buffet at our five-star hotel. I don't want to weigh in tomorrow. AHHH! But, It was glorious!! I was sick after but it was definitely worth it. And who can forget Marga!! Marga was a really cute little lady that we met in the Vancouver airport. She is from Germany and was tickled pink that my Grandmother's name was Van Asselstine. So, you may all call me baroness Chunky Monkey next time you see me! (Isn't Marga cute? She was one of the sweetest ladies I have ever met. I love old people! And please, no comments from the peanut gallery).

Tom Cruise was apparently staying at our hotel while we were there. I looked for him so that I could accidentally bump into him and then snub him and act like I didn't know him. I've always wanted to do that to a star. Actually, just him. That didn't happen though.

And the snobby flight attendant on our flight home left her jacket and "wings" on the seat next to Joanne. I grabbed it and contemplated putting it on and handing out drinks. However, Joanne said she would not wait for me at the airport if they arrested me for impersonating a flight attendant. I then thought I would put it on and sing Tommy Boy's infamous song...."fat guy in a little coat". But Joanne was not in support of that idea either. What are they going to do....arrest me?? She explained later that she was worried that the snobby flight attendant would not find my stunt funny and would ultimately hurt my feelings by saying something mean. Whatever Jo!! ;) So that didn't happen either.

While in Vancouver, I found the most amazing sneakers on Robson Street. I told the shoe sales lady that I thought they would be great at work. The sales lady was horrified and said I could NOT wear my shoes to work specially if I was wearing dress pants. I explained to her that I thought it would look good. She told me that my boss probably wouldn't like it. I told her that I was the boss and I can wear whatever the hell I want! (snicker)

I love sneakers. I think I am going to buy a pair for every day of the week. And I will have you know that I wore them to work today....with dress pants. And yes!!! I met with clients today. My sneakers didn't seem to bother them one bit. And my feet felt great. I could run up and down the stairs, skip and even jog across the icy street. I love sneakers. Besides, I feel good in them and no one is going to tell this chunky what she can and cannot where. (Look at the pics...you can see my awesome sneaks!!) You can also see how my shirt is gaping open because they don't make button up shirts for women who have boobs! Thank you Mexx!!! Get some models with boobs...some of us have them you know!

This Saturday is Christmas at my Mom's house. Thank you God that our meal is on a cheat day. My Mom has baked chocolate chip cookies for me!!! Woooo!!! And all these years I thought she didn't love me. I was so wrong. There is nothing better than homemade chocolate chip oatmeal cookies. And oh yes....they must have oatmeal in them in order for me to eat them. I can't wait. I also can't believe that I am more excited about cookies than the turkey.

On a more serious note, after school today, Jael asked me if they really do put dead people in boxes in the ground. She thinks it's weird. She is right into the Christmas spirit alright! I have no idea where that came from but I do have to agree...it is kind of weird. She also told me in the next sentence that we cannot have a fire in the fireplace on Christmas Eve because Santa will burn his butt. This is coming from the child who told me that Santa wasn't real only a week ago. What I want to know is why I am only finding this out now? Santa isn't real? WTH? Who the heck has been eating all of my cookies all these years? No! I am quite serious!! I want my cookies back!! RIGHT NOW!

Regardless, Santa is not a good example for my kids. He is over weight, he has poor fashion sense (he's been wearing the same outfit since I was a kid), he is hard on the reindeer (but I guess he is trying to be green), he lives on cookies and he supports elf labour. Tell me, does the North Pole have a gym? And if it does, does Santa ever use it? I think NOT!!

Personally, I like the grinch. Why? Because like him, I think I have a heart that is two sizes too small....I am not in the Christmas spirit this year. If I hear one more Christmas Carol in the store...I may snap and throw christmas oranges at the FAKE Santa who has been eating all of my amazing cookies all these years. And yesterday in Ikea, the Christmas Carol that was sung slightly faster than normal actually made Joanne unpack her cart faster. The song was super annoying...but watching Joanne was one of the funniest things I have ever seen in Ikea. Of course, I sobered right up after the cashier told me what my total came too. ANYWAYS, there is still hope because the Grinch's hear grew...maybe mine can too. I wonder how much weight I will gain when my heart grows? Dammit! Everything is always so complicated. I can't even grow my heart without gaining weight!

After all this cookie talk...the only thing that is going through my head is Cookie Monster's "C" is for cookie song! HEY! Sesame Street has contributed to my weight problem too. Darn you Sesame Street and Barbie!! That's it! I'm calling my lawyer. Right after I get home from the gym.

Happy Fat Monster Head Hunting!! This year will be the first Christmas that I don't gain weight over the Christmas Season. Cheers to that!!!

Andy :)

Joanne is wrapping me knee so that we can shop. Lovely shopping on Robson with a fat knee!

Chocolate Buffet...mmmmmm!

Me...after the chocolate buffet.

Super creepy waitress at Red Robins...yup...she was real...the talking, breathing, heart beating type. Just super duper creepy!!