Day 95: A Pretty Butterfly

In the dead of winter...a small fly made an emergency landing in my mug of water. Water encompassed the little guy and he struggled to free him self. The more he tried to break free the deeper he sank in to the deep dark Starbucks mug. The water engulfed him and he had no strength left in him to fight. He gave in and breathed his last. (Do flies breathe?) Then I filled my mouth with vitamins, not noticing the dead carcass floating in my water and placed my lips on the edge of the mug. Tipping my mug back, my eye caught something dark....and right before it entered my mouth I pulled back...and gagged and spit...a little. By now my saliva had started to breakdown the capsules of vitality in my mouth and the bitter flavor of disgusting health over took my taste buds. Is today Monday??

I weighed myself this morning. I gained 1 pound over Christmas and New Year's. Yup...it's definitely feeling like a Monday. Amazingly, I don't feel bad about it. The pound will be gone within a day or too as I am working very hard at the gym these days. Also, Aunt Flo is due for a visit and I am always up a pound or two when she is around. Gawd I hate her.

Yesterday was a great day at the gym. I worked on legs and my knee held out very very well. So, I am pleased to say the least. However, my butt is incredibly sore today and even my chair is not providing the comfort I feel like I need. It's good though...maybe I'm on my way to getting accused of being a hard ass. Sadly, I will no longer be doing leg extensions as they are hard on my knee. I am disappointed about this as I was lifting a full 130 lbs (which is the full body weight of some of my friends) and I wanted to see how high I could actually go. That could be the reason why I have a bit of a knee problem.

The good news is that I discovered something about myself last night. I can still do a full bridge, hold it and then gracefully descend to the floor. It provides me with an amazing stretch and it feels so good! So, it will become part of my daily stretches. Also, I am still able to do a cartwheel and a round-off so I am feeling pretty good about that. And yes, I can prove it. I just did one here in my office. Joanne looked a little frightened but I didn't end up crashing into anything and landed on my feet. Maybe being 32 isn't so bad.

Yesterday, Jo was horrified with me. She thinks I am living dangerously and should really consider some of the risks I am taking. I understand her concerns, but it is after all my life. And I will do whatever the hell I want. I don't see what the big deal is but I guess it is important to put a return address on the letters I send out. Yup...that's what I did. I know your mouths are probably hanging open and you are horrified knowing the risk I have taken. That's right, I sent out letters with no return address. It's an incredible risk, I know...but that's how you live life on the wild side. That's my way of saying yesterday was a pretty average day. Nothing too out of the ordinary for me.

Well, with the exception of the nice looking lad who accidentally kicked his water bottle over at the gym yesterday. I think he would have been less embarrassed if had not been full, had not sprayed everywhere and if it had not happened right in front of me. I tried not to laugh or even smile...but I couldn't help it. He seemed even more embarrassed when I helped him clean it up. LOL....big tough macho man....all embarrassed....it was lovely to see.

To top it all off, I had a conversation with a colleague. Upon leaving, my colleague thanked me for the visit and said to me..."You have ADD, don't you". I sheepishly admitted that I may have some slight challenges. He then explained to me that he did too and that is why he realized how severely affected I am by it. LOL!! He did make me feel better by telling me that people with ADD are just aware of every single thing going on around them. Nicely said!! I've found great ways to cope thanks to Jo and her Mom. However, I still have not gotten a body sock or weighted vest. Jo...you promised!! And you promised to make short bread cookies too! Occasionally Jo will pull on my arms or push on my head if I am out of control...LOL...nothing feels better. Hey look.....there's a pretty butterfly.

CHEAT DAY TOMORROW!!!! WOOOOOO!

Andy:)

My cryptonite.

Day 85: To eat or not to eat...that is the question!!

The Christmas eating marathon is over!! Christmas hangover is in full swing!!! If I see one more bun, roll or decadent dessert I think I will...umm...err....eat it!! Christmas really is the time of year where one can literally eat themselves into a coma. It's funny how a holiday that is supposed to be 'holy' is the very holiday where we over spend and act like glutton's. That kind of behavior kind of takes the 'holy' out of it. Unless you use the word in reference to how you feel after....holy crap...I am sick of food. Or...holy! I feel like crap! Or...holy! Look at all the crap we have to put away.

The tree is down, the desserts have been consumed, the wine is locked away and the training begins. I am now beginning phase II of my "new life". I was down to 156 lbs before Christmas and I have been too scared to see the damage on the scale. I've lost ten pounds since the beginning of my chunky monkey battle. So that means...15 more pounds to go. SIGH. I will wait until tomorrow to weigh in. Heaven help me. Don't get me wrong...my eating was okay...not perfect but pretty darn good...I was just inactive...to say the least. And I can blame it on the fact that both of my adorable little angels had oozing, pussing, disgusting eye infections or I can blame it on the fact that the gym was closed...regardless of the reason why....chunky monkey was just not fat slaying. More like fat storing.

We had a great time in Regina yesterday however, every time I use a public washroom something horrible happens and I then feel the need to tell you about it. I know I can't blog about my ugly public bathroom experiences all the time but I can't help it. For me, the public bathroom is the most despicable place on the planet. And I certainly don't like it when the ENTIRE toilet paper roll falls onto the disgusting contaminated floor. How can I use dirty toilet paper? Drip dry...or dirty toilet paper...AHHH! Of course my six year old made the situation so much better as she witnessed the whole ordeal. As I hovered and picked the WHOLE roll off the dirty floor, she said, "Now what are you going to do, Mom?". Well, maybe you could get me some CLEAN toilet paper!!! Gawd...you don't even want to know what I did. Yup...that's right. I used the dirty paper. I am disgusted with myself.

I may have been a wee bit more sensitive yesterday as we were trying to shop and well the swarms of people made my life in particular......miserable. I don't like it when strangers bump into me, brush past me, flip their hair on me or even lean up against me. In fact, Jael wanted to go into the video game store and of course video game stores are small. And the day after boxing day everybody and their dog was shopping in the video game store. Okay maybe not with their dog but their entire family was there and they were all just standing around and brushing up against me. And me and my "don't touch me if I don't know you" philosophy...well...it didn't go over well.

As I fought to exit the store as quickly as possible, a lady asked me if I was in line. Not realizing how angry I was feeling I snapped, "NO, I just want to get out of this freaking store!". It couldn't have been too bad because the people who were pressed up against me (oh God I hated it) started to laugh at me. However, they did clear a path to let me, the germ-psycho, out of the store. So it worked out ok. Then the toilet paper incident happened. And then we left. I was exhausted from all the germs. And I bought shampoo. That's it. Amidst all the amazing sales...I bought shampoo. And as I left, I walked past MMM muffins....very slowily.

After that, we decided to go to Chapters. If I was to die...Chapters would be my heaven (and the bathroom my hell). I know, a nerd to the core. Regardless, I found a great case for me e-reader, a book on running and a "mommy" calendar. And nobody touched me there. Of course, the bathroom was less than desirable but at least the roll stayed on the holder. And well, the lure of Starbucks had a hold on me. And I bowed my knee. I submitted to a cafe mocha. I drank it. All 3/4 of it. It conquered me yesterday. Well, all I can say to the fat monster is this...you may have one that battle but I will win this war!!!! Haaarrrrrrrr!!!

And I don't think I can handle hearing one more person cry to me about how hard it is to avoid food during the holidays. It is hard on us all. And we all win some...and lose some...and gain some. And honestly, why must we demonstrate the lowest and most primitive level of intelligence...what are we children.....give the baby her bottle....or give the fatty her cookie. Oh gawd...I am the fattie who wants the friggin cookie. GAWD...ALL I WANT IS AN OATMEAL CHOCLATE CHIP COOKIE AND I HAVE NOT HAD ONE. NO NOT ONE. AND YES! I AM YELLING!! It all started when I was in playschool. I sat on a nun's knee and she taught me the song..."who stole the cookie from the cookie jar". IT WAS ME! I TOOK YOUR DUMB COOKIE AND I ATE THE WHOLE DAMN THING!

And honestly, there are no excuses!! I am a cookie addict. I need someone to feel sorry for me so I am going to call the "feel sorry for me" hotline....it's 1-888-suck-tit. At least that's what Brad told me. Gawd...Christmas, wine and sweets has turned me into a complete baby. See! See what sugar does. It is evil!! It is the spawn of Satan himself.

To eat or not to eat...why is it always the same frigging question??

New Years Resolutions:

1. Drink less wine.

2. Eat healthy.

3. Drink less wine.

4. Lose 15 lbs by April 30th.

5. Drink less wine.

6. Go to Vegas in May. (NO WINE)

7. Run every other day.

8. Drink less wine.

9. Live for a cause bigger than myself. (not wine)

10. Drink less wine.

11. Build healthy long lasting relationships. (with people, not wine)

12. Start smoking. (Just kidding) Train for marathon in June. So NO COOKIES!

13. Find a new chocolate chip oatmeal cookie recipe.

Wow...that's sad. A single tear rolls down my cheek. Okay...enough of the drama...off to get some groceries. (NOT WINE).

Sincerely,

Chunky

Day 77

Tis the season to be jolly er umm...jiggly....and that is an understatement to say the least. There is a plethora of cookies, cakes, cinnamon buns and treats that have overtaken the office. In fact, since their hostile takeover, they have taken some of my colleagues hostage. The fate of their now ripple free bodies now hangs by a thread. Will they succumb to the lure of the fat monster?? Will the strain of Christmas goodies get the better of them? Will it get the better of me? I think not!!

So far, my record remains unblemished as I have not fallen prey to the countless calories that taunt me daily as I walk past them. They send out an aroma in an attempt to lure me out of my office and into the fat snare. Others that have gone before me have fallen. They fought valiantly but they fell...for the fat monster had overtaken them. And this Christmas, more will stumble, some will be destroyed...but I....I FEAR thee not evil fat monster!! I resist your incessant calls to me. Even in the midnight hour, I turn my face away from the refrigerator. My eyes will not search to and fro looking for something to devour. I will not excavate deep into the bowels of the deep freezer for a cookie. I will not pay attention to your constant cries.

Friends, countrymen, fellow fat slayers, lend me your ear. The fat monster cries out, but we will not listen. We will fight!! The fat monster will try to take our bodies, our health and our lives...but we will not bend...we will not bow and it will never..... have........ our freedom!

Voice over:(Look at me....ah yes.....even in the heat of the calorie battle, I remain strong....regal.....honorable...........I want a cookie. Chocolate chip oatmeal...mmmm).

Okay...I know...way over the top. But I must get pumped up for the "eating marathon" that starts on December 24th. When did our culture get so wrapped up in food? Do we really need it at every occasion? And why the excess...whatever happened to just enough. More than enough creates excess....a moment on the lips...a lifetime on the hips. IS IT REALLY WORTH IT? Voice Over: (Oh gawd...a chocolate chip cookie would SO be worth it right now.)

Anyways, I hit the gym tonight. I just got back actually. And since I don't want to bore you with the details....(did I mention the recumbent bike is absolutely the most boring exercise ever? I'd rather sit in a grade 9 geography class!!)...nothing was out of the ordinary. Well, with the exception of the gigantic pools of sweat that showed up on my lower back and ass....what do the kids these days call it...oh yes.....swass....and then there is swoob...but that one is pretty self-explanatory. I wondered why the one guy looked at me funny when I passed him. I was feeling bold, beautiful and b#$chn'. However, clearly I was not....I looked like I sat in a puddle of water...I was clearly suffering from a nasty case of swass, swoob and sweat....sigh...and the color of my gym pants announced it to the world!!! Of course, I only noticed it when I looked over my shoulder into the mirror on my way OUT of the gym. I'm going to tell you this....who ever is taking locker 81 has no idea what I go through when she takes it. I look forward to the day when I catch her putting her things in my locker.....oh yeah....it ain't over until the fat lady sings. That's right...it's all over but the cryin'!!! You fight with the bull.....YOU get the horns!! (Voice Over: What I really want....is a cookie).

Night!!!

Chunky :)