On again...Off again...ON again!

Hello...cyber friends!! And as they say on Poltergeist..."They're back"...er ummm..."I'm back"!! So, I fell off the wagon. It happens. I am not going to beat myself up for it. And to be honest, I have been avoiding blogging because "you're always watching" and since I made a cyber oath that I would always be honest, well, I didn't want to face all of you...in cyber world. You may be irritated with me about this but "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn". In the midst of emotional upheaval and turmoil, well, the last thing I have wanted to do is go to the gym. However, being away has helped me to realize that this is the very time that I NEED the gym. Kind of like advertising...except different..."In good times we should exercise, in bad times we MUST exercise". On again...off again...I am going to beat this!!

And so I have learned this lesson, the hard way. And so I say to you chunky monkey...you may have won a battle...but I will win this war. And in the words of...umm..some big guy in the movies...oh yeah...Arnold...."Hasta la vista, baby!". And even though I have snuggled up to my chocolate bar late at night...whispering...."My precious"....I will not let my past cripple my future...nor will I snuggle up to a chocolate bar, stroke it nor allow it to consume me....I mean allow me to consume it. Ugggh...(insert tears)...abs of steel, abs of steel, where for art thou, abs of steel????

The only thing that can bring comfort right now besides chocolate is...umm...ya...every girl has got it...you know...if you dig deep down...way down into the bottom of your purse, you are sure to find it. That's right. On the best of days, on the worst of days....lip gloss can make you feel like a princess again. You pull out the applicator, purse your lips and apply a thin layer of shine. Nothing makes a girl feel like a girl again like lip gloss!! Well, at least that's how it makes some of my friends feel...I can't say that it's done the same for me...but heck...I am willing to try anything at this point. Okay...not ANYTHING...you know...anything within reason.

I have three months to whip my rear into shape for a marathon....ha ha...okay...the 10K run in my home town. So, it's time to kick some chunky monkey kiester...right outta da kitchen!!

Mmmmm.....I love salad. (sarcasm intended). Did I mention that I am in Vegas next week...for work?? Sigh!!! How do you train and eat right in Vegas??? They don't sell "salad" in Vegas...do they?? Anybody have any tips?

Woe is me!

Happy Valentine's Day to all of you. With that said, I am feeling very anxious as this is the third day in a row that I have been sick.........in the morning. I didn't think much of it...until of course...today!

Early this morning, I frantically wrote out valentine's cards with my girls so that they had something to share with their classmates (I know...mother of the year). Jael set her alarm for 6:45 am just so she could get a head start. By the time I got out of the shower, she was 3/4 of the way finished.

So Eden and I wrote them out as fast as possible. As I sat there with my innocent 8 year old...I struggled to keep some horrible memories out of my head. Looking at her innocence and purity, it is hard to believe she said what she said.

A LONG time ago...she sort of accidentally interupted Brad and I. She opened the door and without even flinching (we were involved but not exposed...get your minds out of the gutter) she said, "oh...you guys are sexing. Trying to make a baby eh? No problem with me". Then she closed the door and left. I of course crawled into the fetal position and contemplated suicide. TOTAL mood killer. Brad laughed. I died. And the evening came to an abrupt end. And all her comments flooded into my head as we sat at the table this morning...how come she didn't flinch...my innocent little baby girl didn't even flinch. AHHH! I don't know what spurred the memory....but it made for a stressful morning. (Note: This happened a long long long time ago. Just thought you should know that.)

Giving my head a shake so I could focus and not re-live the horror, I got their skates, helmets, lunches and backpacks ready and sent them out the door. It was a race to get ready today!! Of course, when I was finally ready...the dog decided he was not going into his kennel so I played "cat and mouse" or rather "fat lady chasing irritating little dog" for 15 minutes. Finally, arriving at work, I started up the stairs to my office. It was then that it hit me. OMG!!! Please oh please oh please...I hope I just have the flu and nothing else!! If I am sick again tomorrow...well...I will just try to not think the worst. Ugggh!! Maybe that's why I am craving cookies...AHHHHH!!! (off to the pharmacy for a test!) Maybe I am just taking this too far....relax Chunky...you probably just have the flu...stop thinking the worst....(sniff, sniff, sob, sob) I never exaggerate....ever.

Anyways, I missed my run yesterday as I was...umm...not feeling well. I did feel much better by late afternoon and hit the hockey game with Brad. Of course, he ate a rink burger and fries right in front of me. This is probably the first time that I didn't long for the greasy disgustingness of a rink burger and fries as he indulged beside me. My stomach is not itself...I guess that's a good thing...I think. Hopefully all the vomiting will result in some weight-loss. I guess you could say (thank you Mark) that I am only two flus away from my goal weight!

This week, I will have to squeeze my big run in. Uggh! And the week is crazy to say the least. And my chest is sore...and my stomach is upset....and I'm grumpy. Oh and did I mention that much to my surprise...I have arm pit fat!!! Who the heck makes the bras these days?! Gawd...no wonder I stand in front of the mirror in the morning crying and scowling at my sagging aging body. Every girl at some point in her life has to face the fact that she has back fat, arm pit fat and well...gravity is starting to show it's effects. I blame it on breast feeding a baby or two...it completely destroys your body. Or is it age? Or is it both? Come on girls...you were once perkier...PERK UP!!

Wow!! I am a complete optimist today. What can I say...it's Monday! Off to the gym later to work chest (oh the irony of this) and biceps...as hard as possible so that I can moan and groan as I soak in my tub of very hot water and bath salts while hoping that I am not "with child". All for the sake of beauty!!! Okay...not beauty...but for health. For feeling better. For being a good example. My trainer tells me that working my chest will keep me perky. WELL, I AM ALREADY LOSING THE PERKY BATTLE...AHHHH! Woe is me!!!

Okay...rant over. Happy Cupid's Day!

Sincerely, Chunky.

Give me a cookie!!!!!

Sleepless in Swifty

Not one wink of sleep for me last night! I was sleepless in Swifty. However, it wasn't a night where I wrestled with something in my head. I spent most of the night just thinking about my relationships and how much I appreciate my support group. And yes, I am sentimental so it kept me awake...all night. Each hour passed and I reflected on what I have learned even in the last week. When I consider the people God has brought into my life...just for me...I count myself blessed over and above all I could hope, think or ask for. My sleep was not a cold, restless, sleepless night...more like a warm, whole, restful, sleepless night. Krazy...I know. But so true!

My entire journey that began three years ago has completely erupted into a mobius strip experience. I feel like the prisoner who left Plato's Cave for the first time. It's as if one day...I 'woke up'...metaphorically speaking. My life has more meaning, depth, love and peace today than it ever has. I have also felt more pain than ever before as I face things that I have avoided for a very long time. But I am moving past the former things and I will not dwell on things that have been taken from me. This is absolutely crucial in defeating the chunky monkey in me. Why? Because the more comfortable I am with myself, the more I can reach out to those around me and the end result is fulfillment and contentment. That is something a chocolate chip cookie or glass of wine can NEVER give me.

One day the following will be in my book...if I ever get around to writing it...I wrote this last year...it's scribbled down on a piece of paper from the Sutton Place Hotel in Vancouver...I am going to keep it...it's tattered and torn...but so much a piece of who I am. Read on...

Love. Intentional demonstrations of love that we consciously integrate into our everyday interactions with the people we value, produce platonic, intimate and long lasting relationships. Allowing ourselves to love, be loved and be vulnerable creates an atmosphere conducive to nurturing a deeper level of relationship. Ultimately, intimacy in its purest form results in feelings of purpose and fulfillment in both the giver and receiver.

The definition of love must be consistent with both the giver and the receiver in order to maintain a healthy understanding of one another. Managing interrogations of each individual if discrepancies exist is the heartbeat of the relationship, adds value and depth to it. The response from each individual will determine the ultimate overall success of the relationship. The giver and receiver must be able to alternate roles and have mutual understanding of one another.

However, love in its truest measure is unconditional and cannot be limited to "taking turns". Love then becomes an extension of oneself while expecting nor requiring anything in return. Thus we understand that love is not based on conditions or approval, nor is it earned. It is not withheld when 'wrongs' are committed. It is in that moment that the extension of love and understanding removes the stain of guilt, regret, shame and dishonor.

Love freely given and freely received produces "fruit" in our lives. In other words, giving and receiving must both occur in order to yield a "bumper crop" of love and acceptance. If the interaction contains both giving and receiving in alternating existence, a whole new level of love will be experienced.

I am learning what it means to...love. Myself, my family, my friends. Sometimes we lose things in our life...BUT God has a way of bringing them back to us. They are always in a different package...and they are always a surprise...but there is no better way to give a gift unless it is both a surprise and in a unique package...right?

Andy :)

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

TaTa Tamer

Today was another exciting day filming some chunky monkey tv. The irony of all this is that it is incredibly difficult to to eat on time, drink enough water and fit "gym time" into my day. My trainer did have a bit of fun with me today when she recommended that I buy a TaTa Tamer for LuLu Lemon. Why in the heck would she say that? What you sayin' beeeotch? LOL. I guess she thinks my TaTa's need to be tamed!!

And as much as say how buff and scary my trainer is...I need you to know that she is the sweetest lady. She is so encouraging and she is definitely fascinating. She was one of Swift Current's 5 most fascinating people for 2010. So, for me, it is quite an honor to have a trainer who is a professional body builder and is an all around amazing person. You rock, Lyris!!

So after 3 hours of filming at the gym today, I went to the locker room to get changed. It was then that I realized that George (the producer) had lost my key to my locker. He of course was really upset about it. I wasn't upset a bit. I was just going through blackberry withdrawl. Three hours...no blackberry...AHHH! And now the key is gone. However, George found it. Poor guy felt really bad. I wasn't upset...what's the worst that can happen...we have to bust the lock. No biggie!! However, I had almost 40 emails to catch up on. YIKES!! Not a good feeling.

Anyways, I haven't had a break all day. So, I am going to eat, sit back in my chair at the office, listen to some tunes and try and take a rest before my next meeting. Tomorrow brings a whole new collection of experiences for chunky monkey tv. Oh gawd...this will be my ultimate test. Did I mention I have to fit the gym in.

I want a cookie so bad right now!!!!!

Andy:)

Gym Whore

Good morning people of the earth!!

My trainer was not kidding when she said my new program would challenge me. I think she is trying to kill me. I don't know what I ever did to her that would make her want to hurt me like this. After a strenuous work out last night, a great tan and a furious outburst of anger because locker 81 was occupied....I realized that this new program is going to be really tough. But when the road gets tough...the tough get going....or something like that. I was never very good at cheezball expressions.

Yesterday, I arrived at the gym at 7pm and didn't leave until...well...let's just say the gym was closed by the time I left. The new exercises are very challenging and to just take things up a notch, I decided to ball exchanges as fast as I could. OMG!! If that doesn't get rid of my baby belly...I don't know what will.

There is a new and very effective shoulder exercise incorporated into my routine. My trainer tells me it will give me some great shape and my arms should look 'cut' after a few months of this. So, I was very excited to get started. Of course, my choice in work out gear was not ideal for this sort of exercise. But how am I to forsee wardrobe malfunctions at the gym?

As I laid face down on the incline bench something horrible happened. As I was concentrating on lifting my arms forward with a good amount of weight at 10 o'clock and 2 o'clock, I noticed two of the guys were looking at me. As soon as they noticed I was looking at them. They both looked away quickly. It was like seeing a teenage boy blush and awkwardly look away as he sees the cover of Victoria Secret for the fist time.

So, naturally, I am wondering what the heck is the matter with these two guys. Of course, in the back of my mind, I am wondering what has gone awry with me, my clothes or who knows what. What's the dealyo? I put in another few reps to finish the set so as not to "appear" as though I am uncomfortable and worried to death about what is going wrong. Looking down at myself to see what possibly could be distracting the two dedicated guys I have seen work out night after night...I SAW it! The way in which I lay on the bench (EXACTLY how my trainer told me to do it) had pushed my girls upward and top that I was wearing had no hope in hell of covering me.

Horrified...I quickly stood up. Losing my balance as my arms were now exhausted from exertion I stumbled backwards. Catching myself before falling on the floor I regained my balance. I dropped the weights and as quickly as humanly possible, pulled my shirt back up over the HUGE amount of cleavage that was on display. MY GAWD! I feel like a whore of Babylon! A chunky monkey gym whore. A plus sized prostitute.

Now you may not think there is anything wrong with a bit of cleavage but I need you to know that I am not talking about a 'bit' of cleavage. I am talking about whole LOT of cleavage.

I am NEVER wearing that top again. And I am sure I made a lasting impression on the two lugs that were watching. I didn't look at them the rest of the night and hope I never see them ever again. The only problem is that they work out every single day...aaahhhhh. I guess it's all about making memories....but from now on, I will be more careful about the kind of memories I am making and ensuring my top is capable of covering...well....my top.

Sincerely,

Gym Whore

A Girl's Gotta Do What A Girl's Gotta Do!

Finally, the cold weather has taken a break! Minus 45 is not my idea of a good time. However, the snow seems to blow in the most beautiful patterns across the highway when it is this cold. I sometimes feel mesmerized by the way it twists and swirls...free from restraint. Oh brother, I feel like I am writing a Robert Frost poem and reciting it to a group of sleeping high school students. There is nothing romantic about the dead of winter. When I go outside and my entire body aches from the bitter bite of the cold...I often question why I live here. And when I leave the gym and my damp hair freezes instantly causing me to resemble something similar to Meduca...well...I just don't like the cold. I hate the cold. I despise it. I loathe it entirely.

Of course, it is groundhog day today so maybe he had some good news for us. I don't know why the heck he would even attempt to come out in the friggin' hole in the ground...it is freakin' cold. And just because I am whining about how cold it is I can prove it to you. A couple of our friends did an experiment...check this out! (Ryan...you are truly one of Swift Current's Rock Stars and I still disagree...Justin Timberlake is not groovy)

So, with the bitter bite of cold and the sun shining directly in my face at this moment, I must tell you that I got my body comp results back!! And well...to date...I have lost 20lbs of fat! So, I am feeling pretty good about that. My trainer tells me my new program is going to challenge me quite a bit. I thought the old program challenged me quite a bit!! So, I am totally going to die now!! More buffeting my flesh. And when I say that...I am not referring to a buffet....although, that would be really nice right now.

After my last post, I got an interesting email yesterday. A friend of mine emailed me and this is what she said and I quote, "I just got back from the gym and had to dry my undies under the hand

blower...does that count as a good workout!" OMG!! Of course, I howled as this is the most hysterical thing I heard all day. Of course, I am a very visual person and the image in my head was quite entertaining. And I can't help but ask...what the hell were you wearing while you were drying your undies under the hand dryer??? Dear Lord...please tell me you had a towel wrapped around you. Although, standing in the buff drying underwear makes it all the more funny. And honestly, if I walked into the change rooms at the gym and saw that...I would probably hug the person for doing it as I am sure I would laugh long and hard. Of course, I wouldn't hug them if they were naked...ahhhh....whatever. It's freakin' funny. Seriously though, this is one of the funniest things I have ever heard. But I guess dry sweaty undies is better than wet sweaty undies. I think I would have just gone commando! Yes, that's right...commando. It's not something I do regularly however, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do! And sometimes, a girl just has to dry her undies under the hand blower, go commando or pee in the shower.

Don't get me wrong. I DO NOT pee in the shower. But another one of my friends told me yesterday that she has actually peed in the shower! She doesn't do it on a regular basis...but she did do it once! LOL KRAZY!! Oh and the stories did not end there but in order to keep this blog rated PG...I am going to stop while I am ahead.

With all that said, I am pumped and ready to go hard at the gym. My trainer is watching...she's always watching. And I have to say, she really encouraged me last night and I am all ready to kick the chunky monkey in the a$$. And our first episode of Chunky Monkey TV is coming out next week...oh dear Lord...

Anyways, I have to get some work done or the boss is going to get on me about slacking off at work again....wait a minute...I am the boss! .

Chunky :)

The Underwear Gauge

Off to the gym this morning! I figure I have to get that out of the way as tonight is a big night for my niece and I wouldn't miss it for the world. The theme of the day today is to work out...really really hard. I have some catching up to do as the last week was a complete write off. I am done to 154 lbs and that is brilliantly awesome...however, if I would have stayed on track, I would probably be down to 151 lbs. So close to breaking the 150 lb barrier. So at the gym today, I am going to work hard. I have a philosophy that if I can keep the same pair of underwear on after my workout...I have not worked out hard enough! And if I can keep the same pair of underwear on...well...that is just plain disgusting. Anyways, it's a good gauge...if your body is soaked with sweat...then you did a good job. If not, you are completely copping out.

Jo and her chillin's were over last night for dinner and Jo so emphatically expressed to me that I was obnoxious again and how happy that made her. Awww...what a great bfff! And I can't even retaliate because she knows my visa number, login passwords for virtually everything and my pin. So revenge is not even an option. But I did enjoy hanging out with her. And it was way better than having "company" that comes only for the food and take no time to socialize because they are too busy. Not too busy to eat my food but too busy to have a coffee after?!! You know who I mean...the kind that are like grasshoppers. They come, they eat, they leave. I didn't actually invite you over to eat...I invited you over to visit!!

Everything we do is so focused around food. When the people of the earth gather....they eat. Some drink. Some dance. Some drink and dance but they all share one thing in common.....they eat. And I am guilty of this too. I can't count the number of times that I have approached the dinner table like a ravenous gluttonous starving hyena. I said 'like' a starving hyena...not that I am one. Clearly....I am not. Take a look at the meat on my bones. If I was the Thanksgiving turkey, I would be the one that needs the supersized roasting pan. So just imagine how awkward it is for me to run with all the junk in my trunk. I kind of look like a supersized turkey with shorts that ride up her arse and of course with the added benefit of thighs of thunder.

But I intend to change that. I am going to go run today and do back and triceps. Saturday is rest day and CHEAT day........AND Sunday....I am going to run 10km. Jesus help me.

Okay....have a great weekend my cyber buddies!!! I will post again on Sunday night....unless something amazing happens. Or something ridiculous. Who am I kidding...something ridiculous always happens. So, expect to hear from me. Toodles.

ps- I am listening to Rock and Roll Girl right now.....Rock on peops of the earth!! And I forgot that I was only in my underwear and only remembered that when I was standing on my front step getting the mail out of the mail box this morning. Somebody kill me please!! AHHHHHH!!!! Okay...putting the People Magazine down and going to the gym!!!!!

Andy

pps- dedicated to my fabulous five!! Click here!

It's How You Run The Race

Just as promised...I made it to the gym. And just as expected it felt really really good!! It's not whether you win or lose...it's how you run the race, right?! That metaphor is so true and it is so true when it comes to running. It is all about technique. The more I improve my technique, the more efficiently I will run...thus causing me to finish well. This is so true in real life. I am going to finish well.

Part of "running the race" requires me to break-free of some old cycles and patterns in my running. I noticed today that I clench my fists tightly when I run. Becoming aware of my tightened fists allowed me to relax my hands...thus conserving energy. Instead of looking down at the timer on the treadmill, I look straight ahead to ensure proper posture and form. Looking down is dangerous in running as one cannot see oncoming danger....but more importantly form is compromised and in doing so....one cannot focus on the finish. You have to look ahead when you run...you can't watch your feet or have your head down. You have to lift your chin up. When you lift your chin up, you can see what lies ahead....the beginning of a slope....or the end of one.

Runner's occasionally hit the "wall" in running. In that moment, every part of you feels like it will collapse. Your lungs burn, your thighs throb and your brow is soaked with sweat. You don't feel like you can push yourself any farther. But upon pushing past the end of yourself, you break-thru your wall and find yourself energized and capable of pressing on.

And there will always be those people on the sidelines who should be your biggest fans...but they throw their sticks and stones on your path to trip you up. But if you look just a little farther down the road, your family is cheering you on every step of the way. And it is because of them that you find the strength to dodge the obstacles and finish well.

And since I feel like I belong in Texas (everything is big in Texas)...I know that I am an overcomer. And even though I am extremely tempted to just be a hippie and live on a beautiful beach in Australia...I will not give up. What the heck am I talking about?! I am going to Australia and being a hippy. Well...I am going to be a clean hippy at the very least. But just so there is no confusion...no dreads allowed and I am most certainly going to wear anti-perspirant. I don't know why...but now I have that annoying song from the Pee Wee Herman Movie...."The stars at night, are big and bright.....(clap, clap, clap, clap).....deep in the heart of Texas". What a dumb show! Well, except for Large Marg....I loved her!! She was big. And from Texas. But then so were the Beverly Hill billies....I could use some Texas Tea about now. Then I could inflate the prices, make all of you pay even more for fuel and then slowly take over the world. Ah....what a feelin'!!

Night...this Chunky is chunked out!! Slayin' the fat monster one ounce at a time!!

Andy

Day 101

Woe is me...for I am undone! My body afflicted. My thighs...quivering. My lungs....burning. Running is hard work and oh my gosh...I feel like I'm going to die. It is not easy and my chunky body does not feel ready for it. I can feel every ounce of fat jiggling as I run. And of course, I wore the wrong shorts today....as they creeped and crawled the entire time my fat jiggled on the treadmill. So, while the people on the elliptical trainers behind me watched me fight with my crawling shorts, I struggled with good form and technique as picking wedgies does not support good jogging technique.

Gawd...big busted women should not be running either. Yes, I have a great few sports bras...it's just that...well...it's hard to lug those babies around while prancing on a treadmill. Okay...it's far from prancing...it's like I am back in junior high...and I'm the fat girl stomping and grunting around the track. Gawd...somebody kill me please. And to make it worse...today...I got a cramp. I have never had a cramp before. I had to walk in the middle of my run because of my cramp. And because of walking...I lost momentum (mentally). So I left the gym feeling like I didn't get the best work out. Big busted chunky monkey did not get a good work out in today. Alas!! I have failed. But the good thing is....is that I get to do it all over again tomorrow. Can you hear the enthusiasm in my voice???

And what the heck was the gingerbread man thinking..."run run as fast as you can...you can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man....." Of course, I can't catch you. I've been eating you all day and now I am too FAT to run. First you tempt me to eat you....and then you taunt me when I can't catch you. I hate you little gingerbread man. You don't have to run with boobs and chunky thighs. Like who the hell wrote all these childhood nursery rhymes anyways?? How about old mother hubbard!? Like what the heck is her problem. No food!!! NO wonder I like to eat...I'm afraid of a bare cupboard and getting whipped soundly and sent to bed. And I want my dog to have a bone!! I associate no food with being whipped and my dog starving to death. Next thing you know, I will be singing Ring-around-the-Rosie and falling to my horrible lonely death. And this is what we are teaching our children??!! All this time I thought it was Barbie's fault. Now I think it is Mother Goose's fault.

I have no excuse for this rant. It's just that my workout was not so hot today....and I feel frustrated. Again...some stored up anger from the fact that somebody was in locker 81 again today.

And I have to weigh myself tomorrow. Uggh! ....must press on..........

Night!

Andy :)

Day 71: Baroness Chunky Monkey

I just looked at the calendar and realized that Christmas is next week. OMG!! How did that happen? Thank God our Christmas tree is up and decorated. I can get my gifts wrapped tonight right after I squeeze the gym in. Ahh...who has time for working out this time of year?! There is no rest for the wicked! I am starting to wonder if I am wicked...as I have no rest. Is it really Christmas?

Do you ever wonder if your life is like Truman's? You know...the whole world is watching and you have no clue. Right at that moment when you pick your nose or I sneak that bite of a cookie.....are there hidden cameras watching my every move??? I don't actually pick my nose. Well, I guess we all do at some point but I don't have to admit that. You know what they say...you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose but you can't pick your friend's nose. Just a little fyi for you.

Joanne and I pulled in late last night after fighting the fog, white knuckling the steering wheel and praying that the good Lord spare our lives. Okay...she white knuckled the steering wheel and I prayed that the good Lord would spare my life. I know...completely selfish...I know....but I didn't want to die. And since we only had two rules on the weekend....#1 No one is allowed to die. #2 No one is allowed to be stressed out....well...I wanted to follow the rules.

Regardless of how stressful the drive home was...I saw something brilliant when the fog cleared. We have Christmas lights on our house this year!!! Wooo! Joanne and I pulled into the drive way of my home and we both stared in awe. After staring for a moment, we turned and looked at each other and well...we had a good laugh. My husband put up lights for me. And I am thrilled that he was so thoughtful in doing so. They are perfect!! And even though the color scheme does not exist, the way in which they are draped over the garage door is questionable and the tangled extension cord that is wrapped around my outdoor light makes the whole lighting experience somewhat "Charlie Brown Christmas Tree-ish"....I still love it. It's worth the drive by...lol. Joanne thinks it's special.

The weekend was great but I am afraid of the damage that was done from the chocolate buffet at our five-star hotel. I don't want to weigh in tomorrow. AHHH! But, It was glorious!! I was sick after but it was definitely worth it. And who can forget Marga!! Marga was a really cute little lady that we met in the Vancouver airport. She is from Germany and was tickled pink that my Grandmother's name was Van Asselstine. So, you may all call me baroness Chunky Monkey next time you see me! (Isn't Marga cute? She was one of the sweetest ladies I have ever met. I love old people! And please, no comments from the peanut gallery).

Tom Cruise was apparently staying at our hotel while we were there. I looked for him so that I could accidentally bump into him and then snub him and act like I didn't know him. I've always wanted to do that to a star. Actually, just him. That didn't happen though.

And the snobby flight attendant on our flight home left her jacket and "wings" on the seat next to Joanne. I grabbed it and contemplated putting it on and handing out drinks. However, Joanne said she would not wait for me at the airport if they arrested me for impersonating a flight attendant. I then thought I would put it on and sing Tommy Boy's infamous song...."fat guy in a little coat". But Joanne was not in support of that idea either. What are they going to do....arrest me?? She explained later that she was worried that the snobby flight attendant would not find my stunt funny and would ultimately hurt my feelings by saying something mean. Whatever Jo!! ;) So that didn't happen either.

While in Vancouver, I found the most amazing sneakers on Robson Street. I told the shoe sales lady that I thought they would be great at work. The sales lady was horrified and said I could NOT wear my shoes to work specially if I was wearing dress pants. I explained to her that I thought it would look good. She told me that my boss probably wouldn't like it. I told her that I was the boss and I can wear whatever the hell I want! (snicker)

I love sneakers. I think I am going to buy a pair for every day of the week. And I will have you know that I wore them to work today....with dress pants. And yes!!! I met with clients today. My sneakers didn't seem to bother them one bit. And my feet felt great. I could run up and down the stairs, skip and even jog across the icy street. I love sneakers. Besides, I feel good in them and no one is going to tell this chunky what she can and cannot where. (Look at the pics...you can see my awesome sneaks!!) You can also see how my shirt is gaping open because they don't make button up shirts for women who have boobs! Thank you Mexx!!! Get some models with boobs...some of us have them you know!

This Saturday is Christmas at my Mom's house. Thank you God that our meal is on a cheat day. My Mom has baked chocolate chip cookies for me!!! Woooo!!! And all these years I thought she didn't love me. I was so wrong. There is nothing better than homemade chocolate chip oatmeal cookies. And oh yes....they must have oatmeal in them in order for me to eat them. I can't wait. I also can't believe that I am more excited about cookies than the turkey.

On a more serious note, after school today, Jael asked me if they really do put dead people in boxes in the ground. She thinks it's weird. She is right into the Christmas spirit alright! I have no idea where that came from but I do have to agree...it is kind of weird. She also told me in the next sentence that we cannot have a fire in the fireplace on Christmas Eve because Santa will burn his butt. This is coming from the child who told me that Santa wasn't real only a week ago. What I want to know is why I am only finding this out now? Santa isn't real? WTH? Who the heck has been eating all of my cookies all these years? No! I am quite serious!! I want my cookies back!! RIGHT NOW!

Regardless, Santa is not a good example for my kids. He is over weight, he has poor fashion sense (he's been wearing the same outfit since I was a kid), he is hard on the reindeer (but I guess he is trying to be green), he lives on cookies and he supports elf labour. Tell me, does the North Pole have a gym? And if it does, does Santa ever use it? I think NOT!!

Personally, I like the grinch. Why? Because like him, I think I have a heart that is two sizes too small....I am not in the Christmas spirit this year. If I hear one more Christmas Carol in the store...I may snap and throw christmas oranges at the FAKE Santa who has been eating all of my amazing cookies all these years. And yesterday in Ikea, the Christmas Carol that was sung slightly faster than normal actually made Joanne unpack her cart faster. The song was super annoying...but watching Joanne was one of the funniest things I have ever seen in Ikea. Of course, I sobered right up after the cashier told me what my total came too. ANYWAYS, there is still hope because the Grinch's hear grew...maybe mine can too. I wonder how much weight I will gain when my heart grows? Dammit! Everything is always so complicated. I can't even grow my heart without gaining weight!

After all this cookie talk...the only thing that is going through my head is Cookie Monster's "C" is for cookie song! HEY! Sesame Street has contributed to my weight problem too. Darn you Sesame Street and Barbie!! That's it! I'm calling my lawyer. Right after I get home from the gym.

Happy Fat Monster Head Hunting!! This year will be the first Christmas that I don't gain weight over the Christmas Season. Cheers to that!!!

Andy :)

Joanne is wrapping me knee so that we can shop. Lovely shopping on Robson with a fat knee!

Chocolate Buffet...mmmmmm!

Me...after the chocolate buffet.

Super creepy waitress at Red Robins...yup...she was real...the talking, breathing, heart beating type. Just super duper creepy!!