Chunky Monkey Episode 3

Chunky Monkey wears a bathing suit...UGGGG!!!

The quest for the After......

A fellow blogger, creator of Snappy Socks and an amazing entrepreneur and friend shares her struggles...check her out! This is one amazing lady!!!

Hormone Injections...Back From The Dead!

CBC hails the headline "Hormone Injection Diet Raises Cautions". Ha! A diet fad from the 70's is rearing it's ugly head again. The idea that the quick fix to obesity and over eating is a magic pill or an injection lives on. It's alive....ALIVE!! It is shocking to me that we are still grasping at straws and want to pull a magic lever that will make all our fat melt away. I totally understand wanting a quick fix...but in my experience...a quick fix....is just that....a quick fix...then it's right back to "the way we were". And as much as I have wanted to just push a button and have my body transform into a super hard...hot body....I have discovered that the old fashioned way of eating healthy and exercising is the best solution. I also know...it is just not that simple. There is something deeper happening....everyone would be fit and healthy if it was easy. So what's the problem?

My theory: There are cycles and patterns in everyone's life. Some good, some bad. I can't always see the pattern in my own life and how I contribute to it. No more than you can see how you contribute to your own cycles and patterns. Sometimes we need someone to help us out and be that mirror that reflects the truth.

That may have happened to me last night. Maybe someone told me the truth and pointed out a pattern in my life. Ahhh!! And maybe I didn't like it. And I might have told them so. However, I think I might have needed to hear it. This may or may not have happened. ;) (Gawd...it stung like a bee...it's still burning...kind of like acid...slow...you don't feel it right away....and then WAMO!!! It get's ya....deep).

Anyways..........there is no procrustean solution to the struggle with weight. Get to the root. Pull it out. Eat healthy. Exercise. Get a support group. Pay someone to hold you accountable. And after days, months and years....you will be fit and healthy. Ahhh...crap...that sounds exactly like a procrustean solution. Well...darn it...just try it.

Side note: ....every time I turn on the Brier....I see a Tim's cup in the ice. Every time they throw a rock....I see the cup.....that brown little cup...with the good good coffee in it......and I know it's roll up the rim time.........and then I want one!!! NO...I have to have one!!! I can't relax until I get one. Do the marketing people at Tim Horton's know that their coffee is my kryptonite? Ahhhh!! I have to stop watching curling...cuz it's making me a coffee addict!!!

I am going to go to bed now, only to lay there awake because I had coffee about an hour ago. And then I will lay there in my bed wide awake and think about how dumb it was to get a coffee after the hockey game. Then I will get up at 6:30 a.m., make coffee because I am so tired....get the kids off to school and then stop at Timmies for another coffee on the way to work...because it's roll up the rim time....and I need to juice up to stay awake. And then I will come home and turn on curling...and then want a coffee...and....well...you get the picture!!! Ahhh!!! I should drink coffee before I run...do you think that will help???

Night night!!! Sincerely, Buzzed Chunky Monkey

Gym Whore

Good morning people of the earth!!

My trainer was not kidding when she said my new program would challenge me. I think she is trying to kill me. I don't know what I ever did to her that would make her want to hurt me like this. After a strenuous work out last night, a great tan and a furious outburst of anger because locker 81 was occupied....I realized that this new program is going to be really tough. But when the road gets tough...the tough get going....or something like that. I was never very good at cheezball expressions.

Yesterday, I arrived at the gym at 7pm and didn't leave until...well...let's just say the gym was closed by the time I left. The new exercises are very challenging and to just take things up a notch, I decided to ball exchanges as fast as I could. OMG!! If that doesn't get rid of my baby belly...I don't know what will.

There is a new and very effective shoulder exercise incorporated into my routine. My trainer tells me it will give me some great shape and my arms should look 'cut' after a few months of this. So, I was very excited to get started. Of course, my choice in work out gear was not ideal for this sort of exercise. But how am I to forsee wardrobe malfunctions at the gym?

As I laid face down on the incline bench something horrible happened. As I was concentrating on lifting my arms forward with a good amount of weight at 10 o'clock and 2 o'clock, I noticed two of the guys were looking at me. As soon as they noticed I was looking at them. They both looked away quickly. It was like seeing a teenage boy blush and awkwardly look away as he sees the cover of Victoria Secret for the fist time.

So, naturally, I am wondering what the heck is the matter with these two guys. Of course, in the back of my mind, I am wondering what has gone awry with me, my clothes or who knows what. What's the dealyo? I put in another few reps to finish the set so as not to "appear" as though I am uncomfortable and worried to death about what is going wrong. Looking down at myself to see what possibly could be distracting the two dedicated guys I have seen work out night after night...I SAW it! The way in which I lay on the bench (EXACTLY how my trainer told me to do it) had pushed my girls upward and top that I was wearing had no hope in hell of covering me.

Horrified...I quickly stood up. Losing my balance as my arms were now exhausted from exertion I stumbled backwards. Catching myself before falling on the floor I regained my balance. I dropped the weights and as quickly as humanly possible, pulled my shirt back up over the HUGE amount of cleavage that was on display. MY GAWD! I feel like a whore of Babylon! A chunky monkey gym whore. A plus sized prostitute.

Now you may not think there is anything wrong with a bit of cleavage but I need you to know that I am not talking about a 'bit' of cleavage. I am talking about whole LOT of cleavage.

I am NEVER wearing that top again. And I am sure I made a lasting impression on the two lugs that were watching. I didn't look at them the rest of the night and hope I never see them ever again. The only problem is that they work out every single day...aaahhhhh. I guess it's all about making memories....but from now on, I will be more careful about the kind of memories I am making and ensuring my top is capable of covering...well....my top.

Sincerely,

Gym Whore

A Girl's Gotta Do What A Girl's Gotta Do!

Finally, the cold weather has taken a break! Minus 45 is not my idea of a good time. However, the snow seems to blow in the most beautiful patterns across the highway when it is this cold. I sometimes feel mesmerized by the way it twists and swirls...free from restraint. Oh brother, I feel like I am writing a Robert Frost poem and reciting it to a group of sleeping high school students. There is nothing romantic about the dead of winter. When I go outside and my entire body aches from the bitter bite of the cold...I often question why I live here. And when I leave the gym and my damp hair freezes instantly causing me to resemble something similar to Meduca...well...I just don't like the cold. I hate the cold. I despise it. I loathe it entirely.

Of course, it is groundhog day today so maybe he had some good news for us. I don't know why the heck he would even attempt to come out in the friggin' hole in the ground...it is freakin' cold. And just because I am whining about how cold it is I can prove it to you. A couple of our friends did an experiment...check this out! (Ryan...you are truly one of Swift Current's Rock Stars and I still disagree...Justin Timberlake is not groovy)

So, with the bitter bite of cold and the sun shining directly in my face at this moment, I must tell you that I got my body comp results back!! And well...to date...I have lost 20lbs of fat! So, I am feeling pretty good about that. My trainer tells me my new program is going to challenge me quite a bit. I thought the old program challenged me quite a bit!! So, I am totally going to die now!! More buffeting my flesh. And when I say that...I am not referring to a buffet....although, that would be really nice right now.

After my last post, I got an interesting email yesterday. A friend of mine emailed me and this is what she said and I quote, "I just got back from the gym and had to dry my undies under the hand

blower...does that count as a good workout!" OMG!! Of course, I howled as this is the most hysterical thing I heard all day. Of course, I am a very visual person and the image in my head was quite entertaining. And I can't help but ask...what the hell were you wearing while you were drying your undies under the hand dryer??? Dear Lord...please tell me you had a towel wrapped around you. Although, standing in the buff drying underwear makes it all the more funny. And honestly, if I walked into the change rooms at the gym and saw that...I would probably hug the person for doing it as I am sure I would laugh long and hard. Of course, I wouldn't hug them if they were naked...ahhhh....whatever. It's freakin' funny. Seriously though, this is one of the funniest things I have ever heard. But I guess dry sweaty undies is better than wet sweaty undies. I think I would have just gone commando! Yes, that's right...commando. It's not something I do regularly however, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do! And sometimes, a girl just has to dry her undies under the hand blower, go commando or pee in the shower.

Don't get me wrong. I DO NOT pee in the shower. But another one of my friends told me yesterday that she has actually peed in the shower! She doesn't do it on a regular basis...but she did do it once! LOL KRAZY!! Oh and the stories did not end there but in order to keep this blog rated PG...I am going to stop while I am ahead.

With all that said, I am pumped and ready to go hard at the gym. My trainer is watching...she's always watching. And I have to say, she really encouraged me last night and I am all ready to kick the chunky monkey in the a$$. And our first episode of Chunky Monkey TV is coming out next week...oh dear Lord...

Anyways, I have to get some work done or the boss is going to get on me about slacking off at work again....wait a minute...I am the boss! .

Chunky :)

The Underwear Gauge

Off to the gym this morning! I figure I have to get that out of the way as tonight is a big night for my niece and I wouldn't miss it for the world. The theme of the day today is to work out...really really hard. I have some catching up to do as the last week was a complete write off. I am done to 154 lbs and that is brilliantly awesome...however, if I would have stayed on track, I would probably be down to 151 lbs. So close to breaking the 150 lb barrier. So at the gym today, I am going to work hard. I have a philosophy that if I can keep the same pair of underwear on after my workout...I have not worked out hard enough! And if I can keep the same pair of underwear on...well...that is just plain disgusting. Anyways, it's a good gauge...if your body is soaked with sweat...then you did a good job. If not, you are completely copping out.

Jo and her chillin's were over last night for dinner and Jo so emphatically expressed to me that I was obnoxious again and how happy that made her. Awww...what a great bfff! And I can't even retaliate because she knows my visa number, login passwords for virtually everything and my pin. So revenge is not even an option. But I did enjoy hanging out with her. And it was way better than having "company" that comes only for the food and take no time to socialize because they are too busy. Not too busy to eat my food but too busy to have a coffee after?!! You know who I mean...the kind that are like grasshoppers. They come, they eat, they leave. I didn't actually invite you over to eat...I invited you over to visit!!

Everything we do is so focused around food. When the people of the earth gather....they eat. Some drink. Some dance. Some drink and dance but they all share one thing in common.....they eat. And I am guilty of this too. I can't count the number of times that I have approached the dinner table like a ravenous gluttonous starving hyena. I said 'like' a starving hyena...not that I am one. Clearly....I am not. Take a look at the meat on my bones. If I was the Thanksgiving turkey, I would be the one that needs the supersized roasting pan. So just imagine how awkward it is for me to run with all the junk in my trunk. I kind of look like a supersized turkey with shorts that ride up her arse and of course with the added benefit of thighs of thunder.

But I intend to change that. I am going to go run today and do back and triceps. Saturday is rest day and CHEAT day........AND Sunday....I am going to run 10km. Jesus help me.

Okay....have a great weekend my cyber buddies!!! I will post again on Sunday night....unless something amazing happens. Or something ridiculous. Who am I kidding...something ridiculous always happens. So, expect to hear from me. Toodles.

ps- I am listening to Rock and Roll Girl right now.....Rock on peops of the earth!! And I forgot that I was only in my underwear and only remembered that when I was standing on my front step getting the mail out of the mail box this morning. Somebody kill me please!! AHHHHHH!!!! Okay...putting the People Magazine down and going to the gym!!!!!

Andy

pps- dedicated to my fabulous five!! Click here!

Day 108: Chunky Monkey TV

So...here is a little taste of Chunky Monkey TV....ahhhh!!

Chunky TV

I am feeling very chunky right now!!! And I haven't been to the gym yet!!! Nooooo!!! Long day....very long day. And so tomorrow will be another very busy day....but I will eat according to plan. I will not cheat. Even though there will be chocolate chip oatmeal cookies and a plethora of other amazing treats. (God...help me!!)

Andy :)

Day 101

Woe is me...for I am undone! My body afflicted. My thighs...quivering. My lungs....burning. Running is hard work and oh my gosh...I feel like I'm going to die. It is not easy and my chunky body does not feel ready for it. I can feel every ounce of fat jiggling as I run. And of course, I wore the wrong shorts today....as they creeped and crawled the entire time my fat jiggled on the treadmill. So, while the people on the elliptical trainers behind me watched me fight with my crawling shorts, I struggled with good form and technique as picking wedgies does not support good jogging technique.

Gawd...big busted women should not be running either. Yes, I have a great few sports bras...it's just that...well...it's hard to lug those babies around while prancing on a treadmill. Okay...it's far from prancing...it's like I am back in junior high...and I'm the fat girl stomping and grunting around the track. Gawd...somebody kill me please. And to make it worse...today...I got a cramp. I have never had a cramp before. I had to walk in the middle of my run because of my cramp. And because of walking...I lost momentum (mentally). So I left the gym feeling like I didn't get the best work out. Big busted chunky monkey did not get a good work out in today. Alas!! I have failed. But the good thing is....is that I get to do it all over again tomorrow. Can you hear the enthusiasm in my voice???

And what the heck was the gingerbread man thinking..."run run as fast as you can...you can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man....." Of course, I can't catch you. I've been eating you all day and now I am too FAT to run. First you tempt me to eat you....and then you taunt me when I can't catch you. I hate you little gingerbread man. You don't have to run with boobs and chunky thighs. Like who the hell wrote all these childhood nursery rhymes anyways?? How about old mother hubbard!? Like what the heck is her problem. No food!!! NO wonder I like to eat...I'm afraid of a bare cupboard and getting whipped soundly and sent to bed. And I want my dog to have a bone!! I associate no food with being whipped and my dog starving to death. Next thing you know, I will be singing Ring-around-the-Rosie and falling to my horrible lonely death. And this is what we are teaching our children??!! All this time I thought it was Barbie's fault. Now I think it is Mother Goose's fault.

I have no excuse for this rant. It's just that my workout was not so hot today....and I feel frustrated. Again...some stored up anger from the fact that somebody was in locker 81 again today.

And I have to weigh myself tomorrow. Uggh! ....must press on..........

Night!

Andy :)