Day 63:

My three month comittment is coming to an end. Three weeks away to the end of my first quarter. And with my trainer, I have now set my second goal. I am happily terrified about it and yet I am afraid to tell you (because that means I will have to do it). Okay...here it is....I will be training for a marathon in June. YIKES!! A chunky monkey cannot run a marathon. How the heck is that going to work? My trainer also told me I would have to be really really committed to eating clean. I didn't think it got much worse than this!! How do I eat more clean than I already am?? If I ever see another an of flavored tuna...IT WILL BE TOO SOON.

And to make matters worse...today I'm sporting a knee injury. Last Wednesday, I turned a little while doing squats and strained it. I treated it kindly on the weekend and the inflammation and swelling was completely gone by Sunday. So, it was just a tiny bit sore...so I figured it was safe and I ran on it. Apparently, that was a bad idea as today I am off to see the physiotherapist and it is really sore again. Live and learn I guess.

So, I have not gone to the gym today as of yet. I want to hear what the PT has to say. He already chastised me for running on my injured knee before he could assess it. Gosh....I am sure it is not very serious as I walk on it just fine. Perhaps, it is just a sign of age. Gawd! Did I say that out loud?? He also told me hat I should elevate it, wrap it and ice it on the weekend. I am ashamed to admit...I didn't do any of that. I just didn't run on it. I can't be at the Canada Cup and hobble around with a tensor bandage and a bag of ice. No fun!! Besides, it would be much easier to do that if I actually looked like an athlete. Until I achieve athlete status...there will be no "nursing wounds".

Anyways, I am off to see the PT. Gosh...I hope this is not one more hurdle for the chunky monkey to leap over....my legs are getting tired. And yes, I know walls are there to be climbed...but I am tired of climbing walls. I want to live on "easy street" for a while.

And besides, I have questioned my entire career today. I see big changes in my future. Stay tuned.

Sincerely,
Chunky Monkey

Day 62: Mobius Strip

Ever wish you could just have a do-over? Not a new "do"...not a different life...just a do-over. I think my life has been slightly misdirected at times. And since my hero of a husband just dug through a trash bag full of garbage to find my "writer's notes" (that someone accidentally threw out) that I had scribbled onto a piece of cardboard while unpacking Joanne's kitchen last night...I realize that I have embarked on an adventure on the mobius strip of life. (I can't believe he dug through a garbage bag for me. That's got to be a sign of true-love....right?)

Now, I am sure each one of us has had our fair share of carpet time. You know...that time in your life when you have a proverbial temper tantrum in the middle of your living room face down in the carpet. You know, the kind where your cry your eyes out and when you lift your face up there is a pool of snot and your eyes are swollen shut from the excess of tears and probably all the allergens in the carpet. It's the tantrum of all tantrums...the result of your resilient heart cracking under all the pressure. It's the moment when our "inner child" comes out. It is the worst of times but it is the best of times. Why? Because the airplane of life that we are on makes an emergency crash landing on the mobius strip of life. The scales fall from our eyes and we see things from an entirely different perspective. For me, it was learning how much I actually weighed. Well, that and the fact that I was going through a mid-life crisis at the fine age of 29. Don't worry...I am 32 now and I firmly believe that I am on my way up out of the pit. Somebody throw me a life line!!! Can you believe it has taken me 3 years to have a mid-life crisis, beat a drug problem, embrace my life and come to terms with the fact that I have to act healthy if I want to be healthy. Yeah...I know....it's pretty deep stuff....rocket science for that matter.

If you don't know what a mobius strip is...here is google's definition...."a continuous closed surface with only one si

de; formed from a rectangular strip by rotating one end 180 degrees and joining it with the other end."

In simplier terms.... If a person would walk along a mobius strip, they would walk the upside and the downside of the strip without ever crossing an edge and see all sides (perspectives) of what they were looking at. Check the picture out. A change of perspective is healthy...sometimes painful...but healthy.

The gym, eating and using self-control has forced me to discover different methods of coping with my feelings. Although, I occasionally choose to cope in "not so healthy" ways, I am definitely winning this battle. I have a few tricks up my sleeve which seem to help. Instead of seeking comfort food to make my sadness subside, my anxiety to rest or my weary body to persevere, I have discovered singing as a great way to...you know...cope. Who knew the battle with the fat monster would be so life altering and so very musical?? (not to mention annoying for the people around me). Some people snort cocaine...I sing. Not the same kind of high...but singing will have to do for now.

So, since I have resorted to singing...ok...I only just discovered this last night...but who are you to judge me?? And so what if I am singing in the shower or anywhere else for that matter...it's just like singing in the rain...with the exception of it being warmer...more private....and..well...I'm naked. But, it's pretty much the same thing!! Again...it's a mobius strip sort of thing.

So, since Jo is in the midst of moving, we unpacked her entire kitchen yesterday. And unfortunately for her, I commentate my every move. Yup...every single thing I do. I was unaware of my irritating little habit until Joanne so graciously pointed it out to me. Wow! I AM my mother's daughter....god help me! And I'm wondering...how many calories does one burn while singing and unpacking?

So, being that we were both entirely exhausted....well....we sang as we unpacked. The prelude to my 'dusting' of a candle started out in a high octave...opera style...."the candle is dusty'....I stated it...I announced it.....and in a forlorn devastating voice...Joanne would sing it again and it would have a totally different meaning. It was like she was sad and heartbroken that the candle was dusty. And breaking into theatrical style unpacking, she grabbed a stool and sang..."this is a stool"....and I asked her "a stool for which to sit upon?". At that point we realized that we were completely overtired and laughing at things that probably weren't that funny. Forgetting that she has neighbors on both sides of her condo...well...her neighbours got their own taste of Joandrea Theatre Inc. last night. Again...the mobius strip...the up-side of unpacking while being exhausted.

And after I found a spare screw laying on the kitchen counter, I decided that I would put it away in her screw kit. When she discovered what I was doing...she exclaimed, "I don't like random screws". LOL! Glad to know that Jo! I am sure you can imagine how quickly our conversation fell into the gutter after that. Another mobius strip moment.

Anyways, with all that said...and to make a long story even longer..........I have come to some conclusions about my struggle to be fit and my struggle to find happiness. There are some milestones besides weight loss that I would like to reach while on my journey to be fit. I want to leave a legacy. What will people remember about me when my heart no longer beats? I must create a plan so that I can leave a legacy...a legacy that matters.

1. I will strive to make a significant difference in someone's life. I will give to them. Love them. Support them. Care for them. Pray for them. Be there for them. This experience has already begun to take place and it is transforming my heart. I believe it is so important to supply "more than enough" to someone who crosses my path in this life. Someone who just needs someone else to believe in them. "There is always an outward demonstration of an inward knowing". I am trying to look at people from a different perspective....I know...I know...I'm repeating myself but this again is a mobius strip.

2. I will strive to respond to people rather than react to them. I will base this response on what I believe about them and not base it on their performance. (mobius strip...again).

3. I will have a determined, stubborn, tenacious stand when it comes to standing up for what is pure, holy, honest, just and of good report. In other words, I will be loyal and defend those who I call friend. Even unto death.

4. I will embrace confidence that is born of humility and not born of arrogance. "Humility is to make a right estimate of one's self." ~Charles Haddon Spurgeon (Mobius strip)

5. And finally, yet my outer person is in the beginning stages of decline, I will renew my inner person daily. I will be the change that I want to see in the world. I will not lose heart. I will not grow weary in well-doing. (Mobius Strip)

And so...the gym is not so bad....eating clean...not so bad....life itself.....not so bad. I am open to my plane landing on the mobius strip of life at any moment. A different perspective...didn't my trainer tell me that gym time....is my time. (mobius strip).

Night!!

Day 58: Chunky Monkey Goes To The Canada Cup

Hi! This chunky monkey is off to the Canada Cup for a couple of days. I will update you all when I get back. Intercede for me! I don't want to get fat in the Hat.

Cheers,

Chunky

Day 57

The horror of locker rooms has definitely become a reality. Much like my closet and the challenge of dressing daily, the locker room has become my personal black hole of emotion. Somedays I don't care...most days I do care. Okay...let's be honest...I care!! I absolutely detest changing in the locker room. For one, we are all so close together...I need six inches of personal space and sometimes I just don't get that. I don't like being naked next to another woman...I just don't. And no matter what you say to me or how many times I do it, I will never be comfortable in my birthday suit with observer's nearby.

And don't forget about those cursed mirrors that are everywhere in the change room. So even if someone's back is to me, they can spy on me using the mirror. I see their eyes come my way. And when they notice that I am noticing them...they look away quickly as if I didn't see them 'peeping'. And yet no one says anything...we just walk away and act like she didn't see me in my birthday suit. I mean I don't understand it?! I don't watch women change. Isn't there an unwritten rule that says you look away or at the floor...any where where they are not. And you most certainly don't sneak a peek. And tell me this...why the heck are there so many mirrors in the locker room anyways?? It's not like we are lifting weights in there and looking at how good our muscles look in the mirror. Oh come on now, don't kid yourselves. That's what goes in the gym. Those mirrors are not just there to ensure we have the proper form...they are there for the sake of vanity. We all do it.....oh yeah...look at those biceps....BOOM baby!!

Yesterday, as I entered into the locker room I prepared myself for the worst. I never know who will be in there, who will be changing or who will be talking to me while I am changing. That part creeps me out. I don't like changing with an audience. I do it. But I don't like it. In fact, depending on who is in the locker room at the time I need to change into my gym clothes, the entire process can become quite complicated. If it is someone I know really well...hmmm...that seems to make it more difficult for me. Why? Because I don't want anyone to see me naked when I have to see them on a regular basis. I don't like the idea of them knowing what I look like under my clothes. There is just something wrong with that.

So yesterday, as I entered the locker room I was followed by a woman. This woman is a colleague and client of mine. Because of our 'professional' relationship I was in no way going to change in front of her. I hate putting my sports bra on because it is awkward and snug. It has to be snug in order to do the 'job', however because it is snug it is a really interesting process. It's not pretty to watch me put it on. Trust me. There is no clasp so I have to slide it over my head and down my front. If you use your imagination for one moment, I am sure you can imagine what happens and what that could look like. It's nasty. In fact, it's so nasty that I don't even put it back on after I am done tanning. That's right! I leave the gym bra-less. Bra-less in Bodyfit. But nobody knows!! I have a winter coat on...so you can't even tell what I am or am not wearing.

So, yesterday in the locker room....I slowly unpacked my gym clothes. As I unpacked my gym clothes one piece at a time, my client started to talk to me. I unfolded each piece of clothing...first my shirt, then my pants...then my bra. I laid them out in a way that I could slip into them quickly in as little time as possible, revealing as little flesh as possible. She was still talking to me. She was actually standing at the bathroom stall facing me and talking...talking...talking. I was working hard at stalling without her realizing I was stalling. After all, I don't want her to know I am self-conscious. (As if she didn't know what was going on. I was being all stealth but I am sure it was obvious to her. That's probably why she was taking her time...because she knew I was suffering and she made a little game out of it. That's right, she was 'yanking my chain' and loving it!) Hell will freeze over before I change in front of her skinny little butt. I slowly slipped off each sock and replaced it with my gym sock. Socks are safe. No nakedness there. She was still talking though. AHH...go into the stall and pee already...because the moment you close the door and I hear the latch click...I am going to do my best to rip off every piece of clothing and replace it with my gym clothes before YOU are done peeing. Oh yes...it is a clothing frenzy. Clothes fly everywhere. Oh gawd! I hear the toilet paper roll. Is she done already? Hurry!! I hear the zip of her pants....NOOO!! In a very short moment, she will be unlatching the door and will witness me half dressed with clothes everywhere. And there it is...the sound of the latch. I quickly turn my back towards and continue my wrestling match with my bra. It's too late. The client sees my nakedeness. I kind of know how Adam and Eve felt...where the heck is a fig life to hide behind when I need one?

Don't get me wrong. I can do it. I can actually change and not care. However, the audience makes a huge difference in how I am feeling. Especially if the audience is young, hot and gorgeous. I'd much rather change in front of another chunky.

A short time ago, I remember getting a spray tan. I agreed to getting the spray tan done however, I insisted the owner of the spa do my spray tan. The receptionist asked me why. I told her that I wanted someone who had aged a little and who bore children. I didn't want an anorexic young beautiful super model coming any where near my naked body. Yup...when you get a spray tan, you stand there naked while the person airbrushes your entire body. And here's the kicker....if you are well endowed, they will actually lift up each one of your 'girls' to spray underneath so that there are no creases or white marks. That requires them to actually touch your boob with their hand, lift and then spray. OMG!!! I closed my eyes for the entire process as I believed if I didn't see her spraying my body, then it would be easier to convince myself that I wasn't standing naked in front of someone who is airbrushing my body. I asked her to airbrush a six pack on to my abs....but she felt that it wouldn't look authentic. What does she know?! ;)

Unfortunately, the spa owner (who is an amazing woman by the way), recognized my horrible self-esteem and made me open my eyes for 10 seconds and look into a mirror. Imagine that!!! Imagine looking into a full body mirror at your naked body while wearing just your knickers and speaking out a positive affirmation about yourself with someone else in the room with you. I can tell you that it was not my finest hour. (The only thing going through my head was....somebody please...pretty pretty please....kill meee.....I want to die.....put a bullet in my head...)

So, I guess that puts things into perspective. No one actually touches me at the gym. I can do it. I can change without shame. Oh good God...who am I trying to fool. Tomorrow I will change at home and skip the whole naked in front of audience part. That's gotta make the whole gym experience better right?

Day 56: Me Time

Today I had to overcome my coma-like inertia and get my body into gear at the gym. I have had to consciously work at getting my mind in the right place when it comes to getting there. I can think of it as a great sacrifice in which I buffet my body into submission or I can think of it as my 'alone' time. My time to be with myself. Me time. What the heck does that even mean?? Me time...lol...that is completely foreign to me. The only time I get 'me time' is when I am away for work. And then when I do have a day to relax, it is only then that I realize how tired I am and I spend quite a bit of that time....sleeping or just sitting and staring. I know it's really bad when someone comes up to me and wipes the drool off my lip as I stare off into space in a trance-like state. It has happened a time or two...yikes!

And just to let you in on a little secret...when I go away...I always schedule a couple extra days so that I can do nothing. Doing nothing is absolutely glorious. I am relishing in the thought of doing nothing right now. It is almost as good as escaping to the beach with Raul, my margarita and my People Magazine. So, now to get my head in the right place, I tell myself that I am going to the gym so that my brain can slip into neutral and just not think. And if I work hard, I reward myself with the electric beach. It's not as relaxing as the sandy beach but it does the trick. Well...at least for now.

And since my whole workout is strictly designed to slay the fat monster foreva, there is an entire array of factors that contribute to being a successful fat monster head hunter . Relaxation, sleep and eating habits are highly valuable and are important parts of my defensive position in my battle of the bulge. Some days it feels like every aspect of my life has been strictly regimented and there is very little room for creative spontaneity. This prevents binge eating, gym skipping and the ever so popular excuse formulating. It unarms the chunky monkey and gives me the competitive advantage. It has clearly mapped out how at night I will storm the camp of the fat monster, drive my ceremonial chunky monkey dagger into it's chest and declare war on it and it's followers. However, the fat monster has been retaliating lately and even the kitty Temptations on the tv commercials at the gym seem make my tummy grumble.

The good news in all of this is that I have finally broken the barrier. I reached milestone #1 and have broken through to the 150's. It feels good. I also have noticed that my thighs no longer touch each other. Yes that's right. I could pass a thin piece of cardboard between my thighs and not touch any skin. This is truly worth celebrating. If you have never had thighs of thunder then you will not understand how glorious and wonderful it is to have thighs that don't touch. It's like an early Christmas present!! Perhaps a donut is in order to celebrate this great milestone. No...not a deep fried donut...but a donut in the parking lot of the mall with my car would suffice. And since the brevity of human life is evident, I think it's good to live a little and pull a donut or two even if I am a "mature" adult. I actually did it the other day...and it felt good...no...it felt great....and I laughed to myself as I spun my car out of control. Of course, my near death encounter with the light post has made it very easy for my voice of reason to speak up now when I feel the urge to stunt. Where the heck is the voice of reason when I am tempted to each chocolate??

We really do pay the price to be beautiful. We don't indulge in chocolate. In fact, on my eating plan, chocolate would be considered high treason and I would be destined to the bottomless pit of fat if I broke the rules. Come to think of it, women really do go through a lot to be hawt. We pluck our eye brows, we dye our hair, we wax our legs (not to mention other body parts...), we work out at the gym, we get our nails done, we get manicures, pedicures, facials....all this to....no...all for the sake of........why do we do this to ourselves again?? Oh yeah...self-esteem...one more foreign thing to me. I am hoping to change that foreigner into a permanent resident. Well, Rome wasn't built in a day. One day at a time...right? Back to the gym tomorrow for my 'me time'. I am so excited. (sarcasm intended)

Cheers!!

Day 55

There are three things that are never satisfied...1. The grave, 2. The barren womb, 3. Fire....wait a second there are four.....4. My stomach. I am hungry. I blame the excess of calories from cheat day for my bottomless pit of a stomach today. Perhaps it was the aroma of popcorn and butter in the theatre today. Or maybe it was the home made chili, buns and the amazing assortment of desserts at the Roughrider party. It even could have been all the 'eating' that was going on around me. Regardless of what it was...my body is now paying for my one day of indulgence with the disagreeable after effects of junk food. And even though I have a strong affection for cheat day, I have really come to appreciate the benefits of eating clean.

Confession: I did not go to the gym today, however I will make up for it tomorrow by doing double duty. Simply put, I will be doing 40 minutes of cardio and a vigorous weight routine. All for the sake of losing one more pound. (insert groan here) One more pound in about a week's time. (insert another groan) Why must it take so long? And why is it I can gain that pound back in only a fraction of time it takes to lose it. Who's idea was this??? I want to talk to the manager!! Bring me your manager!!!

Where is Bob the Builder and his irritating theme song.....Bob the Builder, Bob the Builder...can he do it....yes he can!!! I need a peppy song to get me pumped up about the gym tomorrow. Right now I do wonder...can I do it? And the gym...well, I am already dreading it. And I already know that having this kind of attitude will push me off the weight loss wagon faster than you can say chunky monkey. I must remember my trainer's words in these times of peril. "Gym time is my time". Oh boy...that was weak. I am in serious and immediate danger of falling right back into the chunky monkey chubby pit if I start losing my enthusiasm. "My gym time is my time". There...that was a little better. "It is my time to look after my body...my aging body". YES!! I noticed today. My face. My face looks.....older.

Oh gawd...I saw lines in my face this morning that I have not noticed before. In fact, as I stood in front of the mirror, I almost had coronary when I smiled at myself and the laugh lines didn't go away. THEY DIDN'T GO AWAY!! They stayed!!!! And they have lingered all day!! The discovery of these lines has consumed me. Even in church when I should be thinking about God, I was thinking vain thoughts....I was thinking....God...help me for I am a woman whose face is marred by the deepening lines of middle age. Deliver me from this fate. There is no hope, my fate has been sealed...I am maturing. And since I had to pee three times during the service (I am sure you are all shocked) I had to pass by a mirror three times! That's right! The mirror is almost as nasty as the scale. Mirrors and scales...they are in the same category now. They both reveal the truth. They have no compassion, empathy and don't care how I feel. They always tell me the brutal truth. Couldn't they just say something nice for once?

They say that grey hair is a sign of wisdom. If that's true...then what are wrinkles a sign of??? And why are they deepening as I lose weight?! Ahhh...can I not have my cake and eat it to??? NO...not a real cake....a metaphorical cake! I can be fat and young looking or fit and old looking....what kind of a choice is that????

I will not lose hope. Tomorrow will be a new day. I will rise early in the morning...raise my sword and decapitate the head of my fat monster once more. For now, farewell my friends.

PS-

And please...when using a public bathroom....LOCK the stall door. Nobody wants to see you peeing. You know...once you see something...you can't un-see it. Oh God...wash my eyes...for I cannot bear the horror of what I witnessed tonight. (honestly, that is what the little silver latch is for....to protect innocent by standers from seeing you with your drawers down. Ahhhh!!)