My tribe can no longer consist of the delecacies of the great tribal feast. I must be knighted as warrior and slayer of the fat monster. I will travel the most obscure paths and the untamed wildnerness of the bakery department at Safeway. I will not yield to the aromas of the specialty chocolate shops. My soul will not be satisified until I have placed the head of my fat monster as a trophy on my mantle. (I don't think I have a mantle). I desperately yearn for chocolate and I am right at home with buffet tables, decadent desserts and creative culinary experiences. But I will overcome! Right now, I sit the lobby of my hotel...Alas I have entered my own personal nightmare. One by one, the hotel guests eliminate the squares on the dessert tray. Big ones, little ones, fat ones, skinny ones..."they come, they eat, they leave". It is like watching vultures swoop down and pick at the lifeless carcus of heavenly bliss - aka-cream puffs.
As I sit here, I am haunted by visions of french fries, peanut butter and sugar plums (and yes visions of them dance in my head). I realize that these delacacies from which I have sought comfort are no delacacies at all. For they are the very demons that have carefully created the fat monster. It's alive.....ALIVE!!
But soon, with its head mounted on my spear, I will announce my victory and it's humiliating defeat. I will not drown in the deep dark abyss of temptation...well...at least not today. (I need to run...but the gym here is ummm.....how do I say it......yucky).
What's for dinner??
Chunky Monkey
Monday, November 8, 2010
Ps- Day 36
Did I mention the heat in my hotel room doesn't work? Brrr! The good part is that my body burns more calories when it is cold in an attempt to warm it up. I may give in and give it some coffee and help it out a bit!!
Day 36
Conferences and eating healthy...ahhhh...not the easiest thing in the world to do. Each day the people running the conference bring in bagels and chocolate chip muffins...juice...ahh..all the things I cannot have. But, if I am going to slay this fat monster once and for all, I choose to not indulge. And I choose not to watch them taste the muffin, chew the muffin, swallow the muffin and then smile because it is so yummy. My tuna, rice crackers and pink lady apples are so good. Yes...that is what I keep telling myself.
Workouts have been difficult too as the gym in the hotel is just not equipped with the weight equipment that I need. So, I have been running every day, with the exception of yesterday as yesterday was my rest day. I will spend today eating healthy, getting caught up on some work and of course....running, eating and peeing. That pretty much takes care of the whole day. Tomorrow I am homeward bound and I am so very excited. I am starting a new chapter in my life and cannot wait to get moving with it.
My cleaning lady that cleans my hotel room is the sweetest lady I have ever met. She is about 4.5 feet tall. She is Indian and she is just the cutest thing! Yesterday morning she gave me a hug and told me what a nice girl I was. Funny...I have only ever smiled at her and said hello in passing. But she made me feel good...and I guess I made her feel good. It is a great feeling to have influenced a perfect stranger without even trying. Of course, there are always those people who you reach out to and in turn bite your hand. I guess you win some and lose some.
I am not looking forward to my tuna...and soon I will have to eat it. I miss my spaghetti squash! (Never thought I would ever say that!). I look forward to my rice cakes too. And oh lordy...no more salmon! Well, all for the sake of having that darling figure, firm breasts and shapely thighs. All for one and one for all!!! Why am I doing this again???
Captivated, entranced, struck by a thunderbolt and a whopping set of thunder thighs.....my scale is my biggest motivator!! And so, I will run...one more day!!
Workouts have been difficult too as the gym in the hotel is just not equipped with the weight equipment that I need. So, I have been running every day, with the exception of yesterday as yesterday was my rest day. I will spend today eating healthy, getting caught up on some work and of course....running, eating and peeing. That pretty much takes care of the whole day. Tomorrow I am homeward bound and I am so very excited. I am starting a new chapter in my life and cannot wait to get moving with it.
My cleaning lady that cleans my hotel room is the sweetest lady I have ever met. She is about 4.5 feet tall. She is Indian and she is just the cutest thing! Yesterday morning she gave me a hug and told me what a nice girl I was. Funny...I have only ever smiled at her and said hello in passing. But she made me feel good...and I guess I made her feel good. It is a great feeling to have influenced a perfect stranger without even trying. Of course, there are always those people who you reach out to and in turn bite your hand. I guess you win some and lose some.
I am not looking forward to my tuna...and soon I will have to eat it. I miss my spaghetti squash! (Never thought I would ever say that!). I look forward to my rice cakes too. And oh lordy...no more salmon! Well, all for the sake of having that darling figure, firm breasts and shapely thighs. All for one and one for all!!! Why am I doing this again???
Captivated, entranced, struck by a thunderbolt and a whopping set of thunder thighs.....my scale is my biggest motivator!! And so, I will run...one more day!!
Saturday, November 6, 2010
PS-
During my flight to Vancouver, I peed so many times that the flight attendant asked me if I got on the airplane just so I could go pee. Nice!!! I am going to tell you something....no matter what my trainer says...YOU'RE BODY NEVER GET'S USED TO 4 LITRES OF WATER PER DAY......NEVA!!!
Friday, November 5, 2010
Day 33
Well well well....It is time for some celebrating. Why celebrate? I am glad you asked. I now fit into my "skinny jeans". Yeah baby!! I have lost a total of 4 lbs which seems like sneezing into a hurricane....but none the less...it is a loss and the inches...well that is a whole other story. Every bit of inconvenience has been worth it as fitting into my jeans again feels so very good. I can actually see a difference now. It's not like that cheezy ABC Laundry Detergent commercial..."Can you see the difference...I can't see the difference"...because I CAN SEE A DIFFERENCE!! That alone is worth celebrating and tomorrow's cheat day will be a great way to celebrate!
I am extra excited about this particular cheat day as I am in the beautiful city of Vancouver. This is one of the most amazing cities in Canada and I can think of no better way than spending my precious cheat day with some amazing people, in a great city, at a fabulous conference, with a good friend all while indulging in some scrumdiddlyumptious chocolate with almonds. I made a special trip to Save On Foods just to get the chocolate bar and I lucked out as the grocery clerk, Richard said the "F" word to me. That's right...he said I'm going to give you this chocolate bar for FREE. Wooooo!!!! It is going to be tomorrow's highlight. I can feel it already. And I will eat it like a mad woman in front of all the other conference attendees. In fact, I may even moan and groan as I taste each decadent bite...and if they don't like it...too bad! That's right people....tomorrow is my day to eat and indulge...and I don't give a rat's petooty what you think. What is a rat's petooty?
If anything is true about this fat slaying adventure, it is that my life is changing. The evolution is slow but it is good and I am winning the good fight!! It feels good to be healthy and that is my primary motivation to train. People often ask me what I am training for and seem almost let down when I tell them that I am training to be healthy. It is funny...some people are surprised that I would train to be healthy. Others turn into viperous snakes and try to sabotage me by pushing "bad" food on me. What is the deal with that?! Oh so you're training....here have some cake. Oh...a little won't hurt...come on. Come on girls...we gotta be on the same team here!
On Wednesday, I went for lunch with an old business acquaintance and neighbor. I say acquaintance because her status changed to friend on this day. Please understand that I am not a big "cryer". It takes a lot for that to happen and well, if it can be avoided, I will never give in to it in front of another. But this week and over the past month something has been eating at my heart and I have began to weaken and have surrendered to it . I shared lunch with this wonderful lady who shared a piece of her life with me. She shared about some hard times that she faced, how they had shaped her and how she got through to the other side. And then she shared about what has touched her and meant the most to her in her life.
With tears in her eyes, she told me that some younger ladies that she works with (from the Philippines) really look up to her. She never had children and these girls are like her own. She is a mother to them and loves them and they need her and her love. And she needs them and their love. She told me that on her birthday, these girls wrote some birthday wishes on her facebook wall and expressed to her how much she meant to them. It was then when I surprised myself as I started to cry. What the heck is the matter with me? It is a nice story but why am I being such a softy about this. It really is quite simple. And of course, I will explain it to you....
The past three years have been some of the most difficult in my life. I have learned that with every day that I get older and every bit of experience that I gain...the obstacles that I must overcome only get bigger and more challenging. It has been so often in my life that I have felt alone and didn't feel like I had a place to belong or to go home too. Now you may not understand why I have felt this way and I am not going to attempt to explain it right now. What is more important is the transformation that has been happening in my heart. Does it have anything to do with weightloss and training? ABSOLUTELY. It is all part of the "bigger" picture....and it all counts.
You see, we all have some level of pain in our life and our heart. And so much of life is learning to cope and overcome that pain. Sometimes we seek comfort in things like food, wine, pain killers, shopping, gambling...etc. These things are often a way to attempt to numb pain. And we will stop at nothing until we find relief of that pain. The more intense the pain and the less we can deal with it....the more drastic and desperate the attempts to numb it become. I chose a method to numb my pain and ultimately had to face an addiction problem that I NEVER thought I would struggle with. I have spent my life creating this perfect little image of myself. This image was created as a mask so that I could hide my true self from the world. I am not the only one who does this and it is more common than you realize. But I am learning that being real is really liberating and since I have started being real...I have experienced some pretty amazing things. So, back to my point...why my friend's story touched me so very much is coming right up...so bear with me.
In order to beat the addiction, I have had to face some things about myself that I have hidden for a very long time. I found the courage to face my demons when something extraordinary and amazing happened to me. Now it was not an epiphany or a single act of kindness that made a change. Although the entire experience will one day be summed up as a moment in time...it's effects on me are eternal and I am so thankful for having the opportunity to experience it.
A year and a half ago, I met a colleague through a contract position I took with a sports organization. My chances of finding this person in the world by fluke or chance is slim and I believe it was a divine appointment when I met her. In comparison to me, she is mature in years...old enough to be mother. This woman is not perfect and has faults just like the rest of us. I in no way have her on a pedestal but have discovered something authentic and very rare about her. Because of the circumstances of her own journey, the level of her own pain and the degree of unjust hurt that has come her way....she definitely has the opportunity to be bitter and unloving. But she is not scathed by her pain or her past. She is a survivor. And this lady, has loved me unconditionally. I don't deserve it. And I was a perfect stranger to her when she reached out to me. She has no idea that her actions have touched me the way they have and I will forever remember her for it. When I met her I was in a bad place. But she accepted me and showed me love. She never judged me or made me feel ashamed for my shortcomings. She showed me that really living is making a difference in someone else's life. She told me that she searches for opportunities to make a difference...be it small or not very big...but big enough to make a difference with even just one person a day. William Wallace said, "All men die, but not all men really live". How true that is...and how true it is that the secret to life is living your life in a way that lights up the life of another. She finds her joy in this. And she in the midst of all her pain...extended her arm to me. I admire her capacity to love.
She is one of the most amazing people I know. Why? Because she not only spoke of love but she demonstrated it. I stand in awe...not necessarily of her...but the human story of her....and who she is. Ah...I cannot explain it fully but what I do know, is that I love her because she first loved me and by demonstrating it proved to me its worth and validity. Because of this, I love all the good and even the bad....I love the whole package. I think that is what love is...it is loving and accepting someone for all their amazing qualities as well as their shortcomings. It is a human dilemma that as long as we breathe, we will crave love. We search for a place called home. Home is not necessarily a place we live, but about the people with whom we are most fully alive. It is about love, relationship, community and belonging. She is so much a part of my home. She has left a mark on my heart. She is family to me and she is home to me.
After hearing the story of the friend I was having lunch with, I immediately reflected about how this one lady who loved me has made such a difference in my own life. I could only cry when hearing that another person was making the same kind of difference in the life of some immigrant girls from the Philippines. Why....because I know how much it means to be loved by a stranger. You know...the kind of love you read about...the kind you read with envy. The kind that you don't grow up with...the kind that you search for....the love and acceptance of family.
This journey I am on is so directly linked to the chunky monkey in me. As I have hidden in my fat suit for too long by using food and drugs to cover, I have begun to unzip it and climb out. Who am I really? It is not the fat little girl from small town Saskatchewan who never thought she was good at anything. It is not the "fluffy" kid that quit basketball after making the team because she didn't have enough confidence to show up for practice. It is also not the high school girl who did not have enough courage to even try out for the drama team. This girl is coming out of the fat suit and putting the fat monster to death. It's time to get out the super suit and start acting like a super.
And with that I say.....happy cheat day tomorrow to all of you!! Look for an opportunity to show love to someone in your circle of influence...you know..the kind of love you read about...the kind you read with envy....platonic unscathed unconditional love. You never know...it may just make a difference and change the course of someone's life and maybe even your own. We need each other...we really do. And I will never forget how this stranger's love has influenced my heart and has become home to me...no, I will never forget....an elephant....never forgets. :*( :)
Cheers!!
I am extra excited about this particular cheat day as I am in the beautiful city of Vancouver. This is one of the most amazing cities in Canada and I can think of no better way than spending my precious cheat day with some amazing people, in a great city, at a fabulous conference, with a good friend all while indulging in some scrumdiddlyumptious chocolate with almonds. I made a special trip to Save On Foods just to get the chocolate bar and I lucked out as the grocery clerk, Richard said the "F" word to me. That's right...he said I'm going to give you this chocolate bar for FREE. Wooooo!!!! It is going to be tomorrow's highlight. I can feel it already. And I will eat it like a mad woman in front of all the other conference attendees. In fact, I may even moan and groan as I taste each decadent bite...and if they don't like it...too bad! That's right people....tomorrow is my day to eat and indulge...and I don't give a rat's petooty what you think. What is a rat's petooty?
If anything is true about this fat slaying adventure, it is that my life is changing. The evolution is slow but it is good and I am winning the good fight!! It feels good to be healthy and that is my primary motivation to train. People often ask me what I am training for and seem almost let down when I tell them that I am training to be healthy. It is funny...some people are surprised that I would train to be healthy. Others turn into viperous snakes and try to sabotage me by pushing "bad" food on me. What is the deal with that?! Oh so you're training....here have some cake. Oh...a little won't hurt...come on. Come on girls...we gotta be on the same team here!
On Wednesday, I went for lunch with an old business acquaintance and neighbor. I say acquaintance because her status changed to friend on this day. Please understand that I am not a big "cryer". It takes a lot for that to happen and well, if it can be avoided, I will never give in to it in front of another. But this week and over the past month something has been eating at my heart and I have began to weaken and have surrendered to it . I shared lunch with this wonderful lady who shared a piece of her life with me. She shared about some hard times that she faced, how they had shaped her and how she got through to the other side. And then she shared about what has touched her and meant the most to her in her life.
With tears in her eyes, she told me that some younger ladies that she works with (from the Philippines) really look up to her. She never had children and these girls are like her own. She is a mother to them and loves them and they need her and her love. And she needs them and their love. She told me that on her birthday, these girls wrote some birthday wishes on her facebook wall and expressed to her how much she meant to them. It was then when I surprised myself as I started to cry. What the heck is the matter with me? It is a nice story but why am I being such a softy about this. It really is quite simple. And of course, I will explain it to you....
The past three years have been some of the most difficult in my life. I have learned that with every day that I get older and every bit of experience that I gain...the obstacles that I must overcome only get bigger and more challenging. It has been so often in my life that I have felt alone and didn't feel like I had a place to belong or to go home too. Now you may not understand why I have felt this way and I am not going to attempt to explain it right now. What is more important is the transformation that has been happening in my heart. Does it have anything to do with weightloss and training? ABSOLUTELY. It is all part of the "bigger" picture....and it all counts.
You see, we all have some level of pain in our life and our heart. And so much of life is learning to cope and overcome that pain. Sometimes we seek comfort in things like food, wine, pain killers, shopping, gambling...etc. These things are often a way to attempt to numb pain. And we will stop at nothing until we find relief of that pain. The more intense the pain and the less we can deal with it....the more drastic and desperate the attempts to numb it become. I chose a method to numb my pain and ultimately had to face an addiction problem that I NEVER thought I would struggle with. I have spent my life creating this perfect little image of myself. This image was created as a mask so that I could hide my true self from the world. I am not the only one who does this and it is more common than you realize. But I am learning that being real is really liberating and since I have started being real...I have experienced some pretty amazing things. So, back to my point...why my friend's story touched me so very much is coming right up...so bear with me.
In order to beat the addiction, I have had to face some things about myself that I have hidden for a very long time. I found the courage to face my demons when something extraordinary and amazing happened to me. Now it was not an epiphany or a single act of kindness that made a change. Although the entire experience will one day be summed up as a moment in time...it's effects on me are eternal and I am so thankful for having the opportunity to experience it.
A year and a half ago, I met a colleague through a contract position I took with a sports organization. My chances of finding this person in the world by fluke or chance is slim and I believe it was a divine appointment when I met her. In comparison to me, she is mature in years...old enough to be mother. This woman is not perfect and has faults just like the rest of us. I in no way have her on a pedestal but have discovered something authentic and very rare about her. Because of the circumstances of her own journey, the level of her own pain and the degree of unjust hurt that has come her way....she definitely has the opportunity to be bitter and unloving. But she is not scathed by her pain or her past. She is a survivor. And this lady, has loved me unconditionally. I don't deserve it. And I was a perfect stranger to her when she reached out to me. She has no idea that her actions have touched me the way they have and I will forever remember her for it. When I met her I was in a bad place. But she accepted me and showed me love. She never judged me or made me feel ashamed for my shortcomings. She showed me that really living is making a difference in someone else's life. She told me that she searches for opportunities to make a difference...be it small or not very big...but big enough to make a difference with even just one person a day. William Wallace said, "All men die, but not all men really live". How true that is...and how true it is that the secret to life is living your life in a way that lights up the life of another. She finds her joy in this. And she in the midst of all her pain...extended her arm to me. I admire her capacity to love.
She is one of the most amazing people I know. Why? Because she not only spoke of love but she demonstrated it. I stand in awe...not necessarily of her...but the human story of her....and who she is. Ah...I cannot explain it fully but what I do know, is that I love her because she first loved me and by demonstrating it proved to me its worth and validity. Because of this, I love all the good and even the bad....I love the whole package. I think that is what love is...it is loving and accepting someone for all their amazing qualities as well as their shortcomings. It is a human dilemma that as long as we breathe, we will crave love. We search for a place called home. Home is not necessarily a place we live, but about the people with whom we are most fully alive. It is about love, relationship, community and belonging. She is so much a part of my home. She has left a mark on my heart. She is family to me and she is home to me.
After hearing the story of the friend I was having lunch with, I immediately reflected about how this one lady who loved me has made such a difference in my own life. I could only cry when hearing that another person was making the same kind of difference in the life of some immigrant girls from the Philippines. Why....because I know how much it means to be loved by a stranger. You know...the kind of love you read about...the kind you read with envy. The kind that you don't grow up with...the kind that you search for....the love and acceptance of family.
This journey I am on is so directly linked to the chunky monkey in me. As I have hidden in my fat suit for too long by using food and drugs to cover, I have begun to unzip it and climb out. Who am I really? It is not the fat little girl from small town Saskatchewan who never thought she was good at anything. It is not the "fluffy" kid that quit basketball after making the team because she didn't have enough confidence to show up for practice. It is also not the high school girl who did not have enough courage to even try out for the drama team. This girl is coming out of the fat suit and putting the fat monster to death. It's time to get out the super suit and start acting like a super.
And with that I say.....happy cheat day tomorrow to all of you!! Look for an opportunity to show love to someone in your circle of influence...you know..the kind of love you read about...the kind you read with envy....platonic unscathed unconditional love. You never know...it may just make a difference and change the course of someone's life and maybe even your own. We need each other...we really do. And I will never forget how this stranger's love has influenced my heart and has become home to me...no, I will never forget....an elephant....never forgets. :*( :)
Cheers!!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Day 32
There is no day 31. I was too tired. But the good news is that I am down to 161 lbs. Woooooot!! I had a crazy airplane ride today too....I will catch you all up tomorrow. Stay tuned!!!
Andy
Andy
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
PS-
Now, I'm hungry for some Frosted Lucky Charms...they're magically delicious! Can you believe that they used to tell you that they were part of a nutritious breakfast. HA!!! I feel a lawsuit coming on!! (And ironically, just looking at them can cause you to gain about 7.3 lbs in one night!) I don't actually know that....I'm simply making an observation. They sure look good......and they are right by the peanut butter....mmmmm....I want peanut butter.....mmmmmm....(mouth is salivating) (butt already jiggling from imagining the amazing flavor and great buttery taste in my mouth....yikes...time for some Raul).
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